hope. just hope.

A Melancholy Alleluia.

2012-01-31T21:40:00.000-05:00

Ever since I first read A Ring of Endless Light, which was a very long time ago, singing "alleluia" has had a special meaning for me.
If you have read the book, you will understand.
And, let me tell you, I have had many opportunities.
This school year, for example, we're singing Paul Basler's "Alleluia." We have it all year and I love it.

Last week we started a new piece for this semester.
It's in Russian, which I love. Seriously, one of my favorite languages to sing in.
It's called "Duh Tvoy Blagiy." (There are some diacritic marks that I'm missing there, and I apologize for that.)
I adore this song.

The thing is, the ending of the song, "alleluia," doesn't really leave you with a sense of overwhelming joy.
Or maybe that's just me.
But I don't think so.

As we sang it in rehearsal yesterday, in light of Sunday's post on grief, along with a lot of other thinking I've been doing, I heard it in a different way.
I sang it in a different way.

You see, we are made to praise God.
The way I see it, that's one of our primary duties as created beings.
And we are to "be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for [us] who belong to Christ Jesus."
(1 Thes. 5:18)

Sometimes, I just don't feel like being thankful. I don't feel like thanking God for everything that happens to me.
But that's not what the verse says. Paul didn't say "be thankful for the death of your grandfather," or "be thankful when you don't get asked out by that guy you've liked for-like-EVER!."
He said "be thankful in all circumstances. Yes, even in the Greek. Although I didn't look into tenses or anything like that.
I understand this as a general attitude of gratitude (yes, I just did that) toward God. For who He is and what He has done and is doing and will do.

I think that it's possible to be thankful for the things that happen that we don't like, and maybe I'm wrong and we're supposed to thank God for every struggle and every frustration and every bad thing that comes our way.
However, I don't think I should be thankful for temptation. I can be thankful for the strength to resist temptation, but should I really thank God for things the Enemy throws my way? I don't think so.
(This is one of those, "I'm open to hear another side of this" things.")

God can take our anger and sadness and bitterness.
By that I mean "God can handle us yelling at Him;" and I mean "God can take it from us if we let Him."
Been there, done that.
Let it go, friends.

And, in the midst of the sorrow and pain, praise Him with a melancholy "alleluia."

"I'm not over it." Or, "how Owl City breaks my heart."

2012-01-29T17:18:00.001-05:00

On June 14, 2011, Owl City released his third studio album, "All Things Bright and Beautiful."
I fell in love with it immediately and listened to it on a daily basis.

12 hours after I purchased this album, my dad got a phone call from my aunt saying that their dad was being taken to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing.

I was at the church working on a project for the youth basement, listening to Owl City.

On June 20, 2011, my life changed forever.
My dad's dad, my Grandpa Swanson, died.

It was widely considered a blessing. He had been living for fifteen years with the effects of multiple strokes, along with various other health concerns.
His mobility was limited, his speech was slurred.
His wit, wisdom, humor, and driving skills, however, were unchanged.
Nor was his love for Jesus, and that was without question.

My parents had left that morning to take my grandma back to Illinois.
She had been staying with us that weekend.

I got a text from my mom while I was working, telling me to pray because things weren't going well.

A few hours later I got a call from Dad: "It will be today for Grandpa."
Mom called Andrew with the same message.
He was at rehearsal with the band.

I did what I often do when I am faced with a stressful situation.
I started baking.

"Don't let it hurt."

Andrew came home.

Dad called.

That was that.
There were no words. There were hardly more tears in that moment.

The cookies burned.

Andrew went back to rehearsal; I went to the mall.
I wandered around numbly. I went to Starbucks and was sorely tempted to tell the barista (who I know) what was going on. I didn't. We're not that close. I ended up at Target to buy a black dress.
"Blessings" by Laura Story played as I drove home.
Of course.

Andrew and I went out to dinner and then went back home.

He asked whether I had gotten the new Owl City album.
We plugged in Dad's speakers and blasted it as loud as we could take it.
I folded clothes.
We waited for Mom and Dad to get home.
I painted my nails.

We all sat around for a while, talking about the next few days.
We would leave the following evening, have dinner at Andrew and Allie's apartment.
I would stay the night there, less than two weeks after staying with them before the last time we would all be together as a family.
The viewing would be on Wednesday, funeral Thursday, Andrew would fly to Texas, drive to Wisconsin on Friday, traditional Wisconsin fireworks, graveside service on Saturday at the cemetery where relatives from several generations are buried, drive back to IL Saturday night, drive home on Sunday.

Owl City was the soundtrack for all of this.
I had four albums of his music on my iPod at the time, and it was what I listened to.
For that week and for the rest of the summer.

And now, ATBAB brings back the feelings of the summer.
It is a numbness mixed with sorrow and anger and hopeless crushes and Harry Potter movie marathons and frustration and warmth and bitterness.

I listened to this album last night while I was in Shiloh Prayer Chapel.
I finally really listened to "How I Became the Sea."
I had heard this song dozens of times, but didn't really try to understand or interpret it to apply to my life.
But, with nothing else going on around me, I finally made the effort.

"The great breakers broke again as I nodded off inside."

I don't know what Adam Young was thinking when he wrote this song.
I don't know whether he meant something deep or significant by it.
But, because I can interpret just about anything in the way I want to understand it, I take great meaning from this line.

After June 20, 2011, I deadened myself to emotion.
I decided that I did not want to feel joy or sorrow or anything in between.
I felt entitled to my perpetually bad attitude.
And I let it continue through last semester, until I finally broke down and admitted that I was mad at God.
I gave Him the list of grievances that I had been holding on to for six months.

"When the sky fell in, when the hurricanes came for me, I could finally crash again, and that's how I became the sea."

I couldn't hold onto it any more.
It was not my pain to hold. It was His to take and turn into something beautiful.
And He is.

But it still hurts. Listening to ATBAB last night was difficult. I usually avoid listening to the whole album at once. I have "Honey and the Bee," "The Yacht Club," and "Deer in the Headlights" in various playlists.
But why would I want to hear the "slipped the surly bonds of earth" speech? I was avoiding thinking of my grandfather's death, thanks. I'd rather not hear about more death.

I've thought I was over it.
I have thought that it would eventually stop hurting, but I don't know that it will.

Every time I see the photos from my brother's wedding with my smiling grandparents and remember that I won't have those photos.
Every time I see their card from their last Christmas together.
Every time I play the song I wrote a few years ago and played at the funeral.

Every time I listen to ATBAB.

It hurts. It will hurt.

But he doesn't hurt. He doesn't need assistance to walk or for people to listen patiently and quietly while he forms words.
He is dancing at the throne of God.
("But he was a Baptist! He wouldn't dance." Yes, my dad and I both had that response when my mom said that Grandpa was dancing. This is how we think.)
He is with his granddaughter, his parents, his brothers, and his Savior.

"And that's how I became the sea."

What I Have Learned From Don Miller (Part One)

2012-01-28T14:53:00.000-05:00

I promised to write this post a few days ago, but I never got around to it.
Battle of the Bands auditions, reading, and other events of life got in the way.

I'm sitting at the desk abandoned by Melisa. She's off living a great story at Oxford this semester. I am incredibly jealous and I miss her, but I am here now for this time. I have responsibilities and opportunities this semester, and I cannot change that now.

I've been using this desk for the past week because I have never learned how to keep my own clear.
It's something that I was determined to change, but I'm not great at following through when I make promises to myself.

I'm drinking the first brewed coffee of a new can, watching "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring," waiting for dough to rise so I can finish making cinnamon rolls, and trying to psych myself up to read about fifty pages of my US History books. I have Music Theory homework to do, two devotional books on Ephesians to start, Shakespeare to read and summarize, a song to finish writing, a cave to clean, laundry to do, dishes to wash, notes to type up and email, and probably a dozen other things to check of my nonexistent to-do list.

All that is beside the point (well, not completely, but that's yet to be seen).

Sunday night, my parents and I went to Wheaton to hear Don Miller speak. the topic was something about "life calling" blah, blah, blah. Really, it was about story. Don has learned, through the process of turning his bestselling book Blue Like Jazz into a movie (to be released April 13), how to live good stories. He has learned that the elements that make a good story, in a book or movie, are often the same elements that make a good life. I learned this from him when I read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.
But not much has changed. I often think about the need to live good stories and to cut out the junk that keeps me from doing that, but living good stories isn't easy and I like things to be easy.

If you seek comfort, you will not be satisfied when the credits roll.

That's a paraphrase of one part of Don's talk on Sunday. And it smacked me in the face.
I really hate it when that happens, and it happened several times over the course of the hour and a half that we sat there and listened.

"A story is a character that wants something and overcomes conflict to get it."

Now, I'm not entirely sure what I want. I want a lot of things.
I want to know what I'm supposed to do with my life.
I want a husband.
I want to live in a way that I am worthy to be called a child of God and the Bride of Christ.
(I wrote about cute couples almost two years ago.)
I want to bring change to someone's life.
Each of these is a separate story, all intertwined in the great story in which we all play roles.

I have learned much about conflict in the past twelve months. I have experienced it firsthand as I have struggled with God to learn about His love (just over a year ago), confession (the anniversary of that comes in about three weeks), rejection (March), anxiety and fear for my own life (May, as I traveled to England), my grandpa's death (June), frustration with people (July and August as I worked four days each week in a hot warehouse, and September as I adjusted to living with people I didn't really know), confronting my anger and bitterness (mid-semester), my desire to find a guy to love me with a forever kind of love (my entire life, really), homesickness, wondering about my future, struggling to assert myself in healthy ways, facing my critical spirit and insecurity and arrogance, and so much more. It has been, as I believe I have written before, the most terrifying and exciting emotional roller coaster I have ever ridden.

I learned in my Marriage and Family class last semester how important conflict is if it is handled well. It can deepen a relationship. It creates a bond between those involved. Conflict isn't necessarily negative. We were created for conflict. Seriously. There was conflict before the Fall. For example, there was no mate suitable for Adam in all the creatures that had been created. (That's something I learned from Donald Miller. "Next time you complain that you can't find a date, think about Adam.") Take conflict. Give it to God. Let Him turn it into something beautiful. Use that beauty. Be a "wounded healer." (This is the idea of using what you have learned in overcoming your own struggles and experiences to help others over come theirs.)

So. That's what I'm processing right now. I'm thinking through the conflicts I'm facing right now. They are many, but none that cannot be overcome. My God is for me and He will not be defeated.

More to come later in the week.

January 22, 2012

2012-01-25T23:45:00.000-05:00

Here's what I did on Sunday:

7:30: Wake up, get dressed, make coffee, put on makeup. You know, get ready for church.
8:05: Leave the house.
8:20-1:45-ish: Church, lunch, hanging out with friends.
2:30: Leave the house with everything I'd need for the rest of the day.
3:00: Meet with a new small group to make a plan to be mentored by a professor. Yeah, that's a pretty good way to describe that.
4:45: Get picked up from the professor's house by Mom and Dad to go back to church.
5:00-5:30: Czech Republic meeting.
5:30: Leave the meeting early to get in the car and drive to Wheaton College.
7:30-9:00-ish(Chicago time): Listen to Don Miller (author of Blue Like Jazz, Searching for God Knows What, and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, among other works) talk about how to live a good story.
9:15: Go to my aunt's house to chat briefly, get coffee, and receive my copy of Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie of TOMS Shoes.
Then we drove through fog back to Mishawaka, and my parents drove the rest of the way home.
I walked into a house that smelled like burned hot dogs, which is a terrible smell. The source of the smell, which still lingers in our kitchen, was actually burned microwave popcorn. I don't know the whole story.
I was awake until 3 doing homework and watching "Downton Abbey."

It was a very long day and nearly every activity involved some kind of conversation about the future.

Sunday School: We talked about abiding and resting in God, spending time with Him in order to create a deeper, stronger, more intimate relationship. It's something that I struggle with so much. It's so easy to get caught up in doing stuff for Jesus that I forget to do stuff with Jesus.

Meeting with the professor: I want to learn how to talk to people about Jesus. I am not the kind of person who walks up to people and asks them whether they know who Jesus is. I'm a seed planter. I'm a thought provoker. And I am built for relationship. I am built for incarnational missions. I'm built to spend time with people to teach and learn together. But I don't have much experience, and I want to learn from someone who does. So a group of us have decided to meet regularly and have conversations about how to have conversations.

Czech Republic meeting: I'm planning to go to Czech Republic this summer with the youth group I work with. I'm pumped. I'm nervous. I'm ready. I'm ready to train and to get to know the team. I'm ready to go and meet the people and work with them and teach English and be Jesus. I'm ready to see what God does in me and through me in the next several months.

Don Miller: So much good came out of this time, and there will be other posts about that. He brought up the need to do things with God. He talked about living a good story. And he challenged us:
"What if you had to pull out all of the meaningless days when you just watched TV or played Xbox; would there still be enough that was interesting to make a film?"
Wow. That just kills me. I waste a lot of time, and I know it. It has been a huge struggle for me, and I always want to change it, but I never really do anything about it.
"What if the things that go into a great story are the the same things that go into a great life?"
That was the premise of his talk. That's the premise of A Million Miles in a Thousand Years." (Read it. It will make you want to either take a nap or make a change. For my family, especially my mom and my brother, it brought about major change. Like, quitting jobs change.)
This will become a separate post, probably tonight.

So, yeah. Sunday was a really good day. It was exhausting and long and busy and I spent a huge amount of time thinking and contemplating my future, and wondering what's next. I still don't know. And maybe God's asking me what I want. (Read what I'm going to write for tomorrow. It will start to make sense.)

What has happened and what comes next.

2011-12-26T00:18:00.000-05:00

That title sounds like this post will be some big dramatic announcement of something that happened recently.
But don't hold your breath.

2011. One of the best and worst years of my life.
What has happened:
Joy.
Confession.
Rejection.
Heartbreak.
Hope.
Travel.
Diagnoses.
Death.
Depression.
Anger.
Bitterness.
Movie marathons.
New house and new roommates.
Stress.
Frustration.
Tension.
Honesty.
Laziness.
Loneliness.
Writing.
Sharing.
Baking. So much baking.
Friendship.
Fear.
Uncertainty.
Grace Church Youth.
Music.
Prayer.
Weddings.
Catching the bouquet.
Family.
Kindle.
Today.

2012.
What comes next:
New year.
Reading.
Knitting.
Baking.
Recipe testing.
New classes.
Writing.
Prayer.
Solitude.
Change.
Compassion.
Uncertainty.
Learning.
Trust.
Weddings.
Finding out.
Planning.
Rejoicing.

"Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes."
["10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)" by Matt Redman.]

This is what I did in England (Part 5: Scotland and heading home)

2011-12-18T00:29:00.000-05:00

One of the peacocks at Warwick

22 May 2011

Day 12: Travel Fatigue

York Minster

I am ready to be home. I’m ready for different people and familiar foods, places, habits, TV channels, accents, preaching, etc. I’m ready to tell people about this trip. I’m ready to sleep on my own schedule and in my own bed. I’m ready for time with my best friends and with my family.

After climbing up to Hadrian's Wall

I have been working hard to hide my frustration with people, from our group and the others. I have tried to be a peacemaker. God has given me the ability to see every side of an argument, and I have a tendency to defend anyone who is receiving insult (when they don’t know about it), and this is getting me in trouble.

I’m ready to be with people who get me. I miss my friends who can finish my sentences. I miss laughing with my dad and arguing with my mom.
I’m ready for summer to really start
for movie marathons.
for lying in the sun.
for learning how to play the ukulele.
for reading stacks of books.
Thinking about all of this is making it difficult to appreciate these days, but I don’t want to just block it all out.

Dr. Gerber in Scotland

I hope a good night’s sleep helps. I have lots of homework to finish in the next couple of days.

23 May 2011

Day Thirteen: Scotch Mist

I’m feeling better about life today, but I’m more ready to go home. The inclement weather and the fear of delays due to the ash cloud are making me anxious to get on a plane and get away from it. But I only want to do that if I can be assured that there won’t be problems mid-flight.

Right now I’m sitting in the open area on our floor, next to a wall of windows. I’m watching clouds scuttle by and birds fight the wind.

The Elephant House
The birthplace of Harry Potter

It has been a long day. Our tour this morning was less than thrilling, excepting the time when our guide singled me out for muttering. He had been telling a story as we stood outside of Holyroodhouse. It was windy and raining, and I couldn’t hear him so I was talking to the girl next to me about how much more effective it would have been to tell us this while we were on the bus. He pulled me to the front of the group and asked me about whatever he had been talking about. I said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I couldn’t hear you.” Everyone laughed. He said, “Didn’t your mother tell you to listen to what every man says and to believe him?” More laughter. We were special friends for the rest of his time with us.

The dregs of my Elephant House mocha

Homework in the hotel.

Lunch was had at the “Birthplace of Harry Potter,” and I have been in the hotel since then.

24 May 2011

Day Fourteen: Traveling Home

We received a phone call late last night telling us to be ready to load by 2:45am. Krista and I were already planning to have an all-nighter, and the extra early departure solidified that plan. I ended up sleeping for about an hour before getting up and getting my stuff together. I managed to pack everything in the right amount of space, almost a miracle considering how much I brought and how much I bought over the past two weeks.

I climbed on the bus and fell asleep pretty quickly. I woke up around 4am to see the mist and fog over grey-green hills, with the sun just starting to shine through. It was beautiful. Then I started to feel carsick, so I closed my eyes and slept some more.

Now we’re on our way home. I’m sitting comfortably in World Traveller Plus, watching “The King’s Speech.” Characters include previous kings of England, along with a very young Queen Elizabeth II; Wallace Simpson, the American mistress/wife of the latest king’s brother; and Sir Winston Churchill. Thus far, it is a wonderful movie.

The flight is going well, although I’m feeling sick as I always do during flights. We are currently over the north central area of the Atlantic Ocean, but I unfortunately do not have a window seat and cannot see anything out the windows except the wings of the plane.

The past two weeks have been marvelous. I’ve seen and learned and grown. I’ve laughed and cried. I’ve gotten to know some wonderful people, and have realized how much I appreciate those who remained in the States. God has taught me about grace, love, patience, peace, healing tears, rest, joy, and the need to be flexible. He has granted me great patience with all of the things that could have been frustrating. I’m excited to go home and tell my family and friends about this trip, but I might be more excited to show them how I think I’ve changed.

I am so thankful for this trip and for all the hard work that went into it.

Just a few more hours. It’s odd to think that a plane can cross the Atlantic in the same amount of time it takes a coach to drive from Edinburgh to London.

And now, I’ll return to my movie and perhaps a nap.

This is what I did in England (Part 4)

2011-12-16T20:03:00.000-05:00

20 May 2011
Day Eleven: Return to Oxford and onto the Land of the Bard

"Dominus illumina mea."
"The Lord is my light."
The University motto.

Going back to Oxford was like going home. The streets were familiar, the shops were familiar, the Starbucks was familiar.

It was nice to have an official tour of the city, including New College. Our guide clearly knows the city well. She even pointed out several locations that were used in filming the “Harry Potter” movies. I’ll have to look out for them when my best friend and I have our HP marathon next month.

Anne Hathaway's cottage

And then on to Stratford. It’s such a quaint little town, and I can only imagine what it might have been like when Shakespeare lived there. It’s so cool to know that I have now walked in the steps of two of my favorite writers (Lewis and Shakespeare). I have seen their churches and their graves. I love that.

Shakespeare's final resting place

On a more personal and private note, I have now added another country to my list of “Places I’ve Had My Period.” This happens every time I leave the country. I had it on my 2007 trips to Canada and Jamaica. I also had it on my 2005 trip to Hawaii. It just comes at the most inconvenient times, but it’s good to know that my body is working properly. And with all of the walking that we’ve been doing, the cramps haven’t been bad at all.

21 May 2011
Day Twelve: Coffee with Strangers from the Internet

AJ and Melissa Leon are working with the Shakepeare Birthplace Trust’s social media presence. They have helped several important people connected with the Birthplace start blogs and Twitter accounts.

They and my dad somehow found each other online and got to know each other. They even visited my parents on a tour of the States last fall. I’d never met them, but because we were in Stratford, my dad wanted to make sure we connected in something that is called a “Tweet-up” (a meet-up organized on Twitter). We tweeted and texted and finally met at a coffee shop called Box Brownie. They serve the “best coffee in town” along with various pastries. AJ insisted that I try something that I can best describe as a sandwich. It’s a scone that has been split. Each half is spread with jam, and cream is the main filling. The scone is full of dried fruit, the jam is a perfect balance of tart and sweet, and the cream adds the perfect texture. It will definitely be on the menu when I open a bakery.

Shakespeare's Birthplace

Dad writes a devotional blog post every weekday at 300wordsaday.com. AJ reads it religiously, pun intended. He told a local minister about it, and the minister and Dad have talked a bit online. Dad sent a small rock with me and wrote on it “Paul, a tiny altar –Jon.” I was just going to leave it with AJ and Melissa. But, as Providence would have it, Paul and one of the world’s leading Shakespeare scholars, Stanley Wells, were meeting at Box Brownie this morning. I got to meet them both, which was very cool.

I have had opportunities on this trip that I could only dream of.

This is what I did in England (Part 3: London)

2011-12-15T21:29:00.001-05:00

15 May 2011

Day Six: Boots +London Walking= SORE FEET!!

One of the intricately carved doors
at Westminster Abbey

It was a bright and sunny morning in Bath. We woke up around 5:15 to get ready to leave for London. Steph didn’t want to get up and when we pressured her she said “I’m gonna go worship with the pagans at Stonehenge.” Krista would not allow this and threw a pillow at her. Eventually we were all up and in the vans, ready to head to London.

Service at Westminster Abbey was beautiful. I’ve sung enough Latin masses to know what to expect. I had no problems staying awake, which surprised me. During the giving of the elements of communion, I thought about going up for a blessing or even to take part. I mean, how cool would it be to say that my first sip of alcohol was in Westminster Abbey!? But if that’s my motivation, then I would be taking communion for bragging rights and not because it was Jesus’ command. That is not okay with me. So I stayed in my seat.

I thoroughly enjoyed our walk to lunch, despite not knowing quite where we were going. We were beginning to get acquainted with the city, something we’ll need in the next few days.

After lunch, Rachelle needed to go pick up her London Pass. We agreed to meet Brent and Evan at the London Eye and five of us headed to Regent Street. After getting all that squared away, Amy, Rachelle, and I went to the Eye. We had agreed to meet between 4:00 and 4:15. The three of us stood and waited for about an hour before we decided to just go on the Eye. We had walked back and forth in the area several times, and the guys were nowhere in sight. They arrived just before we got into our pod and waited while we went around. It was a great ride and gave us an awesome view of the city.

