What has happened and what comes next.

That title sounds like this post will be some big dramatic announcement of something that happened recently.
But don't hold your breath.

2011. One of the best and worst years of my life.
What has happened:
Joy.
Confession.
Rejection.
Heartbreak.
Hope.
Travel.
Diagnoses.
Death.
Depression.
Anger.
Bitterness.
Movie marathons.
New house and new roommates.
Stress.
Frustration.
Tension.
Honesty.
Laziness.
Loneliness.
Writing.
Sharing.
Baking. So much baking.
Friendship.
Fear.
Uncertainty.
Grace Church Youth.
Music.
Prayer.
Weddings.
Catching the bouquet.
Family.
Kindle.
Today.

2012.
What comes next:
New year.
Reading.
Knitting.
Baking.
Recipe testing.
New classes.
Writing.
Prayer.
Solitude.
Change.
Compassion.
Uncertainty.
Learning.
Trust.
Weddings.
Finding out.
Planning.
Rejoicing.

"Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes."
["10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)" by Matt Redman.]

This is what I did in England (Part 5: Scotland and heading home)

One of the peacocks at Warwick

22 May 2011


Day 12: Travel Fatigue

York Minster

I am ready to be home. I’m ready for different people and familiar foods, places, habits, TV channels, accents, preaching, etc. I’m ready to tell people about this trip. I’m ready to sleep on my own schedule and in my own bed. I’m ready for time with my best friends and with my family.

After climbing up to Hadrian's Wall

I have been working hard to hide my frustration with people, from our group and the others. I have tried to be a peacemaker. God has given me the ability to see every side of an argument, and I have a tendency to defend anyone who is receiving insult (when they don’t know about it), and this is getting me in trouble.

I’m ready to be with people who get me. I miss my friends who can finish my sentences. I miss laughing with my dad and arguing with my mom.
I’m ready for summer to really start
                       for movie marathons.
                       for lying in the sun.
                       for learning how to play the ukulele.
                       for reading stacks of books.
Thinking about all of this is making it difficult to appreciate these days, but I don’t want to just block it all out.

Dr. Gerber in Scotland

I hope a good night’s sleep helps. I have lots of homework to finish in the next couple of days.

23 May 2011


Day Thirteen: Scotch Mist

I’m feeling better about life today, but I’m more ready to go home. The inclement weather and the fear of delays due to the ash cloud are making me anxious to get on a plane and get away from it. But I only want to do that if I can be assured that there won’t be problems mid-flight.

Right now I’m sitting in the open area on our floor, next to a wall of windows. I’m watching clouds scuttle by and birds fight the wind.

The Elephant House
The birthplace of Harry Potter

It has been a long day. Our tour this morning was less than thrilling, excepting the time when our guide singled me out for muttering. He had been telling a story as we stood outside of Holyroodhouse. It was windy and raining, and I couldn’t hear him so I was talking to the girl next to me about how much more effective it would have been to tell us this while we were on the bus. He pulled me to the front of the group and asked me about whatever he had been talking about. I said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I couldn’t hear you.” Everyone laughed. He said, “Didn’t your mother tell you to listen to what every man says and to believe him?” More laughter. We were special friends for the rest of his time with us.

The dregs of my Elephant House mocha

Homework in the hotel.

Lunch was had at the “Birthplace of Harry Potter,” and I have been in the hotel since then.

24 May 2011


Day Fourteen: Traveling Home

We received a phone call late last night telling us to be ready to load by 2:45am. Krista and I were already planning to have an all-nighter, and the extra early departure solidified that plan. I ended up sleeping for about an hour before getting up and getting my stuff together. I managed to pack everything in the right amount of space, almost a miracle considering how much I brought and how much I bought over the past two weeks.

I climbed on the bus and fell asleep pretty quickly. I woke up around 4am to see the mist and fog over grey-green hills, with the sun just starting to shine through. It was beautiful. Then I started to feel carsick, so I closed my eyes and slept some more.

Now we’re on our way home. I’m sitting comfortably in World Traveller Plus, watching “The King’s Speech.” Characters include previous kings of England, along with a very young Queen Elizabeth II; Wallace Simpson, the American mistress/wife of the latest king’s brother; and Sir Winston Churchill. Thus far, it is a wonderful movie.

