Why do I write?

I write because I need affirmation.
I write because I want people to know who I am.
I write because I have something to say and I do not have a natural platform from which to say it.

I write when I cannot speak the words out loud.
I write for healing.
I write to understand my thoughts and to help others understand my thoughts.

I write because I have to.
I write because I can.
I write because I get lost in my thoughts unless I can see them.

I write because I am narcissistic.
I write because sometimes it's the only way I know how to deal with my life.
I write because it's part of who I am and where I've come from.

I write because sometimes, I feel like there are no words.
But when I write, they appear.

When did we get so old?

I suppose "old" isn't quite the right word.
More like "grown up" or "far along in life."

I was home last weekend for Fall Break.
On Saturday, I went to a bridal shower.
Most of the bridal showers I have gone to up until this point in my life were for family and family friends.
Not this one, though.
No, this was for someone I met because we were in the same class in fourth grade.
She voted for me for class president and I loved her hair that was about a mile long.
Her name is Abigail, and when we were juniors in high school she started dating the guy (Josh) with whom she is going to spend the rest of her life.

We spent a lot of time talking about when they were going to get married and we were planning her wedding and asking all kinds of questions.
And then we made a rule that we wouldn't talk about it again until she had the ring on her finger.

One day last summer, we were all (our group of friends that has been together for years) going to a park to take pictures.
We met at Abbi's house to carpool, and while we were there Elyzabeth asked whether Josh had proposed yet.
"NO!" was the very quick response.
My eyes went immediately to her left ring finger.
But she had turned her ring around so I couldn't tell whether it was the promise ring that she had been wearing for a couple years or something new.

We spent a while at the park, and then went to a local ice cream shop.
"So, Elyzabeth, I lied to you earlier."
YES!! Abigail was engaged!!
We screamed and all eyes went to our tables.

We all knew that this day was coming, but even when it did, it didn't quite sink in.
Then I got a text that said "December 18, 2011. Put it on the calendar, cause that's when this girl is getting married!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yes, I still have the message on my phone. Yes, she sent it in February.
It started to get real at that point.
The rest of us started talking about dresses and dates and all that.

And we kept saying "I can't believe that we're old enough to get married."
Granted, Abbi is about six months older than any of the rest of us, and more than a year older than I am.
But still. I've known her since FOURTH GRADE!!
But, she's one of the only people our age who I think is actually ready to get married.
(Much more so than several who are already married.)

So, ask she opened gifts at the shower, I was struck by the fact that, about two months later, she'd be married.
Yes, in two months, Abigail and Josh will have been married for two days.

It's weird. In the best way possible, don't get me wrong.
But this is the girl who loved riding her scooter and had about a thousand Barbies and watched "Shrek" with me about fifty times.
She's all grown up, no longer living with her parents, and making whatever plans you make in the two months before your wedding.

I love this stage of life, and I hate this stage of life. But we're all doing it together.
And I am so thankful for that.

root beer, marshmallows, and fire.

There is a house on campus that is occupied by 13 guys.
They are Campus Safety's favorite people.
That is a false statement.

Tonight, they had their annual Benton House Root Beer Keg Party.
Yep, you read that correctly. A real keg filled with root beer.
"What? It's not real beer? Why even stay?"
For the fun. Duh.

I have been invited every year that I've been at Bethel, but haven't gone.
Until this year. I figured it was about time to have some fun.
So, after we beat Grace in soccer (holla!), Casey and I headed over to the party.
Good life choice.

It was like any college party, I suppose.
Except for the total lack of alcohol.
And it was super fun.

After a while, we went up to the roof, which was a terrifying process for me as I have zero fence climbing skills.
Those on the ground chose that time to begin a marshmallow war.
We were defenseless and without ammo, so we caught what we could and threw them back.
Straight up chaos.

After the madness had died down a bit, we climbed down and sat around the fire pits.
A lot of people had left by this time, and about half of those who were still there lived in the house.
Stuff was burned, including a couple hands.

It got to be 12:15 and I realized that I was the only female still around.
And water balloons were starting to be thrown.
So I left.

But I had a fantastic evening.
I finally felt like I was doing something that upperclassmen do.

And I now really wish I had attempted a keg stand, even though it probably would have been a completely humiliating experience.

If only I had the guts.

"Hi. I just need to start by saying that I never do this.
I never just walk up to a guy that I don't really know and start talking to him.
We aren't even to the point of a nodded greeting yet.
I'm not entirely sure that you even really know my name.
But I need to tell you this.

I have observed you over the past few weeks.
I think that you have some amazing qualities.
Other than being cute and funny, I mean.
You clearly love Jesus.
And you love people and I think that you want to show Jesus to people.
I like that.

For some reason, I am reassured when I see your face.
And I want to see it more often.
I want to get to know you for real.
I don't want to decide yet whether I like you, because that's just not fair.

But seriously, I don't do things like this.
It took everything in me to even say 'hi.'
I don't know what you want to do with this information,
But I needed you to know.

Um. Okay. Bye."

Yeah. If only.