Houses of Parliament

When our ride was finished, we started back in the direction of Westminster, stopping several times to take pictures and to watch people lose their money to young men doing sleight of hand tricks on the bridge.

Dinner was eaten in a Thai restaurant on Queensway, and was delicious.

We made our way back to the hotel and spent the evening relaxing. I discovered that one of the lifts would not go to the first floor, which was horribly frustrating. But the hotel is nice and the room is the perfect size for the three of us.

My biggest regret from the day is that I wore my boots all day. My feet were screaming by the time I got to the room.

16 May 2011

Day Seven: Two Tragedies Mended By a Mocha

Tower of London entrance

Tragedy #1: Tower of London. Bird poop. My head. The four of us (Me, Julie, Rachelle, and Amy) went to the Tower as our first used of our London Passes (henceforth to be called “LPs”). Julie wanted to go on the guided tour, and Amy agreed. Rachelle and I wanted to just walk through. We decided that we would listen for a while and if we didn’t think we’d enjoy it, we’d leave the group. It had been less than five minutes when I felt something hit my head. I thought it might have been a raindrop, but it was likely enough that it had been a bird that I didn’t want to touch it. So I turned to the others and said, “did I just gat rained on or pooped on?” They looked at my hair and said, “it’s poop.” Julie kindly cleaned it out so that it couldn’t be seen, but I was ready to get away from the tour group. The rest of our visit to the Tower was relatively uneventful.

Shortly before the
second tragedy of the day.

Tragedy #2: Thames River. London Bridge. LP. Wind. Rachelle and I wanted to do the “London Bridge Experience,” which gives the history of the Bridge along with an optional haunted house-type walk-through. It took us a while to get to the bridge, and we stopped to take a few pictures as we crossed. We were almost to the South Bank when I pulled my LP out of my purse and had it in my left hand. I was swinging my arms the normal amount for walking when my card caught on my jeans, flipped out of my hand and flew over the side of the bridge and into the Thames. My frustration with myself was beyond words. We went to the ticket office and asked if we could still get in, but they wouldn’t let me without the card.
Starbucks. We went down to the London Bridge Station to take the Tube back. The first thing I noticed was a Starbucks. My thought and words were “Praise Jesus,” because Starbucks has long been a place where I have found comfort. It was time to head to Queensway for some retail therapy. I found three new scarves for £5 total, a Manchester United scarf for my brother, and a few other gifts.

I repacked my bags, took a shower, ate dinner at Subway, and relaxed for the rest of the evening.

17 May 2011

Day Eight: A New Nickname and Being a Groundling

Brent has decided to call me “LP” in light of my recent trouble with the Thames. I can laugh about it now, because there’s nothing else to do. It wouldn’t be worth going to the place to get a new card, since there are so many free things to do in the city.

Our first adventure of the day was switching hotels with all of our bags on the Tube. My suitcase has become very heavy, plus I have my two carry-ons and my purse. It was an interesting and graceless experience that resulted in a nasty bruise on my leg.

The afternoon was free and we couldn’t use our LPs (for various reasons) so we went to the British Museum. We started in the Ancient Egypt rooms, which were of little interest to me.

Brent texted me at some point to ask what we were doing. I told him that we were doing free things today. His response: “free things like throwing things in the river?” This did not merit a response until I could say it to his face with the appropriate tone.

The Globe Theatre

I was able to find some gifts in the shops at the museum, and then we went on our way. We found a restaurant that sounded like it would be good. We agreed that it was NOT! It was horribly disappointing, and the girl working was quite rude. Amy left a bag of souvenirs under the table. The girl, who cleaned the table while we were still in the restaurant, threw it in the trash. Amy got it out, but it left us marveling at the rudeness of many people we’d met.

As You Like It has long been one of my favorite Shakespeare plays, but I hadn’t seen it until tonight. I know that Hamlet was an option at one point, and although it would have been great to see, standing for its entirety would have been the end of me. I thoroughly enjoyed being a Groundling, though. Both for the experience and for the bragging rights.

The awesome band at Windsor.

18 May 2011

Day Nine: New People and a New Musical.

This was an interesting day. We have joined the other groups, who will certainly prove to be entertaining. Many of our fellow travelers are quite loud and rude, and a bit offensive.

Kids outside Buckingham Palace
coming from a cricket match or practice.

Our visit to Windsor Castle was fun! I enjoyed the Changing of the Guard and listening to the band play such songs as the “Star Wars” theme, The Beatles’ “Eleanor Rigby,” Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and the theme from “Hawaii Five-O.”

I wasn’t terribly interested in the inside, other than thinking about all the people who had walked there before me. The history interests me, but I can learn it at home. I value the fact that I can now connect with it more personally.

The bus tour was certainly informational. Our guide made a few offensive jokes, but I realize that a) he comes from a place with a lower moral standard than that to which we are accustomed and b) we cannot hold everyone to the standards to which we hold ourselves and our Christian brothers and sisters. I did not like his behavior and I’m not excusing it, but I must show grace because grace is what I have been given.

Outside the Apollo Victoria
after seeing "Wicked."

We had dinner at the Bear and Staff, one of several Nicholson’s Pubs. As we were eating upstairs in the Chaplin Room, we looked out the windows to see that the rain had picked up, much to our dismay.

After dinner, we rejoined the group and made our way to the Apollo Theatre to see “Wicked. A New Musical.” The “new musical” bit has been a part of the title since the show opened a few years ago. This is the best production I’ve seen out of three. A few of the characters could have been better developed and performed, but Elphaba was done perfectly.

This was a good day, overall.

19 May 2011

Day Ten: Past, Present, and Future
Today started at the Natural History Museum. We spent a couple hours in the “Blue Zone” which starts with dinosaurs. As I’ve said several times, I’m not a fan of ancient history, but I did get to take some great photos.

I just think this
little guy is so cute.

The next section was mammals. Not so great for photography, but interesting anyway.

Some of this journal has been removed due to its revealing information
that does not need to be revealed yet.

After we left, we were all ready to find some lunch. Unfortunately, there isn’t much around the museum. We hopped on a bus without really knowing where it was going, but eventually we saw some restaurants, got off, and had delicious waffles and crepes for lunch and dessert.

Outside the Dominion Theatre
after seeing "We Will Rock You."

After lunch we found our way to the Victoria & Albert and walked around for a while. I found more gifts for myself and for friends.

Rachelle and I left Julie and Amy to head back to the hotel to get ready to go see “We Will Rock You.” They had some interesting adventures for the next couple of hours.

The show was AMAZING!! Our seats were wonderful, the cast was incredible, the music was delightful, and the script was overall hilarious. We’re both glad we went. I would have been rather upset if I hadn’t made it happen, because I wouldn’t have another chance.

This is what I did in England (Part 2)

2011-12-13T19:47:00.000-05:00

13 May 2011
Day Four: SIM Card Success and Sacred Spring
After battling the vans with the luggage, we set off for Bath this morning. As soon as we got moving steadily, I fell asleep. I think the excitement of being here has finally given way to jet lag. Along the way, we stopped at a service area. The first storefront was a phone store that had exactly what I needed. Hearing my parents voices tonight was wonderful. It was definitely worth missing dinner with everyone.

Bath Abbey

I’m finally convinced that I’m not in the States. The architecture here in Bath is so amazing. I love that the shops are just cut out of the old buildings, rather than built separately. I’ve noticed that everywhere. The country seems to embrace the history that it has, rather than pushing for total modernity.

I had been looking forward to our visit to Stratford. My parents have friends who are working at the Birthplace, and I was hoping to meet up with them. But we have a couple days there next week, and we all have each others’ phone numbers, so I’m hoping we can make something work.

I’m glad to add two more Christian heroes to the list of those whose steps I’ve walked in. I’m definitely glad we went to Bristol. (We went to the New Room, the church of John and Charles Wesley.)

One of the pools at the Baths

I wasn’t at all sure of what to expect at the Baths. I’m not much of a fan of ancient history, because it’s so difficult to connect with. There are so few solid facts and everything is so deteriorated that I find it difficult to imagine what it would have been like thousands of years ago. I’m not a fan of speculation. Now, I appreciate the contributions of the Roman Empire. I just don’t care so much about their worship of Minerva or the curses they wrote on pieces of lead. That doesn’t help me much.

14 May 2011

Stonehenge

Day Five: A Fancy Pile of Rocks and a Bunch of Dead Folks
More ancient history with even more mystery. I’ve always wanted to visit Stonehenge, but once I realized that we couldn’t get close to it I was a bit disappointed. And when we got there I was unimpressed. I thought it would be bigger. And I get so frustrated with all the speculation and stories of what it might have been used for. But I’m glad that I can now say that I’ve been there.

The trash can outside the gelato place.
Part of one of my favorite inside jokes.

At the gift shop, I was getting ready to buy a sweat shirt when I realized that I didn’t have my debit card. It wasn’t in my wallet or purse. But I didn’t panic. I was pretty sure I’d left it in the pocket of the pants I wore yesterday. (And I mean “pants” in the American sense.) I had brought it out to pay for ice cream last night, but the place only took cash. I only vaguely remembered putting it into my back pocket, but it was enough remembrance to keep me from completely flipping out.

I am not yet a fan of Jane Austen, no doubt from being forced to read Pride and Prejudice in high school, so I was apathetic about visiting her house. I wandered aimlessly through the rooms and only took a few pictures. The gift shop had mugs with Mr. Darcy (Colin Firth, the only Darcy there can ever be) on them, along with one of his quotes. I bought that and £2 copies of Emma and Mansfield Park. I want to justify my dislike of Austen or be converted to a fan. I’m adding the books to my reading list for the summer.

Unfortunately, I left my camera in the van when we got out at Winchester Cathedral, but I still enjoyed walking through. I’ll have to rely on Evan and Stephanie’s pictures, which are often like those that I would take.

In our adventures in Winchester, we came upon the “Oldest Bar in England,” founded in 1002. We went in, but we’d already eaten so we didn’t stay.

The most beautiful rainbow of my life.

When we got back to the YMCA, I checked my pants from last night and, sure enough, the card was there.

Oh yeah, and we got super lost on our way back to Bath. But I fell asleep, so I ddn’t really notice. But when we finally got back, there was the most incredible rainbow I’ve seen in my life. It was a double and the lower arch showed the full range of color and seemed to be made of several layers. It was amazing!

This is what I did in England (Part 1)

2011-12-12T20:34:00.000-05:00

I've decided that it's time to post my journals from my trip to England. We were there seven months ago.
I want to go back more than I can say. I miss it more than makes sense for a two-week trip.
Part of that might be because it was the last part of my summer that was really good.
But anyway.
For the next few days, I'm going to post a few days worth of journals.
First up: Travel; Oxford

10 May 2011

Day One: Travel Day
I don’t usually get worried/anxious/nervous about leaving home. I’ve been to Hawaii, Jamaica, Florida, St. Louis, and West Virginia, not to mention college, without my parents in the past six years. But I’ve been freaking out about this trip for several weeks. Why?

-I have a tendency to blow through money without realizing it. I know how much of a problem this is but it’s become such a habit that I have to work really hard to remember to think about each purchase.

-My most recent flight was terrible. We were just above a storm and the turbulence was awful. I was scared for the first time in my flying career. My choir director, who was leading the trip, said that it was nothing compared to her trip to Europe. I didn’t want to be scared during a flight again, especially over the ocean.

-I’m not close friends with anyone on the trip. And I’m rarely motivated to care about deepening friendships. I’m just fine doing things on my own, especially when traveling. But on a trip like this, it’s important to become close with the rest of the group. I don’t want to seem like a jerk.

BUT. The van ride to the airport was fine. We had a good time talking about things we’re looking forward to and what we had done to prepare.

AND. The flight has been fine. I watched “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader,” which was almost nothing like the book but was a decent movie nonetheless.

I’m excited to land and get started on this adventure.

11 May 2011

Day Two: Wanderings in Oxford with Jet Lag
Today we all fought our exhaustion as we wandered about Oxford. I was feeling fine until we sat down for Evensong. Usually, if I keep moving or talking to people, I can stay awake, but as soon as I stop doing anything, it’s all I can do to keep my eyes open.

I’m still trying to convince myself that I’m in England. The people don’t look any different from any I’ve seen before, the landscapes I’ve seen look like Pennsylvania and New York, and the flora and fauna is so similar that I could be anywhere in the States.
Of course, there are differences.

-Driving on the left. I’ve been to Jamaica, so it’s not completely new to me. And Brent has done it so much that I’m not worried at all. I guess the major differences are the lack of square blocks and all of the roundabouts. Plus the cyclists and pedestrians. I’d be so scared to try to drive. No one seems to care about running into anyone. As a fast walker and an intense city walker, I love this. I walk around people and weave through crowds like it’s my job. I refuse to get slowed down by someone in front of me walking slowly. I do this in hallways, on sidewalks at BC, and especially in Chicago. When I’m with a group, though, it becomes a bit of a problem. I’m learning patience.

-The cuisine. There seems to be no such thing as a light meal. I haven’t been very hungry, as my digestive system has not yet adjusted, so the large portions and greasy fish have been difficult to handle.

-I haven’t noticed many differences in vocabulary, but sometimes word usage seems simplified from American English. I’ve had to think carefully about money and the exchange rate, but I haven’t had much chance to spend. Everything seems to close pretty early.

Christ Church College

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. C.S. Lewis has long been one of my favorite authors/philosophers/
apologists, a love that my dad and I share, so visiting his home will be very special. Dad has told me several times that he is jealous of me. It will also be fun to wander in Oxford for a while.

12 May 2011

Day Two: Heroes of Different Kinds
This was a wonderful day. We were all much more awake and could better appreciate the things we saw.

Blenheim Palace

Blenheim Palace was magnificent. I wish we’d had more time to explore the grounds, but the house itself was incredible. As a photographer, I could appreciate the symmetry of the architecture, even though I rarely take centered shots. I wish we’d been able to take photos inside during the tour, but I know that the memories will last.

The Kilns was one of the places that I’d been looking forward to the most, and was the thing that Dad was most jealous of. He is something of a Lewis scholar, even team-teaching a Lewis course for a while. It was so strange to think that we walked paths that Jack and Warnie walked, stood in the place where Narnia was first put to paper, and looked out the window that Jack probably looked out just before he died. I took dozens of pictures to show Dad.

One of the last sights C.S. Lewis saw

In one day we stood in the room where Winston Churchill, the great wartime leader, was born, and the room where C.S. Lewis, soldier in more ways than one, died. A hero of country and a hero of faith, so geographically close to each other yet so different.

Our furthered adventures in Oxford proved to be a bit frustrating. All of the shops close around 5pm, so we didn’t have much time. I’m looking for a Lycamobile SIM card so I can use my phone to call my parents. I emailed them tonight but that’s just not enough. I want to hear their voices from across the ocean and speak into my own house. I’ve wanted to text them so many times to tell them what we’ve been doing. I’ve gotten so used to that that it’s almost second nature to reach for my phone. I hope I’m able to find the card in the next few days.

Tomorrow: Bath, Stonehenge, Jane Austen's house, Winchester Cathedral

Christmas List 2011

2011-11-10T21:19:00.001-05:00

Yes, I'm doing this again.
Mostly because it tells my parents what I want and why I want it.
And it gives you, my readers, a chance to prove how much you love me.
Don't feel obligated.

1. Kindle Touch 3G. I think. I've come to the conclusion that it would be more practical for carrying around than all of my books, and it would be so much cooler to pull out in class. And the features for the Touch 3G sound amazing.

2. A new computer. Or for my computer to miraculously work again. I can't open iTunes, Chrome, or Spotify, and I can't leave it on and unused for very long without it freezing. It's getting very annoying.

3. Cake decorating supplies like pastry bags, tips, sprinkles, sparkles, dragees, etc. I have a wedding to bake for next summer and I want to do it right.

4. Knitting needles. I can only work on one project at a time right now, and that is not gonna work for much longer.

5. This Is Not A Book, by Keri Smith. Smith has a whole series of non-traditional journals that I love. Each page gives instructions that cause the reader to be creative and fun.

6. Flour, sugar, eggs, oil, milk, cream, butter, cream cheese, salt, baking soda, baking powder, espresso powder, peanut butter, high-quality chocolate. Really, anything I will need to test recipes for the wedding. A lot of it.

7. Send animals through Heifer International.

8. Plane tickets to London for February 26-March 3. Melisa is going to be at Oxford next semester and I want to visit her. And go back to the country that still has my heart.

9. A way to get to Portland, OR and a place to stay once I get there. July.

10. A car.

11. A knife set. Not in a wooden block.

This is not an exhaustive list.
And it's really selfish.
Except for the animals thing.
But this is my blog, so I'll post what I want.
Better post coming soon.

old notecards

2011-11-03T20:57:00.000-04:00

About six months ago I sat at SG, planning to do homework but getting distracted.
I was thinking too much.
I was searching for anything to do that meant I didn't have to do homework.
So I pulled out my Crayola Twistables Colored Pencils and a stack of 3x5 cards.
I started writing, sketching, journaling, confessing, dreaming.
I was angry at boys but still wanted to love them.
I was confused.
I was hurting and broken after a long couple of months.

My friend Brian came over and talked to me.
I let him read the cards and he gave me some good, practical advice.
And then I put the cards back into my bag and didn't think about them.

I pull them out occasionally and laugh at the things I was thinking.
But they remind me of my hurt and frustration.
I looked at them a few minutes ago.
I was reminded of my appreciation for a friend who came into my life at just the right moment.
I was reminded of what I thought was love for another friend who is not really a friend.
I was reminded of the confusion of that time.

"Too many thoughts to decide
which ones to write down.
Too little certainty to think
about anything for too long.
Too much heartache to hope
for my cloudy mind to clear.
Too near to him to let any-
thing show or to even speak.
Too much love that is not really
love to know what is really real."
4-25-11

Oh, that night.
Oh, this night of honesty.
Oh, frustration.

Sometimes my history books make me laugh.

2011-11-03T20:11:00.000-04:00

"The assumption is twofold: the American female was supposed to be so infinitely lovable and provocative that a healthy male could barely control himself when in the same room with her, and the same girl, as she "conies out" of the cocoon of her family's protectiveness, is so palpitating with undirected affection, so filled to the brim with tender feelings, that she fixes her love on the first person she sees. She awakes from the midsummer night's dream of adolescence, and it is the responsibility of her family and society to see that her eyes fall on a suitable match and not some clown with the head of an ass. They do their part by such restrictive measures as segregated (by sex and/or class) schools, dancing classes, travel, and other external controls. She is required to exert the inner control of obedience. The combination forms a kind of societal chastity belt which is not unlocked until the marriage partner has arrived, and adolescence is formally over."

-Barbara Welter
Quoted in Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States

Why do I write?

2011-10-25T00:05:00.000-04:00

I write because I need affirmation.
I write because I want people to know who I am.
I write because I have something to say and I do not have a natural platform from which to say it.

I write when I cannot speak the words out loud.
I write for healing.
I write to understand my thoughts and to help others understand my thoughts.

I write because I have to.
I write because I can.
I write because I get lost in my thoughts unless I can see them.

I write because I am narcissistic.
I write because sometimes it's the only way I know how to deal with my life.
I write because it's part of who I am and where I've come from.

I write because sometimes, I feel like there are no words.
But when I write, they appear.

When did we get so old?

2011-10-20T22:18:00.000-04:00

I suppose "old" isn't quite the right word.
More like "grown up" or "far along in life."

I was home last weekend for Fall Break.
On Saturday, I went to a bridal shower.
Most of the bridal showers I have gone to up until this point in my life were for family and family friends.
Not this one, though.
No, this was for someone I met because we were in the same class in fourth grade.
She voted for me for class president and I loved her hair that was about a mile long.
Her name is Abigail, and when we were juniors in high school she started dating the guy (Josh) with whom she is going to spend the rest of her life.

We spent a lot of time talking about when they were going to get married and we were planning her wedding and asking all kinds of questions.
And then we made a rule that we wouldn't talk about it again until she had the ring on her finger.

One day last summer, we were all (our group of friends that has been together for years) going to a park to take pictures.
We met at Abbi's house to carpool, and while we were there Elyzabeth asked whether Josh had proposed yet.
"NO!" was the very quick response.
My eyes went immediately to her left ring finger.
But she had turned her ring around so I couldn't tell whether it was the promise ring that she had been wearing for a couple years or something new.

We spent a while at the park, and then went to a local ice cream shop.
"So, Elyzabeth, I lied to you earlier."
YES!! Abigail was engaged!!
We screamed and all eyes went to our tables.

We all knew that this day was coming, but even when it did, it didn't quite sink in.
Then I got a text that said "December 18, 2011. Put it on the calendar, cause that's when this girl is getting married!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yes, I still have the message on my phone. Yes, she sent it in February.
It started to get real at that point.
The rest of us started talking about dresses and dates and all that.

And we kept saying "I can't believe that we're old enough to get married."
Granted, Abbi is about six months older than any of the rest of us, and more than a year older than I am.
But still. I've known her since FOURTH GRADE!!
But, she's one of the only people our age who I think is actually ready to get married.
(Much more so than several who are already married.)

So, ask she opened gifts at the shower, I was struck by the fact that, about two months later, she'd be married.
Yes, in two months, Abigail and Josh will have been married for two days.

It's weird. In the best way possible, don't get me wrong.
But this is the girl who loved riding her scooter and had about a thousand Barbies and watched "Shrek" with me about fifty times.
She's all grown up, no longer living with her parents, and making whatever plans you make in the two months before your wedding.

I love this stage of life, and I hate this stage of life. But we're all doing it together.
And I am so thankful for that.

root beer, marshmallows, and fire.

2011-10-09T01:17:00.000-04:00

There is a house on campus that is occupied by 13 guys.
They are Campus Safety's favorite people.
That is a false statement.

Tonight, they had their annual Benton House Root Beer Keg Party.
Yep, you read that correctly. A real keg filled with root beer.
"What? It's not real beer? Why even stay?"
For the fun. Duh.

I have been invited every year that I've been at Bethel, but haven't gone.
Until this year. I figured it was about time to have some fun.
So, after we beat Grace in soccer (holla!), Casey and I headed over to the party.
Good life choice.

It was like any college party, I suppose.
Except for the total lack of alcohol.
And it was super fun.

After a while, we went up to the roof, which was a terrifying process for me as I have zero fence climbing skills.
Those on the ground chose that time to begin a marshmallow war.
We were defenseless and without ammo, so we caught what we could and threw them back.
Straight up chaos.