The flight is going well, although I’m feeling sick as I always do during flights. We are currently over the north central area of the Atlantic Ocean, but I unfortunately do not have a window seat and cannot see anything out the windows except the wings of the plane.

The past two weeks have been marvelous. I’ve seen and learned and grown. I’ve laughed and cried. I’ve gotten to know some wonderful people, and have realized how much I appreciate those who remained in the States. God has taught me about grace, love, patience, peace, healing tears, rest, joy, and the need to be flexible. He has granted me great patience with all of the things that could have been frustrating. I’m excited to go home and tell my family and friends about this trip, but I might be more excited to show them how I think I’ve changed.

I am so thankful for this trip and for all the hard work that went into it.

Just a few more hours. It’s odd to think that a plane can cross the Atlantic in the same amount of time it takes a coach to drive from Edinburgh to London.

 And now, I’ll return to my movie and perhaps a nap.

This is what I did in England (Part 4)

20 May 2011
Day Eleven: Return to Oxford and onto the Land of the Bard

"Dominus illumina mea."
"The Lord is my light."
The University motto.

Going back to Oxford was like going home. The streets were familiar, the shops were familiar, the Starbucks was familiar.

It was nice to have an official tour of the city, including New College. Our guide clearly knows the city well. She even pointed out several locations that were used in filming the “Harry Potter” movies. I’ll have to look out for them when my best friend and I have our HP marathon next month.

Anne Hathaway's cottage

And then on to Stratford. It’s such a quaint little town, and I can only imagine what it might have been like when Shakespeare lived there. It’s so cool to know that I have now walked in the steps of two of my favorite writers (Lewis and Shakespeare). I have seen their churches and their graves. I love that.

Shakespeare's final resting place

On a more personal and private note, I have now added another country to my list of “Places I’ve Had My Period.” This happens every time I leave the country. I had it on my 2007 trips to Canada and Jamaica. I also had it on my 2005 trip to Hawaii. It just comes at the most inconvenient times, but it’s good to know that my body is working properly. And with all of the walking that we’ve been doing, the cramps haven’t been bad at all.

21 May 2011
Day Twelve: Coffee with Strangers from the Internet

AJ and Melissa Leon are working with the Shakepeare Birthplace Trust’s social media presence. They have helped several important people connected with the Birthplace start blogs and Twitter accounts.

They and my dad somehow found each other online and got to know each other. They even visited my parents on a tour of the States last fall. I’d never met them, but because we were in Stratford, my dad wanted to make sure we connected in something that is called a “Tweet-up” (a meet-up organized on Twitter). We tweeted and texted and finally met at a coffee shop called Box Brownie. They serve the “best coffee in town” along with various pastries. AJ insisted that I try something that I can best describe as a sandwich. It’s a scone that has been split. Each half is spread with jam, and cream is the main filling. The scone is full of dried fruit, the jam is a perfect balance of tart and sweet, and the cream adds the perfect texture. It will definitely be on the menu when I open a bakery.

Shakespeare's Birthplace

Dad writes a devotional blog post every weekday at 300wordsaday.com. AJ reads it religiously, pun intended. He told a local minister about it, and the minister and Dad have talked a bit online. Dad sent a small rock with me and wrote on it “Paul, a tiny altar –Jon.” I was just going to leave it with AJ and Melissa. But, as Providence would have it, Paul and one of the world’s leading Shakespeare scholars, Stanley Wells, were meeting at Box Brownie this morning. I got to meet them both, which was very cool.

I have had opportunities on this trip that I could only dream of.

This is what I did in England (Part 3: London)

15 May 2011


Day Six: Boots +London Walking= SORE FEET!!

One of the intricately carved doors
at Westminster Abbey

It was a bright and sunny morning in Bath. We woke up around 5:15 to get ready to leave for London. Steph didn’t want to get up and when we pressured her she said “I’m gonna go worship with the pagans at Stonehenge.” Krista would not allow this and threw a pillow at her. Eventually we were all up and in the vans, ready to head to London.

Service at Westminster Abbey was beautiful. I’ve sung enough Latin masses to know what to expect. I had no problems staying awake, which surprised me. During the giving of the elements of communion, I thought about going up for a blessing or even to take part. I mean, how cool would it be to say that my first sip of alcohol was in Westminster Abbey!? But if that’s my motivation, then I would be taking communion for bragging rights and not because it was Jesus’ command. That is not okay with me. So I stayed in my seat.