After the madness had died down a bit, we climbed down and sat around the fire pits.
A lot of people had left by this time, and about half of those who were still there lived in the house.
Stuff was burned, including a couple hands.

It got to be 12:15 and I realized that I was the only female still around.
And water balloons were starting to be thrown.
So I left.

But I had a fantastic evening.
I finally felt like I was doing something that upperclassmen do.

And I now really wish I had attempted a keg stand, even though it probably would have been a completely humiliating experience.

If only I had the guts.

2011-10-03T01:08:00.000-04:00

"Hi. I just need to start by saying that I never do this.
I never just walk up to a guy that I don't really know and start talking to him.
We aren't even to the point of a nodded greeting yet.
I'm not entirely sure that you even really know my name.
But I need to tell you this.

I have observed you over the past few weeks.
I think that you have some amazing qualities.
Other than being cute and funny, I mean.
You clearly love Jesus.
And you love people and I think that you want to show Jesus to people.
I like that.

For some reason, I am reassured when I see your face.
And I want to see it more often.
I want to get to know you for real.
I don't want to decide yet whether I like you, because that's just not fair.

But seriously, I don't do things like this.
It took everything in me to even say 'hi.'
I don't know what you want to do with this information,
But I needed you to know.

Um. Okay. Bye."

Yeah. If only.

hugs and words.

2011-09-27T20:25:00.000-04:00

1. I don't initiate hugs very often.

It's not that I don't like them, it's just a part of my insecurities.
And I haven't been around many huggy people for the past couple of weeks.
I have gone full days without a hug.
The problem is, physical contact is important to mental health.

2. I like being told that I am good at something.
I like being told that I'm pretty.
I like being told that I'm talented.
I like being validated.
I know that I have value regardless of what people say about me, but it's good to know that others realize that value.

3. I took the Five Love Languages Assessment for Singles last night.
Not surprisingly, Words of Affirmation was my highest score (10/12).
But physical touch was one of the lowest (4/12).
I think that this is because of the way the questions were phrased, but I still find it strange.
(Receiving Gifts was the second highest at 8/12, Quality Time came in at 6/12, and Acts of Service was the lowest score at 2/12.)

4. Another thing I noticed about the assessment was that I give love in very different ways than I receive it.
I don't like it when people do things for me: I gladly do things for others and for myself.
And I'm not very good at giving gifts or making an effort to spend time with people.

This is one of those informational/journal-esque posts.
Take it however you want.

Dinner Party

2011-09-20T22:15:00.000-04:00

On Saturday I got up around 10:00.
I took a shower and then jumped right into making dinner.

After several requests for food, I decided that I was going to make a big dinner this weekend.
I invited a bunch of people, but not all of them came.
That ended up being a very good thing, because we would have completely run out of food.

I decided on a menu of BBQ chicken pizza, salad, and a dessert.
I made a wild decision to make lemon bars. I had never made them before and didn't know how they'd be received. I'll get back to that.

This morning started with the filling for the bars (I made the crust the night before).
While they were in the oven, I made pizza dough.
A real project, that was. I figured I needed enough to feed 15 people, so I made the recipe in two separate bowls at the same time but could only bake one at a time.
I stacked them and left them for the afternoon.

By this time it was 2:00.

Brok was visiting Luke and Kevin and they were in the Acorn.
So I went over there to finally eat lunch and hang out.
We went to the first half of the soccer game and then decided to go get bubble tea.
Pineapple-Green Tea with tapioca pearls and jellies. I recommend it.

When we got back to campus, Casey (whose new nickname is Queso) needed to get stuff from Brok's truck, and Brok wanted to see our house (specifically the crawlspace).
While we were standing the the Oakwood/Slater parking lot, Keelan joined us.
Queso was giving Brok a tour of the house and Kevin, Keelan and I were talking about dinner.
I told them that I had made lemon bars
WHAT!?!
Lemon bars are Keelan and Kevin's favorite dessert. That fact was enough to make my day.
YES! They'd be well-received!
And to make me really nervous. Like I said before, I had never tried to make lemon bars before, so I didn't know how they'd turned out.
It was my Great-Grammy Swanson's recipe, doubled.
The ended up being pretty delicious, albeit not very lemony.
I'll adjust that next time.

Anywho, we got back a little before 6:00, so I had an hour to put the pizzas together, cut the lemon bars, prep the salad, change, and do a quick-clean of the living room and my desk.

I looked very cute for my very first dinner party.
And we had a great time.
But I need a new pizza crust recipe.

I am so thankful for new and old friends and for food and for laughter and for living in a house with a full kitchen and for my Great-Grammy Swanson and for Ben Rector and for soccer games and for bubble tea and for busy Saturdays that I can now look back on and smile.

Oh yeah, and I am now Auntie Hope. Like, AWHN-tee.
Yeah. I'm thankful for that, too.

"boys might be coming over."

2011-09-12T01:58:00.000-04:00

That announcement is made almost every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday in our house.

Two weeks and two days ago, I visited Oakwood to find my friends Luke and Kevin.
I ended up meeting their friends Keelan and Christian, among others.
I had made cupcakes and I invited them over.
They didn't come that night.
I made more cupcakes on Saturday and they all came over on Sunday.

Boy, did they get more than cupcakes.
We had them move our entertainment center, beast of a thing, and wedge our TV into it.
And then Kevin discovered a trapdoor in one of our hall closets.

So Casey, Melisa, Keelan, and I explored.
The door leads to a crawlspace that goes under our entire house, North and South sides.
It's all sand and spider webs and probably the skunk that hangs out around the house.
We had a great time down there, tormenting our neighbors by pounding on their floor, taking pictures, and just sitting in the dark and dirtiness.
We also found some old newspapers and books and other assorted junk.
A song was written about this adventure.
If we're facebook friends, or you're friends with Casey, you can check it out.

I don't think any boys came over last weekend, because it was a weird weekend of most of us being gone.

But there were guys here every night this weekend.

Friday, after the soccer game, Luke, Christian, and a guy named Jeremy came over and we and Casey watched 'Transformers."
It was the first time I'd seen it.
And I didn't really pay attention, so I don't get it at all.

Last night, I went to dinner with a group of friends that included to guys.
We came back here for a brownie-marshmallow dessert that I had made.
(That's part of the reason why the guys came over on Friday, too.)

And tonight Kevin, Keelan, Christian, and Sean came over for the mocha cupcakes I made this afternoon.

It's just fun to have boys over, especially these ones.
They're smart, they're funny, no one's trying to impress anyone else.
It's just a good time for all of us.
And it includes baked goods, so everyone's happy.

But I have a tip jar now, in order to fund my habit. :-)

Next weekend, I'm making dinner.

Labor Day Weekend.

2011-09-10T15:48:00.000-04:00

I was sitting at a wedding a week ago.
It was the only reason I went home for Labor Day.
I came back on Sunday, not taking advantage of an extra day to spend with my friends and family.

I had a couple hours with a few of my friends from home.
I had some time with my parents.
It was a good weekend.

On Sunday, the International Student Fellowship had a cook-out to kick off the school year.
No, I am not an international student. But the ISF welcomes other students so that we can all teach each other about our various cultures.
We had a great time.
I don't remember what else I did on Sunday.
Homework, maybe?
I went to Shupe and watched about half of "The Princess and the Frog."
And slept on our couch, but I'm not sure why.

Monday was a delight.
I slept until at least 10:00, lounged around for a couple hours, made tacos for my lunch, and then came over to SG.
(That's where I am right now, of course.)
Melisa and I talked and did homework and watched people work at the store next door for a couple hours.
Back to the house, then to the Acorn, then to downtown South Bend with Casey.
The three of us wanted to go to the South Bend Chocolate Cafe.
It was closed, because it was Labor Day. Duh.
So we wandered around taking pictures. It was a bit ridiculous. And incredibly fun.

Grocery store, movie night, more homework, sleep.

It was a fantastic and refreshing weekend.

the third time is not always the charm.

2011-09-05T23:38:00.001-04:00

I am a relatively honest blogger.
I've realized that there is no point in hiding everything from my readers, even if they live in Germany.
(I still wonder who my German readers might be.)
So I applied to blog for my college.
Part of the application was a sample post.

Here's what I wrote:

"A fresh start. A clean slate. A new beginning.

That’s my approach to this school year.

After the summer that I’ve had, it’s the only option.

I’m living in a campus house with a group of people I don’t know very well, without the obligations I had last year.

I can’t wait to jump into a new routine with new classes and new opportunities.

But it’s not without apprehension.

I’m a junior, so I should have some idea of what I’m going to do after graduation, right?

Well, not really.

Get a job?

Get married (difficult, because I’m thoroughly single)?

Go to grad school?

Go to culinary school?

I don’t know.

So I’m going to explore my options and try new things.

And I hope you come along with me on this journey."

I didn't get the job.

And I'm sure that there are many reasons why those who did get the job got it and why I didn't, other than for this particular writing sample, but I'm a little upset.

My dad says that this post is too honest.

And I suppose I understand that.

But I'm feeling a little under-appreciated when it comes to my writing.

This is a really good post.

And I have some pretty impressive marketing skills.

I could sell this college if I had to.

I have applied for this gig three times now.

And have received the same rejection email.

(In fact, this year's was not updated to accommodate for the new school year.)

I wanted it.

I wanted to get paid to talk about my life at school.

I have hilarious stories to tell.

And I can tell them well, while shedding a positive light on the college.

That's what I did as a tour guide.

But I'd get to sit behind a computer instead of talking to an actual person.

So, I'm going to talk more about life at Bethel on the blog this year.

I'm going to bring y'all on my journey.

I'm going to start using tags on my posts.

But right now, I'm going to bed.

Melisa and I are going to Starbucks tomorrow, because it's the first day of Pumpkin Spice.

Then I have tennis class, ten minutes, and then US History.

I will sit in a corner and drink my latte quietly, trying to keep my sweaty stench from spreading through the lecture hall.

Pleasant, right.

Good night, readers.

Life Update August 2011

2011-08-27T20:42:00.000-04:00

So, I haven't been very biographical when it comes to my posts lately, other than the series.
This is an update between the end of sophomore year and now (the beginning of junior year).

May: Spent a week and a half at home before crossing the Atlantic to spend two weeks in Great Britain. That will be a series of posts sometime. In short, it was amazing.
Came home and got some sad news.

June: Celebrated my Grandma Swanson's 80th birthday with our whole family.
Grandpa Swanson went into the hospital.
Grandma Swanson stayed with us for a weekend.
Grandpa Swanson died.
We went to Illinois for the visitation and funeral.
We went to Wisconsin for the graveside service and funeral.

July: My parents spent a week in Texas and Oklahoma for Missionary Church General Conference.
I spent that week alone in our house, carrying a knife with me every time I went upstairs.
I worked with our youth group.
I led worship on Thursday nights for our college group.
I was numb.
I was infatuated.
I was weary.

August: Repeat most of July.
Harry Potter marathon.
School.

And here we are at a new chapter.
Childhood has ended.
The reality of mortality has finally struck my heart and mind.
I have learned and I am learning.
I have grown and I am growing.
I am trusting and leaning and surrendering.

And that is a glimpse at how my life is right now.

Also, I'm sitting on our window sill breathing the night air, listening to Adele and cicadas and the cars on Logan St., smelling the cupcakes I made today, wishing I didn't have so much reading to do for classes, and waiting for friends to come over.

"The Church"

2011-08-27T00:46:00.000-04:00

I am guilty of much of what I'm about to talk about.
I acknowledge this and I am trying to change.

The other night I was with a group of people. One of them shared that he had recently talked to a group of strangers about their experiences in "the church." For all of them, "the church" had been a negative experience. They said that "the church" was full of people who were nit-picky and pushed others away for not being perfect. My friend was so upset by this.

I think that many "church people" are upset by the "world's" view of "the church."
But we forget that we are a part of "the church."
We forget that it is "the church's" responsibility to show people Jesus Christ.
And that is not nit-picky.
God wants people to respond to His love.
People won't respond to His love unless it is shown to them.
And it is not shown unless it is unconditional.
Salvation comes before sanctification.
Salvation is for all.

The goal of Christianity is the peaceful annihilation of all other religions.
"The church" has turned itself into a religion. We have turned perfection into a religion because it is what we expect of ourselves.
And, I think, it is what God wants of us. (He knows that it is impossible, but that is why He gives us grace and mercy.)
But we as Christians cannot hold everyone to the standards to which we hold ourselves.
And we cannot forget that not everyone grows or learns in the same way and on the same timeline.
It is unfair for us to expect a non-Christian to understand that their sin is something that should be eradicated.
And baby Christians cannot be expected to immediately drop every sinful habit.
Dropping sinful habits is a part of sanctification.
And sanctification is a process.

But I think that we as "the church" don't always remember this.
At least not in American culture, where we expect everything to happen instantly.

We are "the church" that we so often criticize.
Let's stop criticizing and start changing.
Let's show love the way Jesus did.
Let's not be afraid to eat with tax collectors and sinners.

Let's show that "the church" knows that God is the judge and we are not.

highs and lows of this month.

2011-08-25T00:14:00.000-04:00

highs:
-finishing my summer of working in a warehouse. (I had a great experience there, but it was time to be done.)
-celebrating one of my dearest friends who starts a new chapter in December when she marries the love of her life.
-finishing a Harry Potter movie marathon.
-shopping to live in a house.
-returning to school.
-cooking spaghetti for my friend Bri.
-acting like a helicopter mom while Bri does homework. (she is sitting on our couch right now.)

lows:
Um. I can't really think of any major tragedies.
Except for the end of serious crushes.
So,
-realizing how much time I have spent on things that don't matter.

And thus ends the 30 day blogging challenge.
I've accomplished this.
And I suppose that counts as a high for the month.

days 28 and 29.

2011-08-24T11:06:00.000-04:00

"Something that you miss."

Childhood.

I miss the days when I could pretend that I'd never grow up.
I miss the days when I didn't have to deal with real problems.
I miss the days when I didn't know that electricity and water cost money.
I miss the days when I didn't know about all of the horrible things that happen in the world.

I miss the days when I didn't know that friends and family could die.
I miss the days when I thought sickness only happened in other people's families.
I miss the days when I didn't think anything would ever happen to me.
I miss innocence.

"Goals for the next 30 days."

1. Get up at 7:00am for MWF classes, 9:00am for Tuesdays, and 10:00am for Thursdays.
2. Use all 10 meal swipes every week.
3. Keep my desk, closet, etc. organized.
4. Actually make an effort when it comes to schoolwork, friendships, etc.

And tonight I will write the last post in this series.

"A problem that you have had."

2011-08-20T20:04:00.000-04:00

Rejection.
And avoiding it.
And how I deal with it.

I spent the month of March trying for jobs and whatnot and didn't get anything.
And I didn't deal with it properly.

I really did believe that God had something else for me.
But I never admitted that I was terrified as to what that might be.
I never admitted that I was desperate to find out what was coming.
That much rejection had to be leading up to something amazing, right?

So I put on a brave face through it all.
It wasn't for a couple of months that I finally yelled it all out.
I finally admitted that I was angry about it all.

I avoid rejection, too.
I don't try.
I wait for offers that I know aren't going to fall through.
I've been lazy about school, searching for jobs, thinking seriously about the future.

But that's changing.
I'm learning how to confront my problems and emotions.
I'm learning how to take things into my own hands.

I'm learning.

"What kind of person attracts you?"

2011-08-19T23:16:00.000-04:00

Confident, but not cocky.
Humble, but not self-deprecating.
Jesus-loving.
Musical.
Funny (the way I understand funny).
Smart, but not in an unfortunate way.

Like me, but not exactly like me.
Willing to put forth the effort it takes to maintain a relationship.
(I'm not good at this, so it takes a special person.)

I know it when I see it.

movies and fascination.

2011-08-19T02:06:00.000-04:00

"Your favorite movie and what it's about."

Here's the problem: I don't have a favorite movie.
Does anyone truly have one favorite movie?

So I'll do top three (at most; not in order) in various categories.

Comedy: "Hot Rod," Okay, there really aren't many comedies that are more comedy than romance. And the ones that are are just plain awful ("Dumb and Dumber"). I don't even know why I like "Hot Rod."

Romantic Comedy: "Artois the Goat," "The Holiday," um. I'm drawing a blank now. I'm sure there's something. "The Holiday" is a stretch right now, even though it is a good movie.

Children's/Animated: "Jonah: A Veggietales Movie," "Aladdin," "Fantasia."

Drama/Action: "The Shawshank Redemption," "The Patriot," "Inception"

Other (fitting into several categories): "Stranger than Fiction," "Benny and Joon"

Horror: Oh wait. I don't watch horror movies.

Musical: "Across the Universe," "Moulin Rouge," "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"

Series: The Harry Potter series, the Lord of the Rings series, the Pirates of the Caribbean series.

"Someone who fascinates you and why."

Oh dear.
How can I do this without being too obvious?

I can't.
So I won't.

I suppose I'd say that Hitler is fascinating.
I mean, how can one person harbor so much hatred?

And isn't it strange and terrifying to think that, if we chose, any of us could do that sort of destruction?

I am destructive every day.
I judge and tear down and murder.
(In Biblical terms, you know, the whole hatred equals murder part of the Sermon on the Mount.)
I just do it all inside my head or under my breath.
I get upset with people for driving too closely behind me.
I get annoyed with baristas and cashiers and my own parents.

Is my hatred different from that of Adolf Hitler?
Just because it is not expressed in such gruesome and widespread ways?

Perhaps it is, because I acknowledge that what I do is wrong.
Perhaps it is, because I know that I am covered by the grace of God.

But, perhaps it is not.
Sin is sin?
Murder is murder?

Does God look at my silent murder differently from Hitler's mass murder?

(These are not really meant to be hypothetical/rhetorical questions. I'm okay with thought-out responses.)

This is an iffy post, especially because it will show up when those who are checking out Bethel Blogger applicants look at my page.
But this is an honest post.
And is nothing like any post that I would put on a Bethel Blog.

Readers.

2011-08-17T00:14:00.000-04:00

So, I was just looking at my stats.

I have had readers in Germany, Canada, United Kingdom, South Korea, Japan, Russia, India, Iran, Ireland, and Australia.

This is a little overwhelming.
How did my blog end up in Iran?

Readers, y'all are awesome.
Even if you ended up here by accident.

Or by searching "marilynn ham"+"wedding."

So, dear reader, where are you from?

"Something you'd like to learn."

2011-08-16T23:56:00.000-04:00

Love.
Real love.
Unconditional love.

Because I can't really know it.
I can't really understand it.
I simply can't comprehend what it means to love without condition.

At some point, something's gotta give.
That's part of being human.

I can say that I love the sinner and hate the sin, but a part of me, deep down, knows that that is not entirely true.

I wish my heart wasn't so full of judgment and condemnation.
I wish that I could be more like God when it comes to love.
Yes, I believe that God judges. But He is the only One who has that power and authority.
I can point out when behavior is inconsistent with the teaching of Scripture.
But I don't get to decide Eternity for anyone else.

Too bad I won't every truly learn this.

But I'm thankful that it's how God loves me.

Television and Change.

2011-08-15T19:07:00.000-04:00

"One of your favorite TV shows."

"Food Network Star."
It is WONDERFUL!
It takes normal people who have a passion for food and turns one of them into a TV host. How cool is that?

Go Sandwich King!! (Even though I loved Susie.)

"How have you changed in the past 2 years?"

Well, I have become more outgoing.
I have grown in my freedom in Christ.
My style has changed. (I call myself 'pseudo-hipster.')
My priorities have changed. (I understand that what I do now affects the rest of my life.)
My passions changed from English and Spanish to baking and coffee.
I have learned that God always comes through and the answer is not always what I wanted it to be.

I have made it through 21 days worth of blog posts (without Sundays, except for that one).
The next nine days are going to be really fun.

parents and education.

2011-08-12T23:19:00.000-04:00

Disrespecting your parents.

Well, my parents read my blog, and they'd have quite a bit to say about this.

Willingness and desire are different things. The way the question is asked will determine the answer.

I wouldn't say that I always make a conscious effort to not disrespect my parents, but I do feel guilty when I make a conscious decision to disrespect them.

How important you think education is.

VERY! That's why I'm staying at Bethel and getting my Bachelor's instead of just jumping into a baking program.

I'm learning. I'm experiencing. I'm growing. I'm living.

Yeah.

"Your beliefs."

2011-08-10T22:59:00.000-04:00

I believe in one holy God, who exists in three Persons.

I believe that God the Father sent His only Son, Jesus, to live as a man.
I believe that Jesus experienced what we experience: pain, temptation, sadness, joy, and death.
I believe that he did not sin.
I believe that three days after he was killed like a criminal, he rose and walked among men again.

I believe that he ascended to Heaven to return to the right hand of the Father.

I believe that the Holy Spirit of God lives within those who have accepted Christ as their personal savior, and who desire relationship with him. The Spirit serves as Guide, among other things. He convicts and comforts.

I believe that, when I die, I will be judged. And I believe that I will spend Eternity in Heaven.

I believe that truth is not relative.
I believe that there is only one way.

I believe much more than this, but this is simple. This is understandable.
This is not meant to change your mind. It's more important that your heart is changed.

That is what I believe.

"Your highs and lows of this past year."

2011-08-09T23:28:00.000-04:00

Highs: conVERGE.
Renewal on campus.
Learning about grace, peace, and unending love.
Two weeks in England.
Realizing how much I love baking and how much people love baked goods.
And that there's a future in such a business.

Lows: My grandpa died.
I interviewed and auditioned for a bunch of stuff and didn't get any of it.
I started faking everything.

It really hasn't been a good year. But after three awesome years in a row, I suppose I'm due for a bad one.

"Your views on mainstream music."

2011-08-08T22:56:00.000-04:00

I tend to not know what's going on.

I like songs more than I like the people who write them.
Excepting Adam Young. I love him and his music.

I like music that presents Truth.

I don't like music about trash (and I don't mean that literally).

"Brothers and sisters, think about the things that are good and worthy of praise. Think about the things that are true and honorable and right and pure and beautiful and respected."
Philippians 4:8 (NCV)

Yeah, that's how I feel about music in general.

playing catch up.

2011-08-07T17:24:00.000-04:00

I wasn't going to post on Sundays, but I have been slacking this week so I'm going to get caught up.

Post for August 4: "Somewhere you'd like to move or visit."
I'd like to move to Jamaica for at least a year. I spent a week and a half there in 2007 and fell in love with it.
There is so much need for God's Truth among the people, and I would love to be a part of that.
It is such a beautiful place that is known so well for its resorts and honeymoon potential, but a huge amount of the population is in poverty, living in 14'x14' houses.
I want to shine a light.

I'd like to move to England for at least a year. To learn and work and teach and show that "church" doesn't have to be sleep-inducing. Of course, that could be a dangerous thing with the whole "the reigning monarch is in charge of the church" thing. But for crying out loud. No one speaks Latin. Sure, it's beautiful when a choir sings in a cathedral with a high ceiling. But what teenager, living in a world of Lady Gaga, wants to sit through that? Not many that I know. I want to break tradition. I want to show that low church non-traditions are just fine with God.

I want to visit every country in Europe. Every single one. I'd be willing to spend a year doing that.
And I want to visit China, Russia, India, Brazil, Australia, New Zealand, and Guatemala.
And every state in the Union, plus Puerto Rico.
Yeah. I want to travel.

Post for August 5: "Your earliest memory."

I remember a lot from my childhood. I remember using God's name in vain when I was about four. My mom and brother freaked out and told me to never do that again. I didn't until late elementary school. Then I went through a "trying to fit in" phase that lasted through middle school.

I remember my brother shoving a handful of shaving cream into my face on my fourth birthday.

I remember so much about my first best friend (my first love).
I remember scraping my hands while we drew with chalk on his back patio.
I remember getting stung by a bee on my eyebrow and going to his house.

I remember learning to ride a bike by riding across the street and back, turning around in the driveway.
I remember my brother teaching me to rollerskate at my grandparents old house.

Post for August 6: "Your favorite Tumblrs."

I don't use Tumblr as much as I could. I have one, but I don't do much on it that doesn't happen automatically.
So I don't have any favorites. I don't care enough to check anyone's on a regular basis.

Okay, I'm caught up.

days behind.

2011-08-03T21:54:00.000-04:00

Three posts in one day.
1. "Discuss your first love."

We were five years old.
He had red hair.
He lived behind our next door neighbors.
He was my best friend.
And I guess I loved him.

And then his family moved to Michigan and we moved to Fort Wayne.
We visited them but the friendship between our families fiizzled a bit.
We still exchange Christmas cards and graduation party invitations.
And I still wonder what it would be like to meet him as he is now.

2. "Put Your iPod on Shuffle and Write 10 Songs That Pop Up."

Okay, so I'm going to use iTunes and write the first 10 songs that pop up.

First: "Mundi Renovatio" as sung by the IPFW University Singers at IMEA 2009
Second: "Home for the Holidays" as sung by the Fort Wayne Youth Chorale in 2005.
Third: "Anything is Possible" by ZOEgirl
Fourth: "Rooftops" by Landon Pigg
Fifth: "Theme from 'Mission Impossible."
Sixth: "Vincent" by Josh Groban
Seventh: "Here We Come A-Caroling" from a CD I got at Goodwill
Eighth: "Because of Your Love" by Phil Wickham
Ninth: "Angels" by Owl City
Tenth: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" as sung by Rascal Flatts.

3. "Bullet your whole day."

woke up around 7:15
got ready for work (prepared lunch, got dressed, etc.)
rode to work.
filled orders.
ate lunch.
sorted makeup
cleaned up
came home
relaxed (while watching "Greek.")
ate Ramen
started making packing lists for school.
took a shower.
and here I am now, writing a post, watching "Greek," thinking about school, getting ready for a mad cleaning/packing dash. or some reheated lasagna.

And now I'm caught up. I think.

"A Moment You Felt The Most Satisfied With Your Life."

2011-07-30T20:40:00.000-04:00

I didn't post yesterday, so I'll do two in one.

I don't ever want to be satisfied with my life.
If I'm satisfied, I'll settle.
If I settle, I won't grow.
If I don't grow, I'm not doing my job as a Christ-follower.

"How You Hope Your Future Will Be Like."

Reasonably happy, but difficult enough that I won't be able to convince myself that I can go it alone.
I need to know that I need God's help.

I want to get married and have kids.
I want to glorify God in those relationships.

I want to do something that matters.
And it doesn't have to be a big, bold, travel to a closed country thing that matters.
It needs to matter to one person.

I want to drive a minivan.

I want to love and be loved.

"Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality."

2011-07-28T23:35:00.002-04:00

I'm an Aries.

And I don't care.

That's all.

"Write 30 Interesting Facts About Yourself."

2011-07-28T00:31:00.000-04:00

1. My idea of "interesting" is different from that of most people I meet.

2. My eyes are my favorite of my physical features.

3. I often say "and now it's time for Story Time With Hope."
3a. I then proceed to tell a story that has some kind of meaning.

4. I have long toes that fit together like pieces of a puzzle.

5. Ugly feet are a dealbreaker for me.

6. I thoroughly enjoy making strange faces.

7. I have a love-hate relationship with facebook. I've written about it before.

8. I had a sister who would turn 22 tomorrow.
8a. She died 22 years and five weeks ago.

9. I don't like people to touch my feet or legs, abdomen, or face. Really, I don't like people to touch me without warning. Like, sudden hugs from behind. Not a fan.

10. I stand on my toes when I'm in my kitchen.

11. There were times when I wanted to be a baker because it would be an easy way to make a man fall in love with me.

12. I am addicted to media. I can't even write a whole blog post without checking facebook or twitter or what's new on hulu. Seriously.

13. I work in a warehouse for less than $1/hour. And, most days, that's fine with me.

14. I think that I want to be 26 when I get married.

15. I love coffee shops because they are a gathering place for people who are really the same.

16. I am afraid of failure and rejection.

17. I like Adam Young as a person more than as a musician.
(Although I do love his music.)

18. I crave attention, but won't go out of my way to get it.

19. I can play about seven chords on a ukulele.

20. I rarely apply myself to anything that I do. So I'm often mediocre.

21. My memory is strange. I remember moments from when I was four, but forget what I ate for lunch.

22. Sometimes I forget to eat.

23. I want to live in another country for a few months. Just to live there. Not to study.

24. I like big cities or small towns. That's why I don't really like Fort Wayne.

25. I want to have twins, a boy and a girl. I have names picked out for them.

26. I like to knit. I'm working on making a blanket right now.

27. We don't have cable. The only channels I really wish we had are Food Network and TLC.

28. I like puzzles and mazes and logic.

29. I have never finished a Sudoku.

30. I had an incredible conversation about theology, philosophy, and morality with a complete stranger at Higher Grounds tonight.

"A Time You Thought About Ending Your Own Life."

2011-07-26T23:12:00.000-04:00

I don't think about ending my own life.

I think about how my life might end.
I think about terminal illness, horrible car wrecks, getting stabbed by a home invader.

But I don't want to end my own life.
That's not my job.

That's all for tonight.

Tomorrow will be better.

"Your views on religion."

2011-07-25T23:51:00.000-04:00

This is a weird question.

And I don't really want to answer it, but I'll try.

I don't want to tell you what I believe.

So here's the deal.
The word "religion" makes it sound like it's all about legalism and rituals and insincerity.
And I don't like that.

And yeah, I believe that Jesus is the only way to Heaven.

That's all for today.

"Your views on drugs and alcohol."

2011-07-23T23:46:00.000-04:00

I like caffeine.
Okay, I'm addicted to caffeine.
My body requires a certain amount each day, or I end up with a headache.

Medicines:
("All medicines are drugs, but not all drugs are medicines.")
I don't take over-the-counter pain relievers (Tylenol, ibuprofen, etc.) unless I have a true migraine or am too irritable to deal with whatever pain I'm feeling.
But that's more about my own pride than about being opposed to medication.
I am not opposed to chemotherapy or epidurals or Vicodin.
I hate that pain and death and disease exist.
I believe that the medications that can prevent or cure disease are gifts from God.
But they should be used responsibly. Antibiotics should be prescribed carefully. And they should be taken as directed in order to prevent those terrifying superbugs that we hear about.

Other drugs (illegal drugs):
Not for me.
I like to be in control of my mind and emotions.
And I wish that everyone felt that way, but I know that it is sometimes easier to turn to substances.
If these substances were less addictive, if they were less controlling, if they were less gripping of the lives of those who use them, I might be more positive.
But I have seen how lives are ruined, how families are torn apart, how children are left broken-hearted as a result of illegal drugs.
And I am not okay with that.

Alcohol:
This one is a bit of a grey area for me.
I was in the UK two months ago, where the consumption of alcohol is legal for those over the age of 18.
If I had been willing to break the Community Life Covenant I signed with Bethel, not to mention my parents' trust, I would have tried it.
But that would have left me with two years of waiting for another drink.
I don't know how I would feel about that, and it has bothered me since.
I have been in situations in which I could easily take a drink, and I am tempted.
I will wait. I have to wait until I graduate, unless my parents allow it before then.
I turn 21 on Good Friday next year.
It's a good thing I have a bad attitude about the way most people approach Christian holidays.
(But that's another post.)
I am opposed to drunkenness, not drinking.

Umm...yeah. That's what I've got.
I know there are some holes in this post.
They can probably be explained, but I'm tired.

"Where you'd like to be in 10 years."

2011-07-22T13:43:00.000-04:00

Portland, Oregon.

The Hopeful Epicurean.
Certified in all the necessary ways to own a bakery/coffee shop/community outreach center.

Married.
Pregnant.

Just the right amount of stress.

Part owner of a lake house.
Excited for the time that I will spend there with my best friends and their families.

Involved in a church.

Or maybe I want to be in Jamaica.
Or China.
Or England.
Or Australia.

But the rest still applies.
Except for the lake house, maybe, because that would be difficult from thousands of miles away.

Really, though, I want to be exactly where God wants me to be.

"Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is."

2011-07-22T00:50:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm single.
That is what God has for me right now.
Or, He's waiting for me to take a step.

You see, I don't want to be single.
There is a guy I know.
And I like like him.
And not for who I want him to be, but for who I know him to be.
This is a big deal.

My dad was the first person to know.
And I told him when we arrived at our hotel after visiting the cemetery where many of my ancestors, including my grandfather, are buried.
(My parents got engaged after a visit to that same cemetery, so I thought it was a good time to tell him.)

I've been telling God about this all summer and, as far as I can tell, He hasn't given me any clear answers.
Last week's sermon included a point about taking steps in the direction of our prayers.
So I've been wondering about that this week, because I often want to sit this guy down and say "here's the deal. I like you. I don't care what you want to do with that, but you need to know."
I wonder if that's all it would take, if that would be the beginning of our "happily ever after."
Or if it would be the ending of what might turn out to be a silly crush.
I don't know and I'm confused and impatient.

Do I wait for him to pursue me?
Because that's how it's "supposed to be," the guy chasing the girl?
I won't do it for the sake of tradition.
I just don't know what to do, and it's leaving me feeling unsettled.

Before this summer, the single life had its ups and downs.
I'd be really happy being single, and then I'd be mad about it.
I'd get super jealous of those couples who'd flaunt their couple-ness.
I wanted date nights for the sake of having date nights.
And then I thought about how difficult it is to be in a relationship.
It's not always cute and cuddly. It's not supposed to be.
It's work, and sometimes the mere thought of having to work like that just wears me out.

Now I want a certain person to ask me out to dinner, or even to dance.
(See what I did there, Owl City fans?)
I've wanted a reason to dress to impress, not that he'd care.
(But I know he'd notice.)

So, I'm single.
I'm not super happy about it.

And my lips are sealed.

Can I commit?

2011-07-20T16:51:00.000-04:00

Two years ago, I graduated with Janelle Hoering.
In April, she became Janelle Delagrange.
Next March, she will be Mom.

I don't think that we have ever actually spoken, but we're facebook friends.
And I read her blog sometimes.
Because mrs. delagrange has words.

Janelle is the first person with whom I graduated whose marriage and pregnancy I can respect.
Mostly because it was done in the correct order,
but also because she and her husband believe for the same reasons that I do that there is a correct order for such things.
And because I know that, even though it wasn't necessarily what they had planned, they are trusting God in every step of their journey.

A couple months ago, Janelle started a daily blog.
It was like one of those "Take a picture every day for fifty days" kind of list things.
30 days.

Day 01 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10 years.Day 03 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.Day 04 – Your views on religion.Day 05 – A time you thought about ending your own life.Day 06 – Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.Day 07 – Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.Day 08 – A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.Day 09 – How you hope your future will be like.Day 10 – Discuss your first love.Day 11 – Put your iPod on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that pop up.Day 12 – Bullet your whole day.Day 13 – Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.Day 14 – Your earliest memory.Day 15 – Your favorite Tumblrs.Day 16 – Your views on mainstream music.Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past year.Day 18 – Your beliefs.Day 19 – Disrespecting your parents.Day 20 – How important you think education is.Day 21 – One of your favorite shows.Day 22 – How have you changed in the past 2 years?Day 23 – Something you’d like to learn.Day 24 – Your favorite movie and what it’s about.Day 25 – Someone who fascinates you and why.Day 26 – What kind of person attracts you.Day 27 – A problem that you have had.Day 28 – Something that you miss.Day 29 – Goals for the next 30 days.Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this month.

I'm going to start this tomorrow. And by the time I'm done, I'll be almost ready to go back to school.
Maybe I'll feel like I accomplished something this summer.

P.S. I just started reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan.
I'm really excited about it.

I feel like somebody's mother.

2011-06-10T18:25:00.001-04:00

Dear Grabill Missionary Church graduating class of 2011,

Eleven years. That’s how long we attended First Missionary Church. In that time I met a lot of awesome people, but it wasn’t until our last few months that I made real connections. And then we left and I can count on my two hands the number of people from that church with whom I’ve had real conversations in the past three and a half years. And I can count on one hand the number of people in my age group who displayed real spiritual growth in the entire time we were there.

I was halfway through my junior year of high school when we came to Grabill. Y’all were freshmen. You didn’t know what you were going to do with your lives, you didn’t know much about yourselves or about each other. But, for some reason, I became friends with you. I was closer with people from your class than I was with my own class. I ended up with more male friends than female friends in the youth group, and that worked for us.

During that first summer, I was still trying to figure out my place in youth group. I wasn’t very outgoing or talkative; I have always been pretty content with doing my own thing. And not having my driver’s license really limited my options. But I did my best, and we laid some pretty solid foundations for friendship, including the discovery of the softness of my chin.

Over the next school year, I think we all did a lot of growing up. I was totally over being in high school, especially since I knew that I was going to Bethel. But that was the story of almost my entire class.

And then summer came again, and it was wonderful. Between the best CDYC ever and an incredible mission trip, plus extra hanging out, I got to know your class and the class of 2012. The summer of 2009 was one of the best summers I’ve ever had. Serious conversations were had, walls came down, God worked like crazy.

In August, I went off to college and you became juniors. You were as old as I was when we met. That in itself was just plain strange to me. And you guys had to learn how to be leaders, since there were only a few guys in the class of 2010 who were around regularly. It was very cool to hear about the ways that y’all were stepping up in youth group.

Summer rolled around again, and I only spent time with a few of you. But that was a lot of really good time. Laughter, advice, arguments, music, car rides, “just lunch,” Starbucks, surprise visits to the hospital, painting, movies, driving, and the list goes on.

And then, all of a sudden, “my freshmen” were seniors. I was not ready for that. But I think you were, and you have blown me away with how much you have grown in the past three and a half years. Your hearts for God and your love for His children are so cool to see. It has been a year of ups and downs for a few of you, but I have seen how that has made you stronger. God is begging you to draw near to Him. No matter how well you think you can do it on your own, complete surrender is the only hope. There is no place for fear when you are in God’s perfect love, so stop being afraid to let go. You will have to make sacrifices, but they will be rewarded in ways that you never imagined. Seriously. I know this one.

Three months. That’s how long you have until school starts for most of you. That is not much time, but don’t feel pressure. Enjoy the fact that you made it through some of the craziest years of your life. Enjoy the fact that you don’t really need to remember the things that you just tests over, because you’ll re-learn it all in your college courses. Enjoy the fact that it’s freaking summer and you are high school graduates.

People are going to ask you a ton of questions about how you feel about being done with high school and how you feel about going to school. You will have to tell everyone about six times where you’re going and what you’re studying. They’ll ask you what you plan to do after you graduate. They’ll give advice about sleeping and relationships and how it all won’t really matter unless you (fill-in-the-blank). I sit two years beyond your experience, wishing I had actually listened to some of what they said to me. I spent much of my first two years of school hiding in my dorm room. I haven’t made a lot of solid friendships. I haven’t put much effort into it. Don’t be like me. Don’t be satisfied with the life you have right now.

For those of you who are going away, it’s going to take some effort if you want to maintain your friendships from home. But it’s possible. My best friends are still the ones I’ve had for years. Those of you who are staying in town have just as much potential to make new friends as the rest of us. It’s just going to take more effort. It’s worth it, though. Your classmates are just like our classmates, they just don’t live down the hall. So hang out with them. Otherwise, you can very easily slip into some crazy loneliness, and that’s no fun for anyone.

And get plugged into Next Level. It’s a great group of people who are so ready to welcome you and encourage you and befriend you. That goes for everyone. I would have been pretty lost last summer if it hadn’t been for that group of people. Come join us on Thursdays at 7 in the Youth Basement. All summer.

And when school starts, remember the things that Pastor Bill said on Graduation Sunday. If you missed it, you can listen by clicking on this whole sentence. (I recommend this.)
Sometimes, grades do matter. If you’re going to grad school or to get a really competitive job, your GPA will have an effect on what happens. Learn how to balance the areas of your life. You won’t be able to do it all, but you can do a lot.

I love you guys. I can’t believe you’re so old. This year will be just like it was when I came to GMC; I’ll be a junior, you’ll be freshmen. But it will be nothing like it was then, because we are different. I’ll see some of you every day, and the rest of you almost none at all. (Please come visit us at Bethel. I’ll make food for you in my kitchen.)

I’m proud of you. I’m so excited for what God has done in your lives in the past three and a half years, and what He has planned for the next three and a half years. Let Him.

Love,

Hope

on redirection and dreams.

2011-04-12T21:51:00.000-04:00

Tonight in Lifespan Development, Ted showed us a couple videos from Britain's Got Talent.
One of the clips was Shaheen Jafargholi's audition. If you choose not to watch the video, and I hope you do, let me describe it. Shaheen comes onstage planning to sing "Valerie" as sung by Amy Winehouse. (It was one of the songs that they sang on "Glee" at the first competition this season. Santana sang the solo.) He starts out wonderfully. Clearly, this kid is good. But before he can get very far, Simon stops him. Devastation. I can only imagine how crushed Shaheen felt. Simon asks if he has something else prepared. Michael Jackson. He rocks an M.J. song. All he needed was some redirection.

Ted was super preachy tonight, so he talked about how God sometimes redirects our passions.

Yep, that has been happening in my life.
Last January, I wrote about the woman I thought I wanted to be. Because of my love for baking and making people happy, and my desire to get married, I gave up some passion. Looking back, the life that I wanted to live was not a very good life, nor was it really what God was calling me to.

Last Sunday, Pastor Jay talked about idols and challenged us to write down something that God was calling us to give up. I had been trying for so long to give up my desire to find out who my future husband is. I wrote that down and put it in the flowerpots at the front. I prayed so hard. That was true repentance. And it was only by the grace of God.

Since then, God has been so good. For the past couple of months, my dream was to the wife in a husband-and-wife music team. This, of course, depended on my husband being a musician. And that wasn't going to work.

So.

The Hopeful Epicurean.
That is the name of my bakery/coffee shop.
This summer begins my at-home training and recipe development. And, I hope, the start of sales.

I have a new dream that doesn't depend on having a husband.
It only depends on God. And that is a wonderful place to finally be.

the feet that saved my life

2011-04-09T19:26:00.000-04:00

I started writing this post about a year ago, but never got around to finishing and posting it. So here we go.

Last night I had to do an assignment for Perspectives in Fine Arts about Michelangelo's Pieta. The Pieta is a sculpture depicting Mary, the mother of Jesus, holding her son after the Crucifixion.
I was feeling pretty lazy and didn't want to go to the library to actually look through the book, so I just looked online. Much of the conversation I found had to do with the young face of Mary. She does not look to be the mother of a man who had lived for over 30 years, even if she was only 12 years old when he was born.
I thought that maybe I could just choose a photo of a front view and talk about several aspects of the sculpture. But I decided that it would be a good idea to actually look through the book.
I stood at the desk at the library and went through page by page. Nothing jumped out at me until I got to page 63: photos of Jesus' feet. I was reminded of a picture my dad took of his own feet underwater a couple summers ago. It was on his desk and I asked him why. He said that it was a reminder that he wasn't the one who walked on water.
These pictures were of marble representations of the feet that walked on water, the feet that were washed with tears and perfume, the feet that were rough and calloused from walking all day, the feet that first felt the cool night air in a cave in Bethlehem.
The sculpted feet bear the marks of our sin. Michelangelo did not neglect to show the wounds on my Savior's feet, the wounds that I caused. The wounds that meant that my feet could remain whole.
These were the beautiful feet that saved my life.

Through cloud and sunshine...

2011-03-21T16:25:00.000-04:00

Last night we had a choir concert in Osceola. I struggled to engage with the music for most of the program. I've been in a funk for the past few days, and it has affected everything from basic neurological function to my ability to keep from crying. Part of the problem is a lack of sleep, sure.

However, there is something deeper.

Two Tuesdays ago I had an interview for an RA job next year.
Last Tuesday I had an interview for an internship this summer.
Last Tuesday I also auditioned for Voices of Triumph, an a capella ensemble.

The first interview went very well. I left feeling confident, and had affirmation from several friends and acquaintances that I would be a great RA. I wanted this job not just because it's a job, but because an RA does everything that I have been equipped for.

Before the interview last week, I prayed that God would help me to speak clearly. As I listened to the questions and tried to answer them, I wasn't speaking what I really felt. I was giving the answers that I thought were true and that sounded good. After I hung up the phone, I realized that God had not helped me to speak clearly. I knew, and have always known, that His way is the best. I wasn't sure what to think about the situation. I had felt pretty confident about it for the past couple of months, but for the next two days, I just waited.

The VOT audition was half awesome and half terrible. The solo piece was great. I sounded, to my own hearing, wonderful. The sightreading, something that I have been doing for years and was good at, was an absolute train wreck. I really don't know how else to describe it. It was a humiliating experience, and I was angry with myself because I should have done very well. But I haven't had to work on it for the past couple of years and didn't make much of an effort to prepare.