I thoroughly enjoyed our walk to lunch, despite not knowing quite where we were going. We were beginning to get acquainted with the city, something we’ll need in the next few days.

After lunch, Rachelle needed to go pick up her London Pass. We agreed to meet Brent and Evan at the London Eye and five of us headed to Regent Street. After getting all that squared away, Amy, Rachelle, and I went to the Eye. We had agreed to meet between 4:00 and 4:15. The three of us stood and waited for about an hour before we decided to just go on the Eye. We had walked back and forth in the area several times, and the guys were nowhere in sight. They arrived just before we got into our pod and waited while we went around. It was a great ride and gave us an awesome view of the city.

Houses of Parliament

When our ride was finished, we started back in the direction of Westminster, stopping several times to take pictures and to watch people lose their money to young men doing sleight of hand tricks on the bridge.

Dinner was eaten in a Thai restaurant on Queensway, and was delicious.

We made our way back to the hotel and spent the evening relaxing. I discovered that one of the lifts would not go to the first floor, which was horribly frustrating. But the hotel is nice and the room is the perfect size for the three of us.

My biggest regret from the day is that I wore my boots all day. My feet were screaming by the time I got to the room.

16 May 2011


Day Seven: Two Tragedies Mended By a Mocha

Tower of London entrance

Tragedy #1: Tower of London. Bird poop. My head. The four of us (Me, Julie, Rachelle, and Amy) went to the Tower as our first used of our London Passes (henceforth to be called “LPs”). Julie wanted to go on the guided tour, and Amy agreed. Rachelle and I wanted to just walk through. We decided that we would listen for a while and if we didn’t think we’d enjoy it, we’d leave the group. It had been less than five minutes when I felt something hit my head. I thought it might have been a raindrop, but it was likely enough that it had been a bird that I didn’t want to touch it. So I turned to the others and said, “did I just gat rained on or pooped on?” They looked at my hair and said, “it’s poop.” Julie kindly cleaned it out so that it couldn’t be seen, but I was ready to get away from the tour group. The rest of our visit to the Tower was relatively uneventful.

Shortly before the
second tragedy of the day.

Tragedy #2: Thames River. London Bridge. LP. Wind. Rachelle and I wanted to do the “London Bridge Experience,” which gives the history of the Bridge along with an optional haunted house-type walk-through. It took us a while to get to the bridge, and we stopped to take a few pictures as we crossed. We were almost to the South Bank when I pulled my LP out of my purse and had it in my left hand. I was swinging my arms the normal amount for walking when my card caught on my jeans, flipped out of my hand and flew over the side of the bridge and into the Thames. My frustration with myself was beyond words. We went to the ticket office and asked if we could still get in, but they wouldn’t let me without the card.
Starbucks. We went down to the London Bridge Station to take the Tube back. The first thing I noticed was a Starbucks. My thought and words were “Praise Jesus,” because  Starbucks has long been a place where I have found comfort. It was time to head to Queensway for some retail therapy. I found three new scarves for £5 total, a Manchester United scarf for my brother, and a few other gifts.

I repacked my bags, took a shower, ate dinner at Subway, and relaxed for the rest of the evening.

17 May 2011


Day Eight: A New Nickname and Being a Groundling

Brent has decided to call me “LP” in light of my recent trouble with the Thames. I can laugh about it now, because there’s nothing else to do. It wouldn’t be worth going to the place to get a new card, since there are so many free things to do in the city.

Our first adventure of the day was switching hotels with all of our bags on the Tube. My suitcase has become very heavy, plus I have my two carry-ons and my purse. It was an interesting and graceless experience that resulted in a nasty bruise on my leg.

The afternoon was free and we couldn’t use our LPs (for various reasons) so we went to the British Museum. We started in the Ancient Egypt rooms, which were of little interest to me.

Brent texted me at some point to ask what we were doing. I told him that we were doing free things today. His response: “free things like throwing things in the river?” This did not merit a response until I could say it to his face with the appropriate tone.

The Globe Theatre

I was able to find some gifts in the shops at the museum, and then we went on our way. We found a restaurant that sounded like it would be good. We agreed that it was NOT! It was horribly disappointing, and the girl working was quite rude. Amy left a bag of souvenirs under the table. The girl, who cleaned the table while we were still in the restaurant, threw it in the trash. Amy got it out, but it left us marveling at the rudeness of many people we’d met.