Wednesday: Looked at the VOT list and saw that my name was not on it. But those who did will make it an amazing ensemble. I'm just fine with it, and I say that without a trace of insincerity, bitterness, or sarcasm. But there were tears. I sat in a practice room for a while, and a friend of mine came in and asked how I was doing. I started crying. He knew what was going on and gave me words of encouragement. That is what he always does, and I am so thankful for his presence in my life. More crying.

Thursday: Checked email and found out that I did not get the internship. I had been depending on it for so long, and now I feel lost as to what I will be doing this summer. (If anyone knows of a job, please let me know. Something with youth, music, and Jesus would be ideal.) But, as I have thought more about it, it would not have been a good fit this year. I'm too close. I talked to both of my parents on the phone, and then wandered around aimlessly for a while. I ended up running into a guy who gave me a hug and then made me laugh. It was exactly what I needed.

Friday: Opened my mailbox to see a letter that told me that I'm an alternate RA. If someone quits, I will be considered. I'm just confused about this, so I'm trying not to think about it. Because I don't know what to think or feel, I don't know how to talk about it, so I haven't been able to process it out loud. I have been thinking about housing for next year, and I will do so as though I do not have the job. Jamie and I were just talking about how excited we are about the potential roommates that we've been to. It will be a great situation if it works out.

And so I'm just very uncertain about my life right now. I know that it is in God's hands and that He has a plan and that He will reveal it to me. I just feel like a trapdoor opened under my feet and left me with nothing to hold on to. All of what I thought was in my future is now gone.

This was a day of many tears.

The closing song for our choir program this semester is "Abide With Me." The last verse that we sing is "Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes. Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies. Heaven's morning breaks and earth's vain shadows flee. In life, in death, abide with me."
It was as we sang these words that I finally had a moment of clarity. God shone through the gloom of my life and reminded me that He is holding my right and and that I have no reason to fear.

Let it be known that I have no hard feelings toward any of the people involved in making the various decisions in the past couple of weeks. I say this with complete sincerity and peace in my heart. God is good.

20 till I'm 20.

2011-03-16T17:05:00.000-04:00

I have been counting down to my birthday this year.

Not so much because it's my birthday, but because my aunt invited me to a concert.

You see, five years after I was born, she had a daughter, my first younger cousin.

Several years after that, my brother began to work for The Ready Set, and it became a family affair.

The Ready Set is currently headlining the Glamour Kills Tour, and on April 6, the tour arrives in Chicago.

That is the concert to which I was invited, and which I will attend.

It is in 20 days.

I decided a few weeks ago that I should start to make a bigger deal about my birthdays.

No, I'm not going to announce loudly every day that it's "TWENTY DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!" "NOW IT'S NINETEEN DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!" "EVERYONE CELEBRATE ME SO MUCH ON APRIL 6 BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY DAY I MATTER." Oh wait. That's exactly why I hate birthdays.

Anyway, I'm going to do something special on each of the days between now and my birthday. Today I will repaint my fingernails and toenails, and make a couple pairs of earrings.

Vespers tonight.

Tomorrow, Rachelle and I are going to Stone's Old Fashioned Donuts for breakfast.

And there are daffodils waiting for me, because someone decided to brighten my day.

Tomorrow will also be a significant day, because a lot of questions will be answered in regards to some of the things I will be doing for the next year.

There are plans for Friday, but I won't write about them.

And that's as far as I've gotten. I'll write some more as things happen.

sundress and skinny tie.

2011-03-15T22:15:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I find I can sit and watch
I can laugh and talk and dream.
I can picture a future of us together
Doing what we both love.

But "sometimes" is just not enough
When I can see the rest of our lives.

Childish daydreams got the best of me
When I saw you that first night.
I'd heard stories and thought "hmm...maybe."
And then you looked at me with those eyes.

And I fell in love with the idea
And now I'm falling in love with you.
But "sometimes" is just not enough,
When I can see the rest of our lives.

A sundress and a skinny tie,
Dancing to our favorite songs.
Saying "yes" to forever.
I'll be yours and you'll be mine.

And I over-think
And my imagination runs wild
And I've tried so hard
To hide all the words I've held inside.

Since I fell in love with the idea
And started falling in love with you.
But "sometimes" is just not enough,
When I can see the rest of our lives.

Every day we can sit and watch
And we can talk and sing and play.
If there's a future for us together,
Maybe we should start today.

be intentional.

2011-02-24T00:17:00.000-05:00

I've been in conversations lately about life, and a common theme seems to be the importance of being intentional.
I currently have three verbal agreements with people to become better friends. For two of them, I made simple friendship bracelets. The responses were quite different, but the intentionality of the act was noted in both cases. Because I spend time at Sufficient Grounds on Tuesday and Thursday nights, I have time each week to talk to the third new friend. We spend a few minutes a couple times a week catching up on life, and that works for us.

Today I had lunch with yet another friend. The class we usually have after chapel was cancelled for today, so I decided that lunch was a perfect alternative.

During our conversation, we talked about being intentional. We've both recently realized the need to make an effort to build relationships. We're both fairly shy and introverted people, so this doesn't come naturally. It's a learning experience.

As we explored the subject, he brought up the need to be intentional in our relationship with God. If we don't do anything, the relationship won't grow. And we can't come to God on our own terms. I spent way too much time trying to fit God into my life, when what I really needed to do was submit my life wholly to Him. He gave me my life, so what right do I have to try to hold on to any part of it. What happened on our campus a week ago was not of human planning. I did not choose to be prompted very clearly by the Holy Spirit to confess a very personal sin. I could only choose to say "yes." God wants all of us at all times, not just when it is convenient to us. All things are His, all times are His. But He won't always hit us over the head in such a powerful way. We do need to seek Him and His will. We need to practice the spiritual disciplines of prayer, reading Scripture, fasting, silence before God, etc.

We can't expect relationship (and I use that word generally, please do not infer romance) to just happen whether with God or with humans. It takes work. It takes effort. It takes sacrifice. It takes saying "Hey, do you want to have lunch tomorrow?" It takes asking questions and actually listening and offering suggestions and accepting wise counsel. Relationship takes being intentional.

renewal.

2011-02-19T23:26:00.000-05:00

For some individuals, the event that started on Wednesday and is continuing has earned the title "revival."
I do not doubt that this is a well-earned descriptor. There has been spiritual death on this campus, and I believe that some individuals have been and are being brought back to life. For most of the rest of us, this has been a time of renewal. I choose to use this word to describe what is taking place.

For those who don't know what I'm talking about, let me fill you in. Jeff Kling, former Bethel student, shared his testimony of how God healed him and changed his life. Please read Jeff's story here. When he was finished, he wasn't quite sure of how to close the service. Dr. Dennis Engbrecht joined him on stage and said that he didn't know how to close either. I'm pretty sure he asked us to be silent, and invited anyone with a word from the LORD to come up and share it. A few students went to the stage, and dozens went down to the altar. This time of confession continued for over 7 hours. Confession came in two ways: confession of sin, and confession of Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.

I went to the stage. I have known for several months that, if this type of event happened at Bethel during my time there (and I had a feeling it would happen soon), I would have to talk about my battle with masturbation. When I thought about it, I got nervous, but I always knew that I would have perfect peace when it came down to it. A friend of mine got up and talked about how no one ever talks to girls about lust and impure thoughts. I knew at that moment that I could not sit in my seat any longer. I stood up, leaned over to my friend to tell her that I was going to go tell everyone about my life, and walked around the auditorium to join the line of students who were waiting to share. Satan was doing everything he could to get me to sit down. He has always loved to use shame and fear in my life. But the Holy Spirit gave me the peace that cannot be understood. He allowed me to speak clearly and without fear of judgement. When Dennis asked me to pray, I did not have to search for words.

I ended up sitting in the auditorium until 2:40, and then I went to get ready for work. When I got to the office a little before 3, Joye was watching the live feed of chapel. I stood there and watched with her for a while, and then I went upstairs and watched with Erica and Susan for almost two hours. I did some work, but mostly we watched and talked. It was amazing to be able to talk openly with them. I went back to the auditorium around 4:45, and stayed until Dennis closed around 5:30. During the 7 hours, several others, both guys and girls, shared about their struggles with lust and masturbation. Girls have been talking to me about their struggle and their desire to start a small group to talk about freedom. I know that God wants this to happen, and I believe that He is calling me to be a leader.

The Holy Spirit has renewed our faith and our joy. He has answered Lamentations 5:21. He returned to us the "joys that we once had." He has assured us that we do not believe in nothing or for nothing. He has given us a taste of what it will be like to worship Him face to face. He has spoken into our darkness and brought us to light and to life. For some who were lost, this truly is a revival. For those who were slipping away, this is a renewal. For those who were right with God, this is a time of joy and thankfulness and welcoming to the returning brothers and sisters. Meetings have continued to happen for the past couple of days. This is a wonderful thing, but I hope that we are not doing this for the sake of emotion or anything like that. I haven't had that sense, so don't think that I am discouraging meeting together. I know that it is commanded and important. I know that I need to take time on my own to process this, though.

I am thankful to God for pouring out his Spirit and power on our campus. I am thankful for the courage to share something that could have been humiliating for me. I am thankful for the ways that I have seen Him work in the lives of friends and strangers. I am thankful for the work that He is doing in my family. I am thankful that Spring Break is next week and that I will be able to share this experience with my friends and family.

Now I need to leave SG and go write a paper. Tomorrow starts at 6:30 with Praise and Pancakes. I'm excited.

Glory to God.

I like Tuesdays.

2011-02-15T22:24:00.000-05:00

I get up between 7:00 and 7:30.
I go to my 8:00 class and listen and sometimes talk and sometimes write notes to people and sometimes write out a plan for my life.

Then I go back to my room to clean, just in case we have tours come through. During this time I watch "Greek."

My schedule says that I'm supposed to read my Lifespan Development book. Today, I definitely did that. I spent about four hours studying today. I never study, but I sure needed to.

And it paid off. I felt awesome about that test. I know that I won't get a perfect score, but I will get an A.

Then we started the lecture, and we're in early childhood now. Everyone who expects to be a parent someday should learn this stuff.

After class, I come over to SG to write and read and hang out. It's fun to just be here.

Sidenote: Bad fake British accents annoy me like you wouldn't believe. When the person doesn't realize that it's bad, I feel awful for laughing. When he/she thinks it's good and uses it all the time, that's just pathetic and it really ticks me off. I'm ready to be surrounded by British people. We leave in 83 days.

May 10^th T Fly from Chicago to Heathrow (London)

May 11^th W Drive to Oxford & stay/tour in that area (which includes Stratford)

May 12^th Th Tour Oxford & its area & visit C. S. Lewis home (if possible)

May 13^th F Drive/tour to Winchester area & visit J. Austen home & Win. Cathedral

May 14^th Sa Tour West Country including Stonehenge & Bath

May 15h Su Go to London (drop vans at Heathrow), worship at Westminster & enjoy

a free day seeing London on our own (in small groups!)

May 16^th M Free day in London (Globe Theater a possibility today or later in week)

May 17^th T Join EF “The British Isles” tour

May 18

- London May 19 London

   Take a guided tour of London:
   Big Ben and Houses of Parliament   Piccadilly Circus   St. Paul’s Cathedral
   Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace (if scheduled)   Take a guided excursion to Windsor
   Attend an evening theater performance

May 20 London

Enjoy free time in London

May 21 Oxford • Stratford

   Take a guided tour of Oxford
   Visit New College
   Take a guided tour of Stratford
   Visit Shakespeare’s birthplace

May 22 York

Visit Warwick Castle
Travel to York

May 23 Edinburgh

Travel to Edinburgh via Hadrian’s Wall at Housesteads
Visit Housesteads Fort and Museum

May 24 Edinburgh

   Take a guided tour of Edinburgh:
   New Town   Calton Hill
   Holyroodhouse   Visit Edinburgh Castle
   Enjoy a free afternoon in Edinburgh
   Optional: Literary Walking Tour

May 24^th T Fly from Edinburgh to Chicago (& return to BC)

This might change a little. Hamlet and All's Well That Ends Well are playing at The Globe this season.

"We Will Rock You" is playing at The West End. (And the rights aren't available in the States anymore.)

I will spend a lot of money. And I will take a lot of pictures. If I have internet access (and I probably will) I will write to you, my readers.

That was a long sidenote.

I have homework to do tonight.

I need to figure out chords and an arrangement for the Alma Mater.

But this break that I take is nice.

It's Pilot Olymipics week! (The shirts were printed incorrectly last year and we decided to embrace it.)

The events have been running smoothly as far as I can tell.

Battle of the Bands is Friday night at 7:00. Come on out and support Release II, Scout and the Finches, Dukes of Argyll, and Trash the Dress! These bands are all very different and very talented. I'm pumped to see how the audience enjoys them and votes. I'm also pumped to perform and to sit on a panel of "judges." I'm glad the audience decides the winner. I wouldn't be able to.

I'm going to get kicked out of this place pretty soon, so I'll wrap this up.

Life is confusing right now, but only because I keep deciding that it should be.

Alma Mater, prepare to be destroyed by my version of punk-rock.

On a piano. (Don't worry, it will be on an electric guitar for Friday.)

I was not expecting that.

2011-02-08T21:43:00.000-05:00

Tonight in Lifespan Development, Ted showed us a video that honored the life of Eliot Mooney. Eliot's parents found out that he had Trisomy 18.

Nine seconds into this video, I knew that I was not going to make it to the end without crying. And I did not expect that to happen when I walked into class.

If you are a frequent reader of my blog, you know that I have posted more than once about my sister. Rather than explain the story, which will bring me to tears once again, I will just post the links.

Most recently: Sept. 1 (Last year.)
Last March: Marilynn Ham and my sister

For a long time, I've felt very alone in this situation. I have never talked to my brother about it, and I've only known one other person who had a sibling with Trisomy 18. I have done enough research to know that it's not that uncommon, but I haven't known many people who are willing to talk about it. So I've felt stuck in my struggle with grief and confusion.

As the video went on, and the narrator told Eliot how old he was, I began to get jealous. He lived for 99 days. Over 3 months. My parents got five weeks. I sat in class and was angry with these parents, with that child, and with God, for giving them so much more time.

Then, as Eliot's death was announced (and I knew it would be, because I know the disease), and the narrator described the way God had worked and how we are only separated by the rest of our earthly lives, I realized that my jealousy and anger were completely ridiculous.
I had no reason to have those feelings. This family went through exactly what my family went through. And Eliot and Kate and all of the other babies who have died of Trisomy 18 are all together with Jesus. And all their parents can't wait to see them again. And many of them have younger siblings like me, who wish they had known them and who will run to meet them when they are at last united in Eternity. Maybe I'm stepping on some theological toes here, but I want to believe that we'll all have a big gathering at some point, all of us who have been affected by this disease. But I know that if that doesn't happen, it won't matter, because everything will be perfect anyway.

I am not alone in these circumstances. I can no longer live as a lonely victim.

I learned a profound lesson in 6 minutes and 11 seconds.

I was not expecting that when I walked into class tonight.
But I'm very glad that it happened.

another writing night at SG.

2011-01-21T22:07:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting at my wobbly table. The chair is secure for once.
I'm watching my drink be made incorrectly. The person making it doesn't know that creme de menthe is what a person means when she says "mint." If she wanted peppermint, that's what she would have asked for.
So I'm getting a peppermint mocha instead of a mint mocha.
And I'm okay with that.

I love sitting at this table. If you're a regular reader, you probably know that.
I've got some things to say, so I'll just jump right in.

First: I have a confession to make.
I have spent the past few months thinking I was in some kind of love.
There's this guy I know. He's awesome. We are so much the same that it's scary. I won't go into detail here, because it would be pretty easy to figure out who I'm talking about, but just know that he's great and I love being friends with him.
The more I thought about him and thought about our similarities, the more I thought that maybe we could end up together. I got so consumed with this idea that I stopped actually thinking about the guy.
Last week, there was an awesome coincidence and I was so sure that it meant that we're supposed to be together. It drove me crazy all weekend, because I was gone and I couldn't talk to him. Let's be real. I couldn't talk to him anyway. How do you even start that conversation? "Um, hey [you]. I think we should date. We're probably going to get married, so let's start here." No. Not going to happen. Instead, I talked to the girls I was sharing a room with. I covered the whole "boy situation" in my life with them. And they told me that I was over-analyzing it. True. In the Olymipics (yep, I meant that) of over-analyzing, I would take the top spot, no competition. But I couldn't help it. In the past few days, though, I've thought more about it. And I've been thinking rationally. I know this guy reasonably well, but we don't hang out as much as it takes to make this kind of decision. I love the person that I have invented and tailored to my picture of a perfect future. I saw what I wanted to see and I pretended that that was okay. It's not. I have been so unfair to this amazing guy for so long. Not cool.
I'm not sure whether I'll talk to him about it. I know that I probably should. I mean, a post about it without a conversation and real, personal confession? That's pretty lame. But I'm good at that.

Second: I'm figuring out that part of why I have the tendency to fall in love with ideas is that I don't enjoy accepting certain part of reality. I want so badly to be 25 and madly in love. I want to have a job that I love. I want to be more pretty and more talented and more friendly and more funny and more outgoing and more and more and more. I want to be the girl that always gets the "look back." Not because he wants to check me out, but because he doesn't really want to walk away. I want the romantic comedy love story, but without all the gratuitous sex that is too often mistaken for love and having something in common, and without the tragic break up over something that is actually significant, followed by more sex that obviously means true love. But I guess that's what romantic comedy love stories are all about. I think I just want the speed and ease of it all. I don't want the cliche romantic gestures just because the guy thinks I want them. I want them because he knows who I am and does things because he knows I will love and appreciate them. I want a guy who won't get offended when I'm honest with him, which means that he will also be a guy with whom I can be honest. I'm not going to pretend to be more girly or more spiritual or more anything just because I think that's what a guy wants. I don't care what the average guy wants, because I don't want the average guy. I want the guy whom I can love unselfishly. I want to be loved unselfishly. And I don't think that that's too much to ask, because I know that I serve a powerful God who can do anything. And I'm pretty sure that He wants mutual, unselfish love in all of our relationships. That's the model He gives us. But for some reason, the things that I want and my thought patterns don't line up. Human condition. Something that I don't actually have to be stuck with. Something that God is reminding me to let go of. He has plans for my future, and they are good plans. But they are for the future. The time that I'm living in right now is the future He had for me years ago, and I need to live fully in the present. The more I look ahead, the more I will miss today.

Third: I want to do music with my life. It's what I believe I was created to do. I am not a music major. I will not become a music major. I will take at least 12 credit hours of music prefix classes, but I don't need a degree in music. I love my Liberal Studies major. I am getting a great education and I will graduate with options, if I should decide to pursue a career in anything else. But music is all I can see myself doing. I've said before that JJ Heller has my dream job. Sarah and Andrew Lawrence reminded me that I should not require a guy to play guitar before I meet him. Fine. I'm not promised the life that JJ and Dave have. But I do think that any career I have in music will be some kind of partnership with my husband.

Well, I could keep talking about this for a long time. But Friday Night Fire starts in 25 minutes and I want to get to Shiloh a little early.
Thanks for reading. I'm totally no offended if you laughed at my immature behavior. I have a lot of learning to do.

writing songs.

2011-01-20T21:36:00.001-05:00

I have finished and performed two original songs over the past two years.
One of the requirements for Battle of the Bands that we're having in February is an original song.
I decided that I wanted to write a new one.
This decision came after an awesome weekend at conVERGE 2011, a student leadership conference for juniors and seniors in high school. (I was running a table for TOMS Shoes.)
I learned so much about God's unconditional love and His incomprehensible power and His unbreakable promises.
And that's what I wanted to write about.

But I kept getting distracted by the image of a certain someone's (and I refuse to publicly confess who) amazing eyes. They're a bright, piercing blue. I always get the sense that he can totally see into who I am. I've been around him a lot lately and it's driving me crazy. And he's a good looking guy even when you ignore the eyes (like that's possible) and he's funny and generally awesome, and I can't talk to him like the intelligent, articulate, normal person that I am. I am not accustomed to acting like a fool. I usually bring my A Game to this type of situation, even when I don't mean to. Don't get me wrong, I'm not falling all over myself. I'm just more quiet than usual when it comes down to times with potential for having real conversations.
So I'm sitting at the piano in a practice room, trying to get his face out of my head. This was a difficult few minutes. I even started a song about him. I know that when it gets to that point, and he has no idea, I have reached a very low point.

With great effort and discipline, I pushed those eyes out of my head. The unrequited admiration was a waste of time. There is a love that, too often, is ignored. It is an unconditional love. I can't do anything to earn it or to lose it. I cannot be so good that it increases, nor can I be so depraved that it diminishes. This love comes from the One who knows all my faults and fears and mistakes. He is the One who gave me my talents and asks that I offer them back to Him. When I realize the majesty of this love love, this faultless, pure, holy, limitless, powerful, merciful, graceful, joyous love, the only thing I can do is to respond with my life. I have been promised so much by my Great Father. He takes hold of my right hand (Is. 41: 13); He will give me peace in my surrender (Phil. 4:6-7); He has disgraced my enemies; He lavishes His unfailing love. That's amazing.

So I started writing about this. Two of JJ Heller's songs ("What Love Really Means," and "True Things") have been awesome reminders to me lately, and they got the lyrics flowing, but the Spirit had something to say to me and through me, so I can't really take much credit or give it to JJ.

The song isn't finished, but I'm super excited about where it's going. This is part of a verse and the chorus that I have so far.

"You look at me
and You know my faults,
and You know my fears,
and yet You love me.

And it's not because of anything I did
Or any prayer I prayed,

It's just because

You made me who I am
I am a child of God
And nothing else matters.

It means I'm not what I'm doing now,
Or where I'll go tonight.
I'm finding out who I am."

I love how much I am loved. I love that I am loved with a perfect, unconditional love. I love that I can't do anything to change that love. I love the One who loves me.

observations from a week back at school.

2011-01-14T01:58:00.000-05:00

Today marks one full week of being back in classes.
It's weird. I am going to be working hard this semester.
But I'll write about that at another time. This is a list post.

1. Chad Meister speaks like an exaggerated version of Fred Armisen's version of Pres. Obama. I mean that in the best way possible.
2. Taking Philosophy, Sociology, Old Testament, and Psychology at the same time is stretching my brain. In a good and overwhelming way.
3. I miss William Cook. Walking into the Great Room knowing that he won't be there to give me a hug is weird and sad and lonely. And he knows it. (But he's going to totally beast this semester in L.A.)
4. A few hours of awesome fun and good conversation with someone doesn't make that person as much of a friend as you would think.
5. JJ Heller has my dream job. Like you wouldn't believe. That is what I want to do. Making music for Jesus is what I was made to do. Partnering with my husband in doing that lines up exactly with my view of marriage.
6. God is gracious. He held the snow off for (most of) us to get back to school, and then He dropped a couple feet on us so we have to stay here together.
7. The feeling of 3:00am hasn't changed.
8. Just because you didn't really talk to some of your friends last semester doesn't mean they won't leave a whole in your life when they're on the other side of the world. (This is especially for Sarah, Matt, and Calvin.)
9. Sometimes the students on tours will actually ask questions.
10. P90X is working muscles I didn't know I had. My hips have been hurting for two days. I can't do much of anything without pain.
11. Even when you have a pretty clear view of your future, you can't always talk about it. Even though it's all you want to do.
12. Couples are weird. Non-couples are even weirder. Just admit that you're dating already. You're holding hands. You're a couple. Or you're making a huge mistake.
13. Sometimes ignoring someone's presence is the kindest thing you can do. Especially when you spent most of a year in internal conflict over that person.
14. The laundry room is a great place to be in the middle of the night.
15. Being washed whiter than snow is an amazing image. Snow is really, really white.
16. I didn't have a song until You came along.
17. My laundry is finished, I have class in 6 hours, and I will be at Huntington University all weekend. I need to fold my clothes, finish packing, and go to bed.

break.

2010-12-22T02:52:00.000-05:00

This is going to be a weird list. I can't really think of how else to write this one.

1. Got home at 4:00 on Friday.
2. I've slept as much as I didn't sleep during finals week.
3. Last night was the first of Christmas gatherings. It was with my very best friends that will be a part of my life for as long as I can see into my future. I received some delicious Starbucks Caramel coffee and a mini French Press. We laughed our heads off and remembered all the way back to thirteen years ago. It was a beautiful night.
4. I am in the middle of the complete series of "Greek."
5. I'm watching the third series of "Gilmore Girls" thanks to Abigail.
6. I still need to buy all but four of my books for next semester.
7. I have to make finish the logistics for the May Term trip to England.
8. I get to see my mom's family on Christmas Day.
9. I get to see my dad's family a couple days later.
10. MY BROTHER AND SISTER-IN-LAW ARE COMING TO FORT WAYNE AT THE SAME TIME!!
11. The Second Annual New Year's Eve Progressive Dinner is happening, and I will not cut my leg while shaving this year.
12. I will come to the end of the year and I don't think I can cross anything off the list I made on January 2.
13. I'm okay with that.
14. I have been trying to read 1984 for a month. Of course, it's been the month leading up to finals, so I'm not feeling too bad about it.
15. I ended up with a B+ in Math and a B+ in Linguistics, an A in Speech, an A in Choir, and an A in Photography (even though the professor simply did not understand my final project). And I passed Lifelong Physical Awareness and Bowling.
16. I am going to set goals for the Spring semester, and I'm going to accomplish them.
17. I want to be like Lorelai Gilmore when I grow up, except for the failing love life, the bitterness toward my parents, and the teenage pregancy.
18. Lorelai Gilmore is eating takeout Chinese food, and it is making me very hungry.
19. I have stayed up too late for too many nights in a row.
20. I'm waking up at 10:30am.
21. Good night, dear readers.

Christmas List

2010-12-08T23:54:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm going there.

1. external hard drive.
2. Adobe Photoshop Elements 9
3. iTunes gift cards
4. Amazon gift cards (for school books)
5. animals for families in third world and developing countries
6. a trip to Canada for Spring Break (itinerary, people to go with, transportation)
7. printer paper
8. Jelly Bellies
9. root beer and cream soda in glass bottles.
10. the full run of "Lost" on DVD
11. a minivan
12. padded case for a 15"-16" laptop

ummm...yeah.

winter has returned.

2010-12-06T20:44:00.000-05:00

It has been snowing almost non-stop for two days. Sometimes it's almost completely white outside, other times is just a glittery mist, but it just keeps accumulating. And my heart is intermittently happy and disappointed and troubled.

I love snow. I think I always have.
When we lived in Goshen, playing in the snow was one of few activities my brother and I could do together without fighting. He could be the big brother and help me. He was able to build up small hills so we could sled in our front yard. I wanted to be just like him.

Now I appreciate the beauty of snow. In my mind, it's one of God's reminders that life goes on. This year will soon be over, another will begin, spring will come again. The death and darkness must seem victorious for a while, but that will make the new growth and rebirth all the more beautiful. After the seemingly unending winter in Northern Indiana last year, something I had forgotten about in all my years in Fort Wayne, the first glimpse of blue sky, the buds on the trees, the green grass, the return of the birds: they brought smiles to my face like they never did at home. Snow is awesome all on its own, though. It sparkles. It gives countless opportunities for fun and for pranks. It stays on my nose and eyelashes. It's millions of tiny little works of art.

I also find snow very romantic. It makes me lonely. I have spent one Christmas Day in a relationship. It was seventh grade. I wasn't the best girlfriend. I never have been, which is why I'm hesitant to actually get close to guys. He gave me a necklace and some candles for Christmas. We had only been "dating" for a couple weeks, so I wasn't expecting anything. I didn't give him anything. Not for Christmas or for Valentine's Day. He gave me a box of candy for Valentine's Day. He was probably the sweetest, funniest, kindest guy I've ever called my boyfriend. Now he's openly gay. I haven't talked to him in several years, but I think he's doing well.
The last time I was "dating" someone around Christmas, I got bored. I got sick of the guy. I was a jerk. I feel terribly about it. I think both of our lives would be very different if we had stayed together. But we didn't.
Now that it's cold outside and I hear all of the songs about being "snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be," I remember how I walk the snowy sidewalks on my own. No physical arm has ever been there to call my own and hold onto so I wouldn't fall on the ice. I don't want to hear all of the "you don't need a man, girl.," "Who needs men? They're all jerks anyway." or, "God will bring you a guy when it's the right time." (Seriously. If you write a comment like that, I will delete it. It will make me angry. I will dislike you for a while.) I have thought and prayed through all of this. Being single just doesn't seem to be the right thing for me now. Not because I don't like it, but because it just feels weird. It's a weird feeling I've had before. Unsettled, searching for more (not in the wrong places. I have searched and found in the Right Place and I'm not looking to replace that in any way.). I am experiencing a new kind of loneliness that I don't feel is wrong in any way. I just wish I knew some things for sure.

That's where I'm going to stop for tonight.

a second list.

2010-10-10T23:55:00.000-04:00

Items I use every day, but don't really think about or appreciate.

1. Toilet: better than digging a hole.

2. Cups: better than using my hands.

3. Mirror.

4. Pillows and Blankets: I'd be stiff and cold every morning if I didn't have them.

5. Chairs: I love sitting on the floor, but sometimes the floor is too gross for even me.

6. Shoes: have you seen the TOMS videos about foot infections? I get that we have more accessible soap and water in this country, but I care about my foot health. Also, I really like shoes.

7. Trash cans: a great alternative to piles of garbage.

8. Bags, all kinds (purses, grocery bags, back packs, etc.) A person can only carry so much in her hands.

9. Pony tail holders: what else would I use to control my mane? Ribbons don't work well enough, rubber bands only rip my hair out.

10. Glasses/Contact Lenses: I really enjoy being able to see.

a list. the first in a series.

2010-10-07T00:10:00.000-04:00

I just told someone that I was going to sleep. Because I have to be up to work out at 8:00 tomorrow morning.
At least it's the last workout, and I think it's another one with a partner.
It won't be too tragic.

I was wandering around Twitter and Tumblr, and I found a list someone made.
It was 10 things that she loved.

I was thinking the other day that I wanted to make a list of another group of things.
That one will come later.

Tonight, I'm going to share ten things that always make me smile.

1. Seeing an airplane at night.
1.1 Seeing my yellow Styrofoam airplane.

2. "The 12 Days of Christmas (Live)" by Straight No Chaser.
2.1. "Hey Santa!" as performed by Straight No Chaser

3. Remembering the freedom and joy and hope that I have in Jesus Christ.
3.1. Romans 8.

4. Bowling.

5. Sunrises and sunsets. I love that God always has new colors to show us.

6. TOMS shoes: the physical feeling, and the knowledge that I helped someone in need.
6.1 Seeing other people wearing TOMS, especially when we match.

7. The change of seasons: the first yellow leaf, looking out the window to see the first snowflakes, tulips and daffodils, and the beginning of the unbearable heat.

8. Dancing, especially car dancing.

9. Going home for the weekend after being at school for way too long.

10. Not knowing what the future holds, but knowing that God has it all planned out for me.

Okay, so it was actually more than ten.
Plenty of things make me smile.

Now I'm going to try to get about seven hours of sleep.

when did this change happen?

2010-09-29T23:52:00.000-04:00

We used to be friends,

Now I struggle to keep eye contact with you.

And we've resorted to small talk, if anything.

I want us to be friends again.

And then I want us to be more than friends.

I dream about falling in love with you.

And I'm not talking about daydreams.

I'm talking about waking up with an ache in my heart,

Wishing I could go back to sleep.

Tonight, all I wanted to do was to talk to you.

I wanted to tell you all of this.

I wanted that so badly that it made me want to cry.

I miss the way you taught me.

I miss the way God used you to change my life.

I miss how comfortable I was with you.

But it's not quite right.

At least, not right now.

And maybe it will never happen.

But maybe I'll dream of you tonight.

And maybe it will come true.

being me.

2010-09-22T23:36:00.001-04:00

I am not an athlete.
not by any stretch of the imagination.
So when I realized that I had registered for Lifelong Physical Awareness and hadn't really exercised all summer, I was a little freaked out.

During the first workout (9/2), I was regretting my summer laziness.
And I continued to regret it for the next several days.
I could not move without every part of my body crying out in pain.
But during class, I wanted to fit in and work hard and not let anyone down.
I was assuming that everyone was holding a stone, poised to throw it at me if I showed weakness.
(More about that later.)

On the following Tuesday or Wednesday, I rolled over in bed and felt something like a pop in my abdomen.
My abs had been hurting for a week, but this was different.
I was a little concerned.

When I got to class that Thursday, I tried to do a push up, and it felt like something was trying to push its way out of my abdomen.
I was seriously concerned now.
I told Coach Randolph, and, after jokingly asking me whether I was pregnant, he had me walk/run around the perimeter of the gym for the rest of the class.
I did my best.
I walked hard.
I felt it the next day.
The abdominal pain went away sometime over the weekend.

Last week, I had a pain in my neck, I was tired, I was feeling lazy.
I slept through class and worked out on my own time.
And I felt good about it.

Tonight, Dr. Ted Bryant spoke at Vespers.
He talked about how so many people at this college cling to being fake.
We cling to the image we want to create.
We cling to the idea that we must have it all together, and that we don't belong here if we make mistakes.
He dared us to be real.
He told us to try to be ourselves for one week.

He's so right.
I have a Pastor's Kid Complex.
For some reason, I think that everyone is waiting for me to screw up.
And I feel that if I show my flaws, it will reflect poorly on my dad.
I know that the people who would blame my problems on my parents have their own issues.
My mistakes are not my parents' fault.
My faults should not be seen as reflections of my dad's ability to help lead a church.
I know this.

But I have struggled to shake the imaginary pointed fingers and jeering grins.
I keep my mouth shut because I don't want to say anything wrong.
I don't want to look stupid.
I don't want to look weak.
I don't want to look like I don't have it all together.

I have hid behind a facade for the past several years.
Middle school was difficult for me.
I was awkward.
I wore strange outfits.
I didn't like to ask for passes to the bathroom, so I always bled through my pad and had to wear sweatshirts tied around my waist every time I was on my period.
I was a crier.
I tried to fit in and I learned tough lessons.

After I left middle school, I was determined to avoid situations that would give opportunities for ridicule.
This has continued for six years.
I have missed out on so much that has happened around me.
I hate that.

I hate that I assumed such awful things about everyone around me.
I hate that I projected my insecurities onto my friends, my family, my peers and classmates, my teachers, my directors, strangers on the street, and even onto God.
I forgot that He loved me anyway.
I ignored His promises.

But He never did.
He is teaching me more and more about His love.
He is showing me grace, and I am learning how to recognize and accept it.

And when I wake up in the morning, I will go to Lifelong Physical Awareness.
I will wear a yellow tank top, brightly colored plaid shorts, black leggings, and pink and black striped knee-high socks.
And I will be confident.

I am me.
I am discovering the woman I was created to be.
I will not conform any longer to the patterns of this world.

I will gasp for air, I will sit down, I will lag behind the other girls as we run around the gym.
And I will do these things with my head held high.
Because I have no reason to be ashamed.

Good night, readers.

Sept. 1

2010-09-01T23:28:00.000-04:00

It's always a weird day for me.

My body knows what day it is, so it never wants to get out of bed.

Then something awesome happens, so I don't have time to think about what day it is.

A series of wonderful events occurs, and it's almost always a great day.

Until it's night time and I'm alone with time to think about what day it is.

And then I cry.

My sister died twenty-one years ago.

I didn't know her, of course.

If she had lived, I probably wouldn't exist.

But she's still my sister.

She will always be a part of who I am.

One of my biggest fears is that we won't all recognize each other when we get to Heaven.

I don't know all of what the Bible says, or how ambiguous it is about this subject.

I know that we will have resurrection bodies.

I hope and pray and beg that I will know my sister.

I know that if I don't know who she is, it won't matter.

But I want to know her.

I talk to her. I feel a little weird about it.

But I know I'm not the only one who talks to someone who has died.

I don't know whether or not she can hear me.

That's all I have for today.

the emotional pain of my latest piercing.

2010-08-31T23:02:00.000-04:00

On my last night at home before returning to school, I was spending time with my "little brother."
We were walking around the mall and talking about tattoos.
I wanted another one.
I knew it wasn't a god idea, and I knew that my mother would kill me.
But I wanted another one.
Just for the sake of getting another tattoo.
I texted my friend Elizabeth, with whom I was going to be getting ice cream that evening, and asked her if she'd like to join us.
We picked her up and were on our way.
We got to the shop and I signed the paperwork and made a snap decision about what to get.
My internal conflict was a huge hint that being in that place was not a good idea.

As I sat and thought about what I was about to do, I considered my parents.
They would not be pleased with me.
We were all getting used to the ink on my foot, but something new, even in a place they wouldn't see, would mean serious discussion.

You see, I have never been good at keeping secrets from my parents.
I just can't do that.

I ended up deciding against the tattoo.
But I couldn't leave the shop without getting something done.
Pride. That's what it was about.
I opted for a piercing.
I would have loved to get my nose pierced, but I definitely couldn't hide that.
I am against getting my bellybutton pierced, because I sleep on my stomach.
I don't like any kind of lip or eyebrow piercing.
I needed something out of the ordinary.

I chose a spot on my right ear about halfway between my earlobe and my other cartilage piercing.
I knew through the whole process that I was making a mistake.
I was sinning.
I had the wrong attitude about all of it.
I was dishonoring my parents and therefore disobeying God.

But I did it anyway.

Hurt like nobody's business.
Worse than any of my other piercings.
About the same amount of pain as the tattoo, but a wider needle.
And it didn't stop hurting when the guy took his hands away.

I took Evan back to his car, and Liz and I went out to Jefferson Pointe to meet our friend Emily at Coldstone.
My ear was killing me, I was an emotional wreck, I felt ill.
I had just wasted money.

After we got our ice cream and sat and talked for a while, I knew I had to confess.
I changed my facebook status (lame, right?) and called my mom.

When I got home, my parents were not pleased.
We still needed to load the van with all of my school stuff.
(I had been driving it that evening, just like almost every evening all summer.)
I had disobeyed them.

We had a great talk about my attitude.

I chose to keep the earring in as a reminder to not be impulsive.
My ear still hurts and it's been really crusty.
So much so that I took out the hoop today and put in a stud for about an hour.
I put the hoop back in.
It's still healing, so I'm not surprised that it's been gross.
But it's super gross.

Yes, Mom, I'm keeping it clean. :-)

In happier news, I feel much better about the situation that led to my post the other night.

Good night, readers.
You are wonderful.

a blog for blog's sake.

2010-08-27T23:50:00.000-04:00

I haven't really felt like writing lately.
I've started two posts, but haven't really gotten my thoughts straight, so I'm not going to finish them right now.

My first few days of my sophomore year have been pretty good.

Tonight was a little frustrating, because people just don't like to hear tough love.
It seems like no one I know will listen to reason.

We've all been through struggles.
Don't try to make it seem like yours have been worse than mine.
Don't tell me that I don't know what it's like.
Quit projecting. You're the one who's upset. I'm just sick of hearing about it.
You are not excused from turning the other cheek just because you've been slapped twice.
You don't get to lash out just because you were the one with the broken heart.

Just got done with a facebook chat with my mom.
Missing home more than I expected to.
My heart is so raw right now and I'm sitting here sobbing as I type.

Feeling a little lost tonight.
Please pray for me, readers.
I just don't know what to do.

I'm not Linda

2010-07-30T11:51:00.000-04:00

"Grabill Missionary Church, this is Hope."

I'm only here this week, so I can't answer all of your questions.

I can tell you that Kelley Sewell is not here. He's in Belize right now.
And Sarah isn't here either.
I can try to connect you to one of the interns, but their office is in the basement, so I don't even know whether or not they're in the building.

No, Star is out for the rest of the day.
(That's why I answered the phone.)
And Linda isn't here, either.
(That's why I answered the phone.)
Yes, I can schedule you for a time for your directory photo.
There aren't any slots that are completely open, but no one is taking the full 15 minutes, so we can fit you in.

Yes, Jon is here.
He's my dad.
I'm Hope Swanson.

I am not Linda.
I can't give you all of the answers that she could.
And I'm sorry that Star isn't here to help.

Kelley is gone, Sarah is gone, Pastor Bill is gone, Lee is gone, Marsha is gone, Kim is gone, Linda is gone.
Right now, I'm the only person in the building.
I hear noises, and I expect someone to come around the corner, but it's just me.

And now I'm going to lock up and leave.

fingertips on fire.

2010-07-28T22:33:00.000-04:00

I just started to learn/teach myself how to play the guitar. I've been playing the piano for almost 11 years, and I love it. But I figured it was time to be able to play an instrument that's a bit more portable.

A few weeks ago, my dad brought home a guitar. I think it's his. Last week, he had one of our Worship Pastors re-string it. The strings were about three years old and had rusted.

I've learned a few chords in the past week, but tonight I finally decided that I need to get serious about it. So I can play a G, an Em, a C, and a D. In that order. Very slowly. After about ten or twenty minutes, I had to quit.

My fingertips are on fire. The slightest touch causes pain. If you play guitar, I'm sure you know how this feels. It's not fun.

I'm frustrated with the guitar. It doesn't make sense. The piano, that makes sense. Chord progressions are in the same relative locations no matter what the key. On the guitar, it doesn't work that way. You have to change the length of the string to change the note. And you have to build the callouses. And you have to build finger strength. My ring finger is the worst right now.

I'll keep practicing and I'll keep posting about it.

Interlude (Beautiful Wedding)

2010-07-15T00:34:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U2_wtKHL1I

This is a song I wrote last May. I performed it on Sunday at GMC's Music in the Park.

made worthy.

2010-07-12T00:21:00.000-04:00

During our vacation to New Hampshire, I was able to sit outside and look at the stars. I stared at the sky for several minutes, and more and more stars became visible every second.

I once watched an episode of “Curious George,” in which George wanted to count all of the stars. He always fell asleep before he could finish the job. Even when he tried to mark his place using the Big Dipper, he couldn’t do it. There are more stars than anyone could count.

But “He counts the stars and calls them all by name” (Ps. 147:4). He holds them in His hand. And He holds me in His hand. People always talk about how small they feel when they look up at the stars and realize the enormity of the universe. But we don’t need to feel that way. God cherishes His children above everything else He created. “The LORD’s delight is in those who fear Him, those who put their hope in His unfailing love” (Ps. 147:11).

We often come to God and say how unworthy we are. I think that downplays God’s grace. He created us in His own image. He breathed life into mankind and made him “a little lower than God” (Ps. 8:5). Psalm 8 is actually a perfect passage to describe what I’m trying to say. It’s all about how big God is and how small we are and how He values us above everything. David marvels at the wonders of the night sky, just as I did that night.

God is so far beyond anything we could imagine, but He loves us. He made us to be worthy of His love. He chose to send His only son to die for us. It is so completely unfair of us to decide that we did not deserve that sacrifice.

I’m as guilty of this as anyone. I forget how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father. I verbally beat myself so much more than I should. I acknowledge that I’m a sinner and take it to the extreme, thinking myself worse than others.

We are all sinners. No one is better or worse than any other. But we are forgiven and are offered eternal life. It is our job to accept that gift and to live in such a way that is pleasing to God.

“You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” (Phil. 2:5).

he's been a good dog.

2010-07-01T15:44:00.000-04:00

I was five years old when Shiloh came home. We were still living in Goshen.
I hadn't had many good experiences with dogs in my early childhood, so I wasn't an instant fan of the one that was going to live with us. I warmed up to him after a few months, but I never really liked him.

While I was in my early teens, Shiloh would regularly get into my purses and strew their contents throughout the house. I often ranted about how much I hated him.

As I spent more time home alone, I ended up talking to Shiloh about everything. He's always been around.

Until this morning. We decided last Wednesday that the only logical choice would be to put Shiloh to sleep.
He's been deteriorating pretty rapidly for the past couple years. A series of ear infections left him deaf, he was going blind, arthritis in his hips made the stairs in our house difficult, and for the past six months Shiloh has become confused and disoriented. We're leaving tomorrow for a week-long vacation, and the cost of the vaccinations and boarding that would be required wouldn't be worth it. Waiting until August, when I leave for school, wouldn't have been a good idea, so Dad took him in today.

Logic doesn't make it easy, but I'm getting through it. I was a little upset this morning when I left the house. I always say "bye Shiloh" as I walk out the door, and when I realized that I couldn't do that anymore, I was disappointed. Our routines will change, our house will be quieter, our breathing might be easier, and our sleep will be uninterrupted. It was the right choice.

I'm working at my church this week and today is the first day of summer discipleship groups. Three of the girls from the senior high group came in just before 2:00, carrying Starbucks coffee and a box. "We brought something for you." Well, I was expecting the Starbucks, but the contents of the box were a surprise. Last night, the girls had found a kitten outside Ricker's. It was in a cardboard box. The box was marked "FREE." The word was written in lipstick. Sketchy, right? Well, that's the kitten's name. Her voice is hoarse, her teeth and claws are sharp, and she's she was sleeping quietly until the girls came back.