As You Like It has long been one of my favorite Shakespeare plays, but I hadn’t seen it until tonight. I know that Hamlet was an option at one point, and although it would have been great to see, standing for its entirety would have been the end of me. I thoroughly enjoyed being a Groundling, though. Both for the experience and for the bragging rights.

The awesome band at Windsor.

18 May 2011


Day Nine: New People and a New Musical.

This was an interesting day. We have joined the other groups, who will certainly prove to be entertaining. Many of our fellow travelers are quite loud and rude, and a bit offensive.

Kids outside Buckingham Palace
coming from a cricket match or practice.

Our visit to Windsor Castle was fun! I enjoyed the Changing of the Guard and listening to the band play such songs as the “Star Wars” theme, The Beatles’ “Eleanor Rigby,” Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and the theme from “Hawaii Five-O.”

I wasn’t terribly interested in the inside, other than thinking about all the people who had walked there before me. The history interests me, but I can learn it at home. I value the fact that I can now connect with it more personally.

The bus tour was certainly informational. Our guide made a few offensive jokes, but I realize that a) he comes from a place with a lower moral standard than that to which we are accustomed and b) we cannot hold everyone to the standards to which we hold ourselves and our Christian brothers and sisters. I did not like his behavior and I’m not excusing it, but I must show grace because grace is what I have been given.

Outside the Apollo Victoria
after seeing "Wicked."

We had dinner at the Bear and Staff, one of several Nicholson’s Pubs. As we were eating upstairs in the Chaplin Room, we looked out the windows to see that the rain had picked up, much to our dismay.

After dinner, we rejoined the group and made our way to the Apollo Theatre to see “Wicked. A New Musical.” The “new musical” bit has been a part of the title since the show opened a few years ago. This is the best production I’ve seen out of three. A few of the characters could have been better developed and performed, but Elphaba was done perfectly.

This was a good day, overall.

19 May 2011


Day Ten: Past, Present, and Future
Today started at the Natural History Museum. We spent a couple hours in the “Blue Zone” which starts with dinosaurs. As I’ve said several times, I’m not a fan of ancient history, but I did get to take some great photos.

I just think this
little guy is so cute.

The next section was mammals. Not so great for photography, but interesting anyway.

Some of this journal has been removed due to its revealing information
that does not need to be revealed yet.

After we left, we were all ready to find some lunch. Unfortunately, there isn’t much around the museum. We hopped on a bus without really knowing where it was going, but eventually we saw some restaurants, got off, and had delicious waffles and crepes for lunch and dessert.

Outside the Dominion Theatre
after seeing "We Will Rock You."

After lunch we found our way to the Victoria & Albert and walked around for a while. I found more gifts for myself and for friends.

Rachelle and I left Julie and Amy to head back to the hotel to get ready to go see “We Will Rock You.” They had some interesting adventures for the next couple of hours.


The show was AMAZING!! Our seats were wonderful, the cast was incredible, the music was delightful, and the script was overall hilarious. We’re both glad we went. I would have been rather upset if I hadn’t made it happen, because I wouldn’t have another chance.

This is what I did in England (Part 2)

13 May 2011
Day Four: SIM Card Success and Sacred Spring
After battling the vans with the luggage, we set off for Bath this morning. As soon as we got moving steadily, I fell asleep. I think the excitement of being here has finally given way to jet lag. Along the way, we stopped at a service area. The first storefront was a phone store that had exactly what I needed. Hearing my parents voices tonight was wonderful. It was definitely worth missing dinner with everyone.

Bath Abbey

I’m finally convinced that I’m not in the States. The architecture here in Bath is so amazing. I love that the shops are just cut out of the old buildings, rather than built separately. I’ve noticed that everywhere. The country seems to embrace the history that it has, rather than pushing for total modernity.

I had been looking forward to our visit to Stratford. My parents have friends who are working at the Birthplace, and I was hoping to meet up with them. But we have a couple days there next week, and we all have each others’ phone numbers, so I’m hoping we can make something work.

I’m glad to add two more Christian heroes to the list of those whose steps I’ve walked in. I’m definitely glad we went to Bristol. (We went to the New Room, the church of John and Charles Wesley.)

One of the pools at the Baths

I wasn’t at all sure of what to expect at the Baths. I’m not much of a fan of ancient history, because it’s so difficult to connect with. There are so few solid facts and everything is so deteriorated that I find it difficult to imagine what it would have been like thousands of years ago. I’m not a fan of speculation. Now, I appreciate the contributions of the Roman Empire. I just don’t care so much about their worship of Minerva or the curses they wrote on pieces of lead. That doesn’t help me much.

14 May 2011

Stonehenge

Day Five: A Fancy Pile of Rocks and a Bunch of Dead Folks
More ancient history with even more mystery. I’ve always wanted to visit Stonehenge, but once I realized that we couldn’t get close to it I was a bit disappointed. And when we got there I was unimpressed. I thought it would be bigger. And I get so frustrated with all the speculation and stories of what it might have been used for. But I’m glad that I can now say that I’ve been there.

The trash can outside the gelato place.
Part of one of my favorite inside jokes.

At the gift shop, I was getting ready to buy a sweat shirt when I realized that I didn’t have my debit card. It wasn’t in my wallet or purse. But I didn’t panic. I was pretty sure I’d left it in the pocket of the pants I wore yesterday. (And I mean “pants” in the American sense.) I had brought it out to pay for ice cream last night, but the place only took cash. I only vaguely remembered putting it into my back pocket, but it was enough remembrance to keep me from completely flipping out.

I am not yet a fan of Jane Austen, no doubt from being forced to read Pride and Prejudice in high school, so I was apathetic about visiting her house. I wandered aimlessly through the rooms and only took a few pictures. The gift shop had mugs with Mr. Darcy (Colin Firth, the only Darcy there can ever be) on them, along with one of his quotes. I bought that and £2 copies of Emma and Mansfield Park. I want to justify my dislike of Austen or be converted to a fan. I’m adding the books to my reading list for the summer.

Unfortunately, I left my camera in the van when we got out at Winchester Cathedral, but I still enjoyed walking through. I’ll have to rely on Evan and Stephanie’s pictures, which are often like those that I would take.

In our adventures in Winchester, we came upon the “Oldest Bar in England,” founded in 1002. We went in, but we’d already eaten so we didn’t stay.

The most beautiful rainbow of my life.

When we got back to the YMCA, I checked my pants from last night and, sure enough, the card was there.

Oh yeah, and we got super lost on our way back to Bath. But I fell asleep, so I ddn’t really notice. But when we finally got back, there was the most incredible rainbow I’ve seen in my life. It was a double and the lower arch showed the full range of color and seemed to be made of several layers. It was amazing!

This is what I did in England (Part 1)

I've decided that it's time to post my journals from my trip to England. We were there seven months ago.
I want to go back more than I can say. I miss it more than makes sense for a two-week trip.
Part of that might be because it was the last part of my summer that was really good.
But anyway.
For the next few days, I'm going to post a few days worth of journals.
First up: Travel; Oxford


10 May 2011

Day One: Travel Day
I don’t usually get worried/anxious/nervous about leaving home. I’ve been to Hawaii, Jamaica, Florida, St. Louis, and West Virginia, not to mention college, without my parents in the past six years. But I’ve been freaking out about this trip for several weeks. Why?

-I have a tendency to blow through money without realizing it. I know how much of a problem this is but it’s become such a habit that I have to work really hard to remember to think about each purchase.

-My most recent flight was terrible. We were just above a storm and the turbulence was awful. I was scared for the first time in my flying career. My choir director, who was leading the trip, said that it was nothing compared to her trip to Europe. I didn’t want to be scared during a flight again, especially over the ocean.

-I’m not close friends with anyone on the trip. And I’m rarely motivated to care about deepening friendships. I’m just fine doing things on my own, especially when traveling. But on a trip like this, it’s important to become close with the rest of the group. I don’t want to seem like a jerk.

BUT. The van ride to the airport was fine. We had a good time talking about things we’re looking forward to and what we had done to prepare.

AND. The flight has been fine. I watched “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader,” which was almost nothing like the book but was a decent movie nonetheless.



I’m excited to land and get started on this adventure.

11 May 2011

Day Two: Wanderings in Oxford with Jet Lag
Today we all fought our exhaustion as we wandered about Oxford. I was feeling fine until we sat down for Evensong. Usually, if I keep moving or talking to people, I can stay awake, but as soon as I stop doing anything, it’s all I can do to keep my eyes open.