Okay, this is how I'm ending this one. I have to go run an errand.

am I nineteen or thirty-eight?

2010-06-28T10:15:00.000-04:00

I am an Independent Sales Representative for AVON. (You can shop my online store here.)

I drive a white, 1997 Chevrolet Venture. It has a Fort Wayne Select Soccer sticker peeling off of the back window. The driver side window doesn't work.The air conditioning doesn't work.

While I drive said Soccer Mom Van, I often play a CD of Frank Sinatra music. I turn the volume up. I put down the window that works.

Sometimes I play one of my mix CDs. They include music by The Ready Set, Straight No Chaser, Owl City, and Michael Buble, plus a few songs from Glee and Fame. The volume is inappropriately high, and I sing at the top of my lungs (yes, I'm one of those people who sings when she's driving alone).

I totally want to be a soccer mom, and I'll be the proud owner of a Honda Odyssey. For now, I'll just confuse people.

am I twelve or nineteen?

2010-06-26T16:35:00.000-04:00

I recently wrote out a Two Month Plan for getting the guy I like. A friend and I decided that one of our goals for the summer would be to end up with boyfriends, and we would do this by implementing Two Month Plans. Mine is very specific, albeit embarrassing, but easily accomplished.

However, I can’t do any of it if the guy doesn’t cooperate, and it is unfair for me to expect him to take part in my immature crusade. I’m nineteen years old, for crying out loud. I should know by now that these things don’t work. How many teenage romantic comedies have I seen? Answer: enough to know that my attempt will be futile. Oh, I know that the girl always gets the guy or the guy always gets the girl. But that’s the way it is in movies. That’s not real life.

As I place unreasonable expectations on this guy, I place the same expectations on God. Why should He follow my plan? I talk all the time about the importance of the opposite kind of following. Romantic relationships, though, have been my biggest power struggle. I want it to go my way. I have imagined each step of my plan, and it is wonderful. But who am I to decide what our future should be? I am no one. If we are to have a journey together, it will be our journey, not just mine. And if we do it the way we ought, it will be directed by God, not by us.

I must learn how to be content. As much as I want more, I must learn how to be satisfied with a friendship. Most importantly, I must seek God first. If I seek Him above all else, His will will be done. If a romantic relationship is His will for the next two months of my life, that’s awesome. If I’m going to stay single for the next 30 years, I know that He will teach me how to be more completely satisfied by Him.

The first and only item on my Two Month Plan must be to seek God and God alone.

Miracles.

2010-06-26T16:32:00.000-04:00

I’ve been reading through the complete published works of C.S. Lewis this summer, and one of the books I’m working on right now is God in the Dock. It’s a collection of Lewis’ essays, articles, and interviews regarding theology.

In the section titled “Miracles,” Jack points out something excellent: “There is an activity of God displayed throughout creation, a wholesale activity let us say which men refuse to recognize. The miracles done by God incarnate, living as a man in Palestine, perform the very same things as this wholesale activity, but at a different speed and on a smaller scale…God creates the vine and teaches it to draw up water by its roots and, with the aid of the sun, to turn that water into a juice which will ferment and take on certain qualities. Thus every year, from Noah’s time till ours, God turns water into wine…But when Christ at Cana makes water into wine, the mask is off. The miracle has only half its effect if it only convinces us that Christ is God: it will have its full effect if whenever we see a vineyard or drink a glass of wine we remember that here works He who sat at the wedding party in Cana.”

He continues by talking about making “a little corn into much corn” and comparing it to Jesus feeding crowds with just a few loaves of bread and a few fish.

Humans of past ages attributed these activities to gods of wine and Corn Kings. Miracles, however, simply speed up the process. Miracles don’t necessarily defy the laws of nature; they simply defy our understanding of those laws.

I think of Nate Pelz. He was in a huge amount of pain and his life was in danger. The doctors, however, performed surgery and removed the tumor from Nate’s abdomen. The human body can heal itself. Blood clots to protect cuts, blisters form to cover irritated skin, antibodies attack infections. But Nate’s body wasn’t healing quickly, and surgery was the only logical choice in order to save his life. I do believe that God worked a miracle in that operating room, and that Nate is alive (and home) today because of God’s mighty hand. However, I don’t think that God did anything that completely abnormal or inconceivable. God chose to heal Nate through medicine.

I'm not great at conclusions. I never have been. So, this is the end of this post.

"what's the name of his other leg?" and other internet pet peeves.

2010-06-22T23:44:00.001-04:00

1. "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith." -from Disney's "Mary Poppins."
No. You know a man named Smith, who has a wooden leg.
I bet you all thought it was a joke. It's actually a commentary on one of the most frustrating grammatical errors: the misplaced modifier. "A misplaced modifier is a word, phrase, or clause that is improperly separated from the word it modifies / describes." -Margaret L. Benner

Simple fix? Reread what you just wrote. Does it make sense? Because you wrote it and you know what you meant to say, it probably does. So read it again. Make sure the adjective (word or phrase) describes what you want it to describe.
Here's an article from Grammar Girl on the subject.

2. This is a photo of Heather and William. If one of them had put it on facebook, they might have used the caption "Heather and I" or "William and I." This would have driven me crazy. If you can't figure out why, take the "Heather and" or the "William and" away from the rest of the phrase. You are left with "I." This is not an acceptable way of describing the subject of a photo. You would say "me." The correct caption, had either of these two wonderful people put this photo on facebook, would have been "Heather and me" or "William and me."

3. Someone commenting on this photo might think that it's (not its) adorable. He or she (not they) might say "awe! you guys are so cute!" Oh my word. NO! Not that they're not cute. It's just that "awe" means "an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like." (definition from Dictionary.com) The correct spelling of an exclamation of cuteness is "aww." Or "awwwwww." or "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!" The length is up to the writer.

4. If you are going to make a complete sentence out of your facebook status, at least keep your subject/point of view consistent. An example of a bad facebook status: "Hope Elizabeth Swanson is hoping that I don't offend anyone with her new blog post." Who is this "I" to whom Hope is referring? Let's try to clarify, shall we? "Hope Elizabeth Swanson hopes that she doesn't offend anyone with her new blog post." or "Hope Elizabeth Swanson I hope I don't offend anyone with my new blog post." See how it didn't seem like I was hoping that facebook didn't offend anyone with my new blog post?

5. Apostrophes don't make things plural. Apostrophes show possession or they take the place of letters in a contraction. I hang out with my friends, not my friend's. I live at my parents' house. I don't have a boyfriend.

The above are simply matters of correct English. This post, as whiny as it may sound, is not entirely personal. It's about apparent intelligence (not actual intelligence, mind you. Facebook is a terrible source if you are trying to determine whether or not a person is intelligent.).

Well, I have C.S. Lewis to read. Eventually I'll get around to writing about it. By "eventually," I probably mean tomorrow. You can read about my journey with Jack at hopefulbooks.blogspot.com.

he still has to watch the director

2010-06-22T19:59:00.000-04:00

A few months ago, my dad wrote about Dr. Reg Klopfenstein, a professor of instrumental music at Bethel. Now it's my turn to write about him.

On April 17 I went to the Spring Band Concert. Dr. Klopfenstein was playing timpani, I think. He knows how to do music. He knows how to do percussion. As I watched him play (he was in the center of my line of vision), I saw him look up at the director, Dr. Michael Kendall. As a musician, I appreciated this.

As talented and knowledgeable as Dr. Klopfenstein is, he still has to watch the director. He still needs to get the beat from someone.

I knew right away that this was going to turn into a post. That's the kind of person I have become since August. My dad does the same thing.

As I thought about what kind of post it would be, I realized that it was an easy metaphor. So here we go.

Do I really need to explain who is represented by each of the professors? I don't think so.

It doesn't matter who we are. It doesn't matter how many degrees in theology we have or how high we are in church leadership or how many people look up to us as spiritual people. We can't be content with textbook knowledge. We must continue to commune with the Director. We must look to Him for the beat of our lives. He knows exactly what the song is supposed to sound like. His arrangement is the best, the original. Better than any remix we could come up with.

a day in the life of this bridesmaid.

2010-06-20T14:58:00.000-04:00

12:30am-Go to bed after a good day of decorating, a successful rehearsal at the outdoor location (Lakeside Rose Gardens), and a delicious dinner at Flat Top Grill.

9:00am-Wake up to discover that it's raining. Say a quick but earnest prayer that it goes away. Let the dog out, eat breakfast.

9:30am-Get dressed, straighten hair, drink some coffee.

10:10am-Bride and two other bridesmaids arrive. Go to nail salon. M.o.H., Bride's mom, and Aunt Kim are there. Sing songs from "Glee."

11:20am-Leave nail salon with hands lookin' good. Sing songs from "Glee." The rain has stopped.

11:30am-Arrive at Bagel Station for some food. Mom (mine) meets us there.

12:30pm-Leave Bagel Station, take Bride and M.o.H. home to get ready for their hair appointment, go to JoAnn Fabrics for cake knife and server. The sun has begun to shine.

1:15pm-Quick run to Target for some hair clips and heat protection spray (for hair).

1:30pm-Back home, get everything together.

2:00pm-Leave for Arts United Center to get ready.

2:15pm-Arrive at Arts United Center, greet photographer and two other bridesmaids.

2:20pm-Finish decorating.

2:30pm-Start styling hair. This will continue until 5:00pm.

3:00pm-Bride and M.o.H. arrive from the hair dresser with their mom. All are looking pretty snazzy.

3:18pm-Bride gets a phone call from the string quartet, advising her to move the wedding to the indoor location (at the Arts United Center). Bride talks to Groom. The decision is made to have an indoor wedding. Phone calls are made to family, friends, and the chair rental company.

3:30pm-Start applying makeup.

4:30pm-Indoor rehearsal. Yes, Bride and Groom saw each other before the ceremony.

5:00pm-Back to the dressing rooms to get dressed.

5:15pm-Walk out of dressing room to see Groom (Brother) and parents. Big hugs, pictures, tears.

5:40pm-Bridesmaids and Bride photos in the dressing room. Leave dressing room.

5:45pm-Bride and Groom, now both fully dressed, talk privately (with the photographer) about what to do about the limo and pictures.

6:05pm-Walk to the ceremony location.

6:10pm-String quartet gives the cue, walk down the stairs, take Alex's arm, and walk down the aisle.

6:12pm-Canon in D. Bride and her dad walk down the stairs. Outside the sun is shining, but the rain is pouring down. Thunder. Lots of tears.

Ceremony: Trading in one sibling for two. Life together takes on a different meaning. Dad (officiant) "With the power vested in me..." Groom "This is it!"

"Mr. and Mrs. Andrew and Allie Swanson."

Tears, smiles, take Alex's arm again and walk back down the aisle. Huddle with the wedding party. Hop in the limo for a quick spin around town.

Back to the AUC, pictures with grandparents, up the stairs to the reception. Not much of an entrance. Best Man announces Bride and Groom.

Find a table, get food, talk to family and friends. Best Man speech, M.o.H. speech, Bride and Groom speech, Alex speech. Finish eating, cake, more chatting with family and friends. Pictures, awkwardness.

Head outside with the bridal party and the parents for more pictures. Mosquitoes and fireflies.

The license gets signed, we all head out. Home, change, over to Marklands'. Awkward eye contact with an old friend.

12:30-Home. Sleep.

And that was my day as a bridesmaid.

my body isn't quite ready to shut down.

2010-06-18T00:46:00.000-04:00

I am exhausted.

I was out last night until 12:30, which is later than I've been out in a few weeks. Didn't go to bed until maybe an hour later.

I got up at 10:00 today. Last night I figured out a schedule for cleaning my room.

I couldn't even stick to the first hour, which wasn't even cleaning.

I ate some pasta.

I ate some Sour Patch Kids and some Swedish Fish.

I drank some Arizona Sweet Tea and some coffee.

(I did make some progress on the cleaning.)

My body was whacked out tonight. I desperately needed protein, but I didn't have anything to eat before worship team practice. Nor did I take water with me. All I had was coffee. Needless to say, I was looking forward to going out after Next Level.

Of course, I got soda to drink. But the wings definitely did.

Watching the Lakers win did nothing to help. Boo. Not a fan of Kobe. Don't get me wrong, he's a talented ball player. I just don't want to watch him strut and swagger all over the place.

Unfortunately, the caffeine in my system is keeping me awake. I'm yawning up a storm, and I'm hoping that lying down will help.

On another note, God is really great.

Today's reasons for saying that:

1. Successful surgery for Nate Pelz!! The tumor is gone, and he'll be out of the hospital in a few days. Such an incredible answer to prayer. Read about Nate's Big Fight.

2. Progress on an actual friendship with someone I haven't quite figured out.

3. Good talk with Evan last night, plus Mythbusters Top 25 Countdown and a fixed necklace at Paul's house.

4. Renewed passion.

5. The high probability of a chat this weekend about China.

Okay. It's time to try to sleep.

P.S. My brother is married. I've got a post in the works about that.

Things I Learned During My First Year of College

2010-05-31T00:24:00.000-04:00

I haven't written anything in quite a while. I guess I haven't really been doing much, so I haven't had a craving to write about my life. But I've realized some things that I learned over the course of two semesters of college and I'd like to share them.

1. So, you've been wanting for two years to participate in something. Don't automatically expect God to let you do it when you want to do it. I have been interested the PacRim Semester Abroad since I first heard about it. When I was majoring in Spanish, I couldn't really justify it. I would have been expected to go to the DR and I don't think I could have fit all of my classes. Once I dropped that major, I realized that I could to the PacRim trip. I was thrilled. I decided that if the musical next spring wasn't "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat," I was going to do the trip. The musical is "Cinderella." Here's the problem with this: I made the decision. I was interested in the trip. Why? Because who wouldn't want to go to New Zealand, Australia, and China? *buzzer noise* Wrong answer. I should have wanted to go on the trip because I could feel God leading me there. At the moment, I have doubts about the trip. But I also have doubts about my doubts, so it's going to take a lot more praying and a conversation with a friend who has already said that he would try to talk me into the trip. I might still do the trip next spring, I might just be postponing it, or I might not do it at all. I am certain that God will call me to some sort of overseas travels during my college years. And I am certain that I will have no doubts about His call.

2. Just because you are in the FYE Block that is known for producing couples, don't expect to be half of one of those couples by the end of your freshman year. In the 16 years that Brother Tim and Maralee have been teaching Block 3, there have been something like 17 marriages and over 20 grandchildren. That is something that we learned in our very first meeting as a Block. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who looked around the room and wondered who I might end up with. I didn't end up with anyone. And that's okay. There have been hundreds of students through Block 3 in 16 years. And less than 40 of them have ended up together. I don't have to be one of them.

3. Don't decide that you're going to meet your future spouse during your freshman year. And when you meet someone you think is pretty awesome, give it some time before you start dating. Get to know how the person behaves in lots of situations. Of course, I didn't date, or almost date, anyone this year. Which was totally fine. And please, I beg of you, don't say "oh, we're not dating" while you're holding hands and making out all over the place. That's just not pleasant.

4. LEARN HOW TO GET YOUR WORK DONE BEFORE 3:00 IN THE MORNING, she says as she's writing at 4:30. (I started writing this the other day.) I ended up in the hallway in the wee hours of the morning far too often. And it always came back around. Sleep is important. Sure, 12:00 will start to seem early. But when no one else's iTunes library is available and you have watched the list of people on facebook chat dwindle to four or five, you start to feel all alone in the world. That is not a good feeling. Your friends will understand if you don't say yes to hanging out every time. They have homework, too.

5. God really does have a great plan for your life. You just need to let Him take control. You don't actually have any control; you're just trying to have it. We ask God for His will to be done in our lives, all the while having an idea of what His will should be. We think that God's will for us will always be comfortable. That's just not going to happen. If God's will was always comfortable, we wouldn't know much of anything about the Waodani (Auca) tribe. Those five men wouldn't have been killed as they tried to make a connection with the natives. (I watched "End of the Spear" and "Beyond the Gates of Spendor" last month. It's a beautiful story.)

This list is far from exhaustive. I'm sure I will add to it as the summer goes on. And I'm hoping that I will have more to write about. I'm pretty sure that I will.

Buenas noches.

maybe not 10:30.

2010-04-26T10:11:00.000-04:00

But certainly 11:30, at the latest.

I have finished the revision process.
I need to write introductions to both of the portfolios.
One of them is mostly done, and I need to go back to my room to get the instructions for the other.

But I'm in pretty good shape.
I'm not feeling frantic or rushed.
Personal deadlines are a good motivator.

The promise of a nap after I finish all of this is also a good motivator.
As is the plan to go to Chipotle tonight!!

I don't think I ever mentioned that I had been seeing the ghost of Greg Fox during the past month.
It seemed like every other day I would see someone who looked like him.
But then I would remind myself that Greg was at Oxford.

I walked into SG this morning and he was one of the first things I noticed.
The real Greg Fox, returned to North America.

Of course, I have never actually spoken to him in my life, so it would be weird for me to welcome him back and ask him about his semester, right.
Yes, it would. So I'm not saying anything.

And I'm working on this portfolio stuff, and he's talking to Chester.
So it would be very, very strange.

But, if by some unexpected stumbling you, Greg, find this post, I welcome you home.
And I really would enjoy hearing about your semester at Oxford.

Of course, I could just read your blog.

Now, back to my normal, not awkward at all writing.

revising.

2010-04-26T02:58:00.000-04:00

for at least one of my LIT227 essays it has turned into a rewrite, adding a secondary source and restructuring the argument with a clear thesis.

I'm sitting in the hallway, waiting for the caffeine to kick in and for the words to flow.
I'll probably make coffee in about half an hour.

and I'm planning to stay up until I can get into the computer lab to print everything and put it all together.
I want to turn these things in by 10:30.

This is what I get for not following my schedule.
I wrote out what I was going to do for every day last week.
I had "revise essay" on there about five times, and I didn't do it at all.
So now it's Sunday night (Monday morning), the portfolios are due at noon (nine hours), and I have no desire to write.

Two and a half left: Illegal Immigration for PHIL150, and "The Torment of the Dream" and "Odysseus' Women" for LIT227. I'd say it's going pretty well. I've got some mint tea, some Landon Pigg, and my favorite laundry room smell.

that's all for now.

I can't solve your problems.

2010-04-11T23:16:00.000-04:00

[This is going to be a thinly-veiled, completely selfish rant.]

Two of my friends just started dating.

I have been waiting for them to date for months.

They're pretty great together.

Several weeks ago, the guy dated another friend of mine.

He broke up with her, and I've heard her side of the story several times.

She never got over him.

She came to my room about an hour ago, upset that the guy started dating someone else.

She was hurt, and I understand that.

But I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

For the past couple of weeks, I have invested hours in this girl's life.

I have listened to her complaints of heartache.

But, quite frankly, I'm sick of it.

She is still in love with the boyfriend who broke up with her last fall.

She wouldn't admit it, but it's far too obvious.

Almost every conversation we have ends up being about her.
I can start telling a story about my life, and it always comes around to her love life.

I prefaced this by saying that I was going to be selfish, so I don't care how this sounds:

I just want to talk about me sometimes, maybe for like, two minutes.

Granted, she did listen to me tell two stories tonight, without interjecting.

I appreciated that.

But she seemed bored, like she didn't want to be listening.

And they were very good stories.

I climbed through a window at a professor's house yesterday.

(We had permission to be there, but the key didn't work.

And we really needed to get stuff from his basement.)

I love this girl like a sister.

I care about her.

But I don't want to listen to her talk about this anymore.

I've heard it and I understand and I've tried to empathize.

But because I've never been through it before, she won't listen to me when I tell her she needs to let it go.

She's just sick of being hurt and lied to.

"People will let you down," I tell her.

She doesn't get that I have been let down.

Just because I haven't had my heart broken in the way that she has, I'm not completely ignorant.

I don't know what she expects me to do for her.

I can't take all of her problems, in addition to my own.

God alone can fully understand, and I am clearly not God.

That's how I'm feeling right now: frustrated, annoyed, selfish, and helpless.

my birthday: the way I see it.

2010-04-06T14:07:00.000-04:00

it's not that exciting.

Cassie made a big deal about it in psych today and everybody sang to me.
And I just sat there, not knowing what to do.
it seemed like everyone was more excited than I was.

I don't feel different.
I don't feel older.
it's pretty much just a Tuesday.

it's not even a good Tuesday.
I stayed up late last night, trying to finish reading a book for world lit.
then I got up early to meet with my advisor.
I tried again to finish the book.
it's my project for the afternoon.

yep. I'm going to spend my birthday reading a book that doesn't interest me.
I think that once I get into it, I might enjoy it, but as it is, I feel defeated.
my birthday doesn't mean that I get a break from life.

maybe today means something more to the people who remember that hot Saturday.
because I don't, it's just the day that marks another 365 and 1/4 rotations of the planet.

so, it's April 6, 2010.
I was born 19 years ago.

hooray.

(but happy birthday to Landon and Kris and Emma and Alex and Natalie and Matt Kitsos' wife and everyone else who is celebrating one more trip around the sun. I hope you all don't have such a bad attitude about today.)

birthdays and facebook.

2010-03-29T14:53:00.000-04:00

My birthday is a week from tomorrow
And I keep forgetting about it.

No one is around to remind me of it, so there isn't the excitement that there usually is.
I won't be with my family on my birthday this year.
I probably won't even be on the same continent as my family next year.

For some people, this is normal.
For me, it's one more first of college life.
I don't think I like the number of things that I have to get used to.
And then it will all change again.

I don't like that facebook is the way we know about people's birthdays anymore.
I remember the days when we actually had to remember these details about our friends' lives.
But facebook cannot be trusted. Rather, tricky facebook users cannot always be trusted.
People enter incorrect birthdays all the time.
I've been engaged on facebook more than once, and it was "complicated" with a friend of mine over the summer.
Some of our friends actually thought we were together.

I hate facebook. I don't like what it has become.
I don't like that anyone with an e-mail address can join.
I don't like that fan pages exist for everything under the sun.
There are fan pages about hating fan pages. Come on. Really?
I have been on facebook once in the past week, and only then because I thought I might have gotten an important message.
Yes, I have missed birthdays, and I apologize for that.
But I remembered birthdays, too.
Because I cared enough, because I was reminded, because it mattered.

I have eight days left of being 18.
Then I enter two years of awkward, in-between ages.
19 is the age of high school sophomores' too-old boyfriends.
20 is just weird.
But I'll be stuck with them.

And now it's time to go to Logic class.
What a joyous moment.

a six hour nap and not doing Agape.

2010-03-21T21:13:00.000-04:00

This morning, the Bethel Women's Chorale performed at College Park Missionary Church.
They gave us lunch and I ate more than I should have. But it was delicious, so I don't really care.

Jamie and I got back to the room, changed out of our dresses, and climbed into our beds.
James got up around 2:00 to go to the Spanish service at College Park.
I slept.
I woke up to go to the bathroom.
My abdomen (This is where I give my mother that look. She knows what it means. And I'm sure you can figure it out.) was killing me, and I thought a hot shower would help.
It didn't.
I went back to bed.
I was going to get up at 6:00 so I could do homework before leading Agape Fire tonight.
(Which is supposed to start six minutes from when I'm typing this.)
My alarm went off, I quieted it and went back to sleep.
Mom texted me around 7:30, I think, asking me how I was doing.
We talked for a while, and I read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.
Then I decided that it was probably time to get up, eat something, put on some real clothes (as opposed to sweats) and do some homework.
I'm not really feeling much better, not well enough to walk across campus so I decided not to do Agape.
So not I sit in the Great Room, still not doing the homework that Dr. Stump is so graciously allowing me to turn in late.
It will get done, even though I don't really understand what's going on.
("This is what office hours are for, Swanson." "I know, I know.")

Also, I'm having a serious craving for Chinese food.

cute couples.

2010-03-18T15:27:00.000-04:00

this is not going to go where you think it's going.
And, of course, it started in my World Lit class today.

I love watching couples. What I really love about it is pointing out how two people really don't go together.
Sometimes, one person is really attractive and the other is mediocre at best.
Sometimes they just aren't cute together. Like, they interact awkwardly, or they don't look good together.
My least favorite couples are the ones that aren't balanced. Like, she likes him a lot more than he likes her. It's not fair to anyone if one person is doing all the work and is carrying the other.

I have talked about my rings in the past. The Rock reminds me of what is to come after this life.

In class today we talked about "The Overcoat," by Nikolai Gogol. (This is not the translation we read.) The main character, Akaky, needs a new overcoat. The one he currently owns is worn out, tattered, and not attractive. Akaky goes to the tailor and is told that he must buy a new coat. The two characters decide on a price and Akaky decides that he has something to work for. The idea of the coat gives his life a purpose.

Robby had us talk about this idea of looking forward to something, being focused on a goal, and making everything you do about achieving that goal.

I talked about my ring, about mismatched couples, about being a worthy bride.
I don't want to be an ugly bride, standing next to the beautiful Bridegroom.
I want people to look at my life and think "yeah, she and Jesus look good together."
That's a weird image, I know. What I mean is, I don't want it to seem like Jesus is doing all the work. Yes, Jesus saved my life. I can't do anything that comes even close to that. But I can give my life to him.
I can live in the way he described when he walked this earth.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires."

Peter wrote before there was a New Testament. "Everything we need" did not include the Bible that we have today. These people had the Old Testament and some guys who wrote them letters. Most importantly, they had the Holy Spirit. Yes, Scripture is very important. But if you are listening for the Holy Spirit and are willing to let God's will take hold of your life, He will direct you in His ways. He won't tell you anything that is in conflict with His word. It is important to know Scripture so that you can be sure that what you are hearing is from God.

This is starting to stray from my original point.

I want to be a worthy bride for Christ.
To do this, I must live as he wants me to.

Marilynn Ham and my sister.

2010-03-13T00:22:00.000-05:00

Marilynn Ham, piano professor and Artist-in-Residence, music arranger and composer, and delightful woman came to my Perspectives in Fine Arts class on Wednesday to share her talent with us. One of the pieces she played for us was her arrangement of "He's Got The Whole World." She got to a section that I can only assume was the verse about the "little, tiny babies." It was very much like a lullaby. I began thinking about the lyrics and about my sister Kathryn.

My sister died two years before I was born. She had a genetic disorder called Trisomy 18 Syndrome. She lived for five weeks during the summer of 1989 and died in my dad's arms.

"He's got the little, tiny babies in His hands."

As I thought about this, about how true it is, and how well my parents understood it, tears came to my eyes.
I tried to not let them spill over because I thought that might make my professor ask me to share with the class. If I started talking, I'd start crying and it would be a big mess and I'd be embarrassed to go to that class ever again.

As she was being formed in our mother's womb, as her tiny body was affected by her disease, as she fought for life every day, God held my sister in His hands.

I usually think of Kate as my baby sister. The only pictures of her that exist are of an infant girl. But my sister would be twenty years old.

I don't know how we will look or what age we will seem when we get to Heaven. I'm sure my sister will not be a baby for Eternity. I hope I will recognize her when I see her.

Now, I should probably stop sitting in a metal chair while a thunderstorm rolls into town.

a very short "in one week" post.

2010-02-23T02:13:00.000-05:00

in one week, I will be in my own bed.
I will probably not be awake.

and that will be lovely.

my favorite study group.

2010-02-23T02:00:00.000-05:00

every few weeks I have a psychology test.
and before that test, I meet with my study group.

a brief introduction to the group, in alphabetical order by first name:

Alex Cox
-HATES that he has to take this class, and therefore put it off until his final semester.
-often shares anecdotes about his world travels.
-LOVES world football. because "soccer" is such an American word.
-attacked my facebook and phone tonight.
-didn't eat any of my delicious orange-chocolate cake tonight?

Calvin Hirschy
-is a philosophy and math double major. that describes him fairly well.
-is perfectly content to sit in the library studying for hours.
-plays the piano quite well.
-is a quiet antagonist.
-could ruin your social life if you let him.
-attacked Cassie's facebook and phone tonight.
-always eats my baked goods.

Cassie Eberly
-is pro-chivalry. like, pretty much the opposite of my views.
-actually has a tutor for the class, and shares her studying with the rest of us.
-flung a blob of cake and frosting at me, aiming for my mouth, and hit me square in the chest. from seven feet away. we all nearly died of laughter.
-very much wanted to frost the cake perfectly. unfortunately, the cake was not cooperating.
-hates everything I do. :-)

Hope Swanson
-sings only slightly less often than Alex.
-baked a wonderful orange-chocolate cake tonight, that was not enjoyed by everyone.
-was somewhat disappointed.
-"has officially been frosted by Cassie Eberly and is looking quite stunning as a fruitcake. Great study times. Woohoo!!!"
-watched as Alex wrote the above statement as her facebook status.
-learns from the things Study Group laughs at, more than what is discussed.

Kevin Engel
-is an art major, changed from math education.
-IS ALWAYS DOODLING OR MAKING FLOWERS OUT OF CHIP BAGS OR DOING SOME OTHER ARTISTIC THING.
-sure does know how to kill a joke. and he's proud of it.

There are more things I could say about everyone, but for the sake of this post, this is all that really matters.

Tonight Cassie and I had dinner together at 7 and then she left and I was going to write.
Or bake cupcakes. No, I don't have any cupcake tin liners.
Maybe I'll make Surprise Meringues. No, I don't have nearly enough time for that.
Maybe I'll try to make cupcakes without the liners. No, I'll make a cake.
No, I'll just have everyone come over here so I can make the meringues.
I'll just make a cake and sneak it into the library. Ooo!!! An orange-chocolate cake!!
Wait, the RAs are all in their meeting. I guess I'll just go over to the library.
(It is now 9:00.)
Calvin and I got to the library and found Kevin already there. We decided that we should meet in the kitchen so I could make my cake.
I texted Alex and Cassie and let them know.
Got back to Sailor, had Julie open the kitchen for us.
I preheated the oven, mixed the cake, and got it on its way to baked deliciousness.
(It is now around 9:30.)
We all talked and sang about "Moulin Rouge," life, psychology, music, sex, and everything in between.
Half an hour later, the cake was finished.
We kept talking about everything.
My timeline is a little sketchy for the rest of this.
I think after about 20 minutes Cassie sent me to get frosting. I brought it back and she tried to frost the cake. The frosting had been in the fridge and, even though it was the whipped kind, it didn't spread very well. The top of the cake came off with the frosting.
Cassie pretended that she was going to fling it at me, and I decided that she should try to get it into my mouth.
FAILURE!!
We got all the guys to watch, the spatula went back, forward, the frosting flew off and hit me, as I said before, square in the chest.
Funniest thing that's happened in a while. Hardest I've genuinely laughed in weeks, I think.
Cassie, Kevin and I were all on the floor.
Calvin and Alex, who had been focused on "Linus and Lucy," were both consumed with laughter.
It was wonderful.

We got back to an almost-focused state.
Then Cassie heard "Phantom of the Opera" coming from the workout room.
It was ice dancing.
We went to watch, letting the door closed behind us.
Not a wise decision.
The number finished and I went to go get more cake.
The door was locked.
Alex was sitting at my computer.
I ran around to the other door only to find that it, too was locked.
He was on my facebook, and I could only assume that Calvin, who was at Cassie's computer, was on hers.
My status was being changed and I was joining groups and I couldn't do anything about it.
I walked away for about a minute and returned to the window. This time they had our phones.
This is always terrifying for me.
Thankfully, the guy RAs were all leaving the office, so I had Lucas unlock the door.
"There's a whole bunch of people in there."
"I know, and they won't let us in."
As soon as I walked in the door, Alex, who was trying to send a message, more or less ran away from me.
I went to open the door for Cassie and we both began to do damage control.
I got my phone back just in time to cancel the message he was trying to send to my friend Dave.
It was an almost risque picture of Calvin with the text "best thing ever."
That I had canceled the message was a great disappointment to our antagonists.
(Oh dear, I'm getting tired. The big words and complicated structure are going to get worse if I don't stop soon.)
At this point (getting close to 12:00), most hope of actually studying was gone.
We discussed a few more points, listened to more music, threw some chocolate around, and didn't eat cake.

So, we have a great night to remember while we're taking our test in less than 12 hours.
Hopefully we'll remember what little psychology we actually talked about.
(Which was probably more than I think we give ourselves credit for.)

Now I have to read Cantos IV-X and do a worksheet for 11:00.

Dear Everything Bagel,
I know that you are enjoying your time in the cooler at Sufficient Grounds.
I'm sure that it's a very nice place for you.
However, I am looking forward to eating you in about seven hours.
Get excited about being sliced, toasted, and covered with cream cheese.
Love,
Hope

Please forgive any errors in this post, whether factual or grammatical. I'm sleep-deprived.

Good night.

just call me Amanda Woods.

2010-02-19T02:29:00.000-05:00

I'm not good at expressing emotions.
Or, to put a positive spin on it, I'm wonderful at putting up a completely blank face.
I can show happiness and excitement very easily, but when it comes to being sad or angry or frustrated or annoyed, I hold everything inside. I use words all the time to express my frustration, but what I say often completely lacks true emotions. I let the sadness and frustration build up inside of me for months.
Until I let myself become sleep-deprived. Working a show is good for that.

Allow me to back up and explain a little bit.
Through elementary and middle school, I was the one who cried about everything. I was the sensitive, emotional, wimpy, etc. girl.
When I got to high school, I didn't want that reputation anymore. I started hiding everything. I still felt the emotions, but I rarely cried.

Through my sin struggle between sophomore and senior years, I withdrew even more. No one really knew much of anything about me. At CDYC last summer, I was able to talk to my small group leader about the struggle I had been hiding, and have been able to talk about it more since then. I'm overall more open about things now.

But I hate being comforted, so I am careful about the amount of upset feelings I show. It has become a struggle to truly show my emotions. I can describe my feelings quite well, but when it comes to having outward emotional reactions, I feel almost like a failure.

In the past couple of weeks, a lot of things have gone wrong. Nothing too major, but it's been building. I haven't been able to really process it and let it all go, not that I do that very well anyway. I have been feeling a little off and frustrated and emotional lately. A couple days ago, I realized that I hadn't cried, really cried, since Christmas Break. I know that there are other causes behind my weird feelings of late, but I'm pretty sure most of it has been coming from my inability to release my feelings in a healthy way. I've noticed myself becoming more irritable and withdrawn in the past week, and that bothered me. I hate lashing out at people.

Last night, I wanted desperately to cry. I tried everything from listening to The Fray to reenacting the scene from "The Holiday" in which Cameron Diaz's character is trying to make herself cry. I needed something to remind me that I am a human and am capable of experiencing and displaying emotion. I was so close. I could feel it in my face. But the tears never came.

I was frustrated about it today.

I have a psychology test on Tuesday and my study group was planning to meet tonight. I decided that I wanted to feel good about myself when we sat down to work. I was looking nice and was getting ready to go.

Then, my daddy texted me. He asked if I was doing ok.
I said that I was great, other than waiting for something to push me over the edge so I could cry.
About a minute later, he called me.
That was enough to make the tears come. What a relief!!
(Thanks, Daddy.)

After we hung up, I though about having to walk over to the library. I hate wearing coats, but the outfit I was wearing would have required one. So I decided to change, choosing comfort over looking good. I walked out of my room to head to the library, I felt wonderful. I could breathe easily again. I wasn't feeling like I needed to hide anything. I was able to enjoy spending time with my study group, even though we spent most of the time talking about not-psychology. We had a great time talking about everything from world football (because "'soccer' is such an American word") to "stop-smoking rubber bands" vs. stop smoking rubber bands to what kind of parents we will be. And I only got genuinely frustrated once. And I didn't hide it.

I think we all just need to cry sometimes.

breakfast with Carl Orff

2010-02-18T10:38:00.002-05:00

I'm listening to Carl Orff's Carmina Burana as I sit at my little table.
I have to keep myself from laughing out loud at the man's creativity (and the humor of the text: it's pretty much about drinking and sex),
it's the recording from 2006 when Heartland Chamber Chorale, the South Bend Chamber Singers, and the Fort Wayne Children's Choir collaborated to perform the work at various venues around Northern Indiana.
(I was in the Children's Choir.)
Since I don't have any homework that I need to be doing right now, I'm reading the translation.
from "Floret silva nobilis:"

Ubi est antiquus	Where is the lover
meus amicus?	I knew? Ah!
Hinc equitavit,	He has ridden off!
eia, quis me amabit?	Oh! Who will love me? Ah!

Because I've always had the German/Latin text in front of me, I've never really paid any attention to the translation and how the music helps to paint the picture.
In this section of the song, the women sing the first two lines, then the music changes and sounds like a riding song as the men sing "Hinc, hinc, hinc...equitavit...tavit, tavit..." and fade out. Like the lover riding off.
Then the women come back in, clearly distraught.

I had never noticed that.

I am falling in love with this work all over again.

I'm just doing my job.

2010-02-15T13:43:00.000-05:00

I was on props crew for "Jane Eyre" this weekend.

I was regularly thanked for what I was doing and told that I was doing a great job. This confused me. I was simply doing what I was supposed to do. I was just doing my job.
I don't handle being thanked very well. I just don't ever know what to say. I usually just laughed and said said "oh, no problem. you're doing great, too." Which was most definitely a true statement. I don't think there was anyone who wasn't doing well during this show.

I'm glad to be appreciated and acknowledged, but I feel like I shouldn't be thanked so often.
I'm just doing my job.

Then I stop to think of it as an actress.
I know how important prop people are.
I value them. I appreciate them.
I know that they make my job easier.

I think of it from the perspective of Werby, my ASM.
She has enough to think about without having to deal with getting everyone's props ready.
I help her.

As a prop girl, I do everything I can to make others happy.
I try to reduce their stress.
I often had props prepared several scenes before they were needed.
I hope this was helpful.

I love working backstage. It gives me perspective.
Not as an actor, because there has never been a time when I didn't work both sides of the curtain, but as an audience member.
I go to productions and see how flawless things are, and I can pretend that it just happens that way.
Or I can think about how much work is happening in places I can't see.
I can think about the people dressed in black, on their toes, ready to move set pieces or hand props to actors or help with quick costume changes.
I know that productions take a lot of hard work.
I know that everyone in the playbill has an important job, and that each of those jobs is necessary for the success of the show.
I can't pretend that productions put themselves together.

So, I know that what I did was important and helpful. I know that I did good work.
I know that someone else could have done my job just as well as I did, but I'm glad it was me.

I'm glad I got to work with such wonderful people.
It was a great show.

And in 38 days (yeah, it's 38 days), we will put on another great show.

a week has come and gone.

2010-02-14T22:57:00.000-05:00

last night was the final performance of "Jane Eyre."
we took down the set, put props and costumes away, set up the pit platform, and picked up the spike tape.
around 1:30, we headed over to Tradewinds and Ian and Jon got to know the caffeinated and sleep-deprived version of me. the one who puts spike tape on her face and goes through phases of energy. one minute I was laughing way too loudly, and the next I was silent. the next minute we were talking seriously about literature. so great. probably the best after-show meal I've had.
it was a great run. I'm incredibly proud to have been a part of this production.

as much as I complained about the story line, the story of the show and the message that rang in my heart as Asha's voice rang through the auditorium is one of forgiveness. I'm not sure that I would have been able to forgive Edward, but I love that Jane can. And I know that that kind of forgiveness is what we are called to as Christians. So, I guess I should try to offer as much grace as I am given every day.

it was so great to see my parents on Friday.
we went out to lunch at Famous Dave's and did some shopping at Super Target.
Dad turned in one of my essays for World Lit, and Mama and I went shopping again.
I really miss shopping with my mom.
I really miss my parents in general.

right before I saw my parents, I got the Save The Date card for my brother's wedding.
oh. my. word. I was SO excited!!!!
I can't wait. I LOVE weddings, and this one has been a long time coming.

and now I sit in The Acorn. not my usual writing location, but SG is closed on Sundays and I just can't do anything productive in my room.

in one week.

2010-02-05T16:49:00.000-05:00

I will try not to cry as I write this.

"Jane Eyre" is next weekend.
my parents are coming to the performance on Friday night.
since I don't have classes on Fridays, I will get to spend some time with them before the show.
my mom told me that she's taking me shopping.
I'm really excited.
I haven't seen my family since break, and I won't be going home until Spring Break.
for some people (i.e. the international students) this is normal, and it's a little unfair for me to say this.
but I'm used to seeing my family all the time.
I miss them.
so, one week from today, I will be with my parents.

I have a lot to do before then.
in one hour I will be at dry tech rehearsal. "All scene changes, all the time."
tomorrow is wet tech. we will be rehearsing for most of the day.
then I think I'm going to several Burger Kings to obtain crowns.
Sunday I have church, babysitting, Agape Fire, and watching a movie with a friend.
more rehearsals next week, the show opens on Thursday morning for the home schools.
shows Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday afternoon, and Saturday night.
strike until late.
then I will need sleep. badly.

but the show isn't the only thing going on in my life.
I still have classes next week and, unlike high school, I can't coast in college.
rehearsals happen later here, and because of my schedule and time management failure, I end up awake at 2:00 in the morning reading for my literature class.
I think I'm expected to read all of Till We Have Faces by Thursday in class.
but I have to be at the show during that class.
I feel like I can't win.
I just want it to be one week from now.

if I weren't a theatre person, I think it would be worse.
I was an English Ed major when I scheduled my classes, and I needed a media lab.
Drama Production was the only one that would fit.
when I switched, I could have dropped the class, but I was already dropping Ed Ped (smirk. Ed Ped.)
I'm the only non-theatre major or minor in the class, and on the first day no one knew what to do with me.
I said "I'm a theatre person, I understand."
as I go to rehearsals, I realize how true that is.
I love this stress and busyness.
I love watching as the actors and directors and stage managers (I'm going to throw the ASMs and props mistress into this category) work together to make this show as good as it can be.
I love the way everyone is coming together and realizing that they have six days to get this ready for an audience.
I don't know that a non-theatre person (someone who doesn't have theatre experience or someone who doesn't enjoy theatre) could stand this.

I might get frustrated.
I might snap at people who don't deserve it.
I might actually end up punching Nate/Alex in the face.
(I hope that doesn't happen, but they're doing well enough at the role that I've been getting genuinely upset.)
but I will persevere.
because I get to see my parents in one week.

"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."

a future full of doing what I love.

2010-02-04T22:08:00.000-05:00

I know, this is my third post today.
get over it. I need to write this.

when I say that I don't want a career, I am not saying that I don't want a job.
by "career" I mean a profession in which one desires to progress.
I mean a full time job that ends in retirement.
I mean the kind of job that gives six weeks of maternity leave and two weeks of paid vacation each year.
I don't want that, not because I don't think women should have jobs, but because I think I shouldn't have a job.
by "think" I mean to imply leading from God, thank you.

this does not mean that I am going to give up on the things that I love.
-music and theatre will always play a huge role (yeah, notice the pun, even if the grammar is a little sketchy) in my life. God has given me this love and talent, and I will use it as He leads me.

-food usually makes people happy.
I like making people happy.
I will make food for people.

-I am a little bit obsessive about making formal writing seem professional and intelligent.
I love literature.
I love high school-age students.
I have loved going over papers with my friends, dissecting each paragraph and sentence in order to clearly state the intended meaning.
tutoring high school students in English seems to be a perfect fit.
(no, I don't always follow the rules of English in my posts. I follow the rules of my own writing style.)

so, don't get the wrong idea about me. I'm not planning to be the wife who depends on her husband for every financial need. I do want to have a job.
and I'm not going to stop using the talents and passions that God has given me.
please don't misunderstand me.
I'm not just at college to find a man and get my Mrs. degree.
I'm here to learn. I'm here to gain experience.
I'm here because this is where God wants me right now.
and that is the only thing that I know for sure.

for all the future teachers in the room.

2010-02-04T21:28:00.000-05:00

as I sat in my literature class today, I did not expect to feel sad.
we just began reading Till We Have Faces.
I was excited. I get to work on one of my goals for 2010 while doing homework.
but we weren't talking about TWHF yet. we were still talking about The Odyssey.
Robby asked us to talk about the most helpful exercise we had done in class.
Kari mentioned the proems we had written earlier in the semester.
Robby talked about how important it is to have students write about themselves.
he addressed the future teachers in the room, telling them that this was a good idea.
how can you teach someone if you don't know him or her?

I felt strangely sad and I knew exactly why.
a few months ago, that would have been directed at me.
I would have taken note of it and made it a part of my plan for every first day of school.

but now, after changing my major and having a completely new vision for my life, it took time for me to understand how that relates to my future.
then it hit me, I'm probably still going to be working with students.
if I do tutor high school students in English, I will need to know them.
I will need to find out how they think and learn and come to understand concepts.
I will need to determine where to begin and what concepts to focus on.
I will need them to write for me about themselves.

and so, my sadness quickly passed and was replaced by the hope of a bright future:
a future full of doing what I love.

and that's what my next post is going to be about, because I tend to not clearly communicate how I see my future.