I’m still trying to convince myself that I’m in England. The people don’t look any different from any I’ve seen before, the landscapes I’ve seen look like Pennsylvania and New York, and the flora and fauna is so similar that I could be anywhere in the States.
Of course, there are differences.

-Driving on the left. I’ve been to Jamaica, so it’s not completely new to me. And Brent has done it so much that I’m not worried at all. I guess the major differences are the lack of square blocks and all of the roundabouts. Plus the cyclists and pedestrians. I’d be so scared to try to drive. No one seems to care about running into anyone. As a fast walker and an intense city walker, I love this. I walk around people and weave through crowds like it’s my job. I refuse to get slowed down by someone in front of me walking slowly. I do this in hallways, on sidewalks at BC, and especially in Chicago. When I’m with a group, though, it becomes a bit of a problem. I’m learning patience.

-The cuisine. There seems to be no such thing as a light meal. I haven’t been very hungry, as my digestive system has not yet adjusted, so the large portions and greasy fish have been difficult to handle.

-I haven’t noticed many differences in vocabulary, but sometimes word usage seems simplified from American English. I’ve had to think carefully about money and the exchange rate, but I haven’t had much chance to spend. Everything seems to close pretty early.

Christ Church College

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. C.S. Lewis has long been one of my favorite authors/philosophers/
apologists, a love that my dad and I share, so visiting his home will be very special. Dad has told me several times that he is jealous of me. It will also be fun to wander in Oxford for a while.

12 May 2011

Day Two: Heroes of Different Kinds
This was a wonderful day. We were all much more awake and could better appreciate the things we saw.

Blenheim Palace

Blenheim Palace was magnificent. I wish we’d had more time to explore the grounds, but the house itself was incredible. As a photographer, I could appreciate the symmetry of the architecture, even though I rarely take centered shots. I wish we’d been able to take photos inside during the tour, but I know that the memories will last.

The Kilns was one of the places that I’d been looking forward to the most, and was the thing that Dad was most jealous of. He is something of a Lewis scholar, even team-teaching a Lewis course for a while. It was so strange to think that we walked paths that Jack and Warnie walked, stood in the place where Narnia was first put to paper, and looked out the window that Jack probably looked out just before he died. I took dozens of pictures to show Dad.

One of the last sights C.S. Lewis saw

In one day we stood in the room where Winston Churchill, the great wartime leader, was born, and the room where C.S. Lewis, soldier in more ways than one, died. A hero of country and a hero of faith, so geographically close to each other yet so different.

Our furthered adventures in Oxford proved to be a bit frustrating. All of the shops close around 5pm, so we didn’t have much time. I’m looking for a Lycamobile SIM card so I can use my phone to call my parents. I emailed them tonight but that’s just not enough. I want to hear their voices from across the ocean and speak into my own house. I’ve wanted to text them so many times to tell them what we’ve been doing. I’ve gotten so used to that that it’s almost second nature to reach for my phone. I hope I’m able to find the card in the next few days.

Tomorrow: Bath, Stonehenge, Jane Austen's house, Winchester Cathedral

Christmas List 2011

Yes, I'm doing this again.
Mostly because it tells my parents what I want and why I want it.
And it gives you, my readers, a chance to prove how much you love me.
Don't feel obligated.

1. Kindle Touch 3G. I think. I've come to the conclusion that it would be more practical for carrying around than all of my books, and it would be so much cooler to pull out in class. And the features for the Touch 3G sound amazing.

2. A new computer. Or for my computer to miraculously work again. I can't open iTunes, Chrome, or Spotify, and I can't leave it on and unused for very long without it freezing. It's getting very annoying.

3. Cake decorating supplies like pastry bags, tips, sprinkles, sparkles, dragees, etc. I have a wedding to bake for next summer and I want to do it right.

4. Knitting needles. I can only work on one project at a time right now, and that is not gonna work for much longer.

5. This Is Not A Book, by Keri Smith. Smith has a whole series of non-traditional journals that I love. Each page gives instructions that cause the reader to be creative and fun.

6. Flour, sugar, eggs, oil, milk, cream, butter, cream cheese, salt, baking soda, baking powder, espresso powder, peanut butter, high-quality chocolate. Really, anything I will need to test recipes for the wedding. A lot of it.

7. Send animals through Heifer International.

8. Plane tickets to London for February 26-March 3. Melisa is going to be at Oxford next semester and I want to visit her. And go back to the country that still has my heart.

9. A way to get to Portland, OR and a place to stay once I get there. July.

10. A car.

11. A knife set. Not in a wooden block.

This is not an exhaustive list.
And it's really selfish.
Except for the animals thing.
But this is my blog, so I'll post what I want.
Better post coming soon.

old notecards

About six months ago I sat at SG, planning to do homework but getting distracted.
I was thinking too much.
I was searching for anything to do that meant I didn't have to do homework.
So I pulled out my Crayola Twistables Colored Pencils and a stack of 3x5 cards.
I started writing, sketching, journaling, confessing, dreaming.
I was angry at boys but still wanted to love them.
I was confused.
I was hurting and broken after a long couple of months.

My friend Brian came over and talked to me.
I let him read the cards and he gave me some good, practical advice.
And then I put the cards back into my bag and didn't think about them.

I pull them out occasionally and laugh at the things I was thinking.
But they remind me of my hurt and frustration.
I looked at them a few minutes ago.
I was reminded of my appreciation for a friend who came into my life at just the right moment.
I was reminded of what I thought was love for another friend who is not really a friend.
I was reminded of the confusion of that time.

"Too many thoughts to decide
which ones to write down.
Too little certainty to think
about anything for too long.
Too much heartache to hope
for my cloudy mind to clear.
Too near to him to let any-
thing show or to even speak.
Too much love that is not really
love to know what is really real."
4-25-11

Oh, that night.
Oh, this night of honesty.
Oh, frustration.

Sometimes my history books make me laugh.

"The assumption is twofold: the American female was supposed to be so infinitely lovable and provocative that a healthy male could barely control himself when in the same room with her, and the same girl, as she "conies out" of the cocoon of her family's protectiveness, is so palpitating with undirected affection, so filled to the brim with tender feelings, that she fixes her love on the first person she sees. She awakes from the midsummer night's dream of adolescence, and it is the responsibility of her family and society to see that her eyes fall on a suitable match and not some clown with the head of an ass. They do their part by such restrictive measures as segregated (by sex and/or class) schools, dancing classes, travel, and other external controls. She is required to exert the inner control of obedience. The combination forms a kind of societal chastity belt which is not unlocked until the marriage partner has arrived, and adolescence is formally over."

-Barbara Welter
Quoted in Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States

Why do I write?

I write because I need affirmation.
I write because I want people to know who I am.
I write because I have something to say and I do not have a natural platform from which to say it.

I write when I cannot speak the words out loud.
I write for healing.
I write to understand my thoughts and to help others understand my thoughts.

I write because I have to.
I write because I can.
I write because I get lost in my thoughts unless I can see them.

I write because I am narcissistic.
I write because sometimes it's the only way I know how to deal with my life.
I write because it's part of who I am and where I've come from.

I write because sometimes, I feel like there are no words.
But when I write, they appear.

When did we get so old?

I suppose "old" isn't quite the right word.
More like "grown up" or "far along in life."

I was home last weekend for Fall Break.
On Saturday, I went to a bridal shower.
Most of the bridal showers I have gone to up until this point in my life were for family and family friends.
Not this one, though.
No, this was for someone I met because we were in the same class in fourth grade.
She voted for me for class president and I loved her hair that was about a mile long.
Her name is Abigail, and when we were juniors in high school she started dating the guy (Josh) with whom she is going to spend the rest of her life.

We spent a lot of time talking about when they were going to get married and we were planning her wedding and asking all kinds of questions.
And then we made a rule that we wouldn't talk about it again until she had the ring on her finger.

One day last summer, we were all (our group of friends that has been together for years) going to a park to take pictures.
We met at Abbi's house to carpool, and while we were there Elyzabeth asked whether Josh had proposed yet.
"NO!" was the very quick response.
My eyes went immediately to her left ring finger.
But she had turned her ring around so I couldn't tell whether it was the promise ring that she had been wearing for a couple years or something new.

We spent a while at the park, and then went to a local ice cream shop.
"So, Elyzabeth, I lied to you earlier."
YES!! Abigail was engaged!!
We screamed and all eyes went to our tables.

We all knew that this day was coming, but even when it did, it didn't quite sink in.
Then I got a text that said "December 18, 2011. Put it on the calendar, cause that's when this girl is getting married!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yes, I still have the message on my phone. Yes, she sent it in February.
It started to get real at that point.
The rest of us started talking about dresses and dates and all that.

And we kept saying "I can't believe that we're old enough to get married."
Granted, Abbi is about six months older than any of the rest of us, and more than a year older than I am.
But still. I've known her since FOURTH GRADE!!
But, she's one of the only people our age who I think is actually ready to get married.
(Much more so than several who are already married.)

So, ask she opened gifts at the shower, I was struck by the fact that, about two months later, she'd be married.
Yes, in two months, Abigail and Josh will have been married for two days.

It's weird. In the best way possible, don't get me wrong.
But this is the girl who loved riding her scooter and had about a thousand Barbies and watched "Shrek" with me about fifty times.
She's all grown up, no longer living with her parents, and making whatever plans you make in the two months before your wedding.

I love this stage of life, and I hate this stage of life. But we're all doing it together.
And I am so thankful for that.

root beer, marshmallows, and fire.

There is a house on campus that is occupied by 13 guys.
They are Campus Safety's favorite people.
That is a false statement.

Tonight, they had their annual Benton House Root Beer Keg Party.
Yep, you read that correctly. A real keg filled with root beer.
"What? It's not real beer? Why even stay?"
For the fun. Duh.

I have been invited every year that I've been at Bethel, but haven't gone.
Until this year. I figured it was about time to have some fun.
So, after we beat Grace in soccer (holla!), Casey and I headed over to the party.
Good life choice.

It was like any college party, I suppose.
Except for the total lack of alcohol.
And it was super fun.

After a while, we went up to the roof, which was a terrifying process for me as I have zero fence climbing skills.
Those on the ground chose that time to begin a marshmallow war.
We were defenseless and without ammo, so we caught what we could and threw them back.
Straight up chaos.

After the madness had died down a bit, we climbed down and sat around the fire pits.
A lot of people had left by this time, and about half of those who were still there lived in the house.
Stuff was burned, including a couple hands.

It got to be 12:15 and I realized that I was the only female still around.
And water balloons were starting to be thrown.
So I left.

But I had a fantastic evening.
I finally felt like I was doing something that upperclassmen do.

And I now really wish I had attempted a keg stand, even though it probably would have been a completely humiliating experience.

If only I had the guts.

"Hi. I just need to start by saying that I never do this.
I never just walk up to a guy that I don't really know and start talking to him.
We aren't even to the point of a nodded greeting yet.
I'm not entirely sure that you even really know my name.
But I need to tell you this.

I have observed you over the past few weeks.
I think that you have some amazing qualities.
Other than being cute and funny, I mean.
You clearly love Jesus.
And you love people and I think that you want to show Jesus to people.
I like that.

For some reason, I am reassured when I see your face.
And I want to see it more often.
I want to get to know you for real.
I don't want to decide yet whether I like you, because that's just not fair.

But seriously, I don't do things like this.
It took everything in me to even say 'hi.'
I don't know what you want to do with this information,
But I needed you to know.

Um. Okay. Bye."

Yeah. If only.

hugs and words.

1. I don't initiate hugs very often.

It's not that I don't like them, it's just a part of my insecurities.
And I haven't been around many huggy people for the past couple of weeks.
I have gone full days without a hug.
The problem is, physical contact is important to mental health.

2. I like being told that I am good at something.
I like being told that I'm pretty.
I like being told that I'm talented.
I like being validated.
I know that I have value regardless of what people say about me, but it's good to know that others realize that value.

3. I took the Five Love Languages Assessment for Singles last night.
Not surprisingly, Words of Affirmation was my highest score (10/12).
But physical touch was one of the lowest (4/12).
I think that this is because of the way the questions were phrased, but I still find it strange.
(Receiving Gifts was the second highest at 8/12, Quality Time came in at 6/12, and Acts of Service was the lowest score at 2/12.)

4. Another thing I noticed about the assessment was that I give love in very different ways than I receive it.
I don't like it when people do things for me: I gladly do things for others and for myself.
And I'm not very good at giving gifts or making an effort to spend time with people.

This is one of those informational/journal-esque posts.
Take it however you want.

Dinner Party

On Saturday I got up around 10:00.
I took a shower and then jumped right into making dinner.

After several requests for food, I decided that I was going to make a big dinner this weekend.
I invited a bunch of people, but not all of them came.
That ended up being a very good thing, because we would have completely run out of food.

I decided on a menu of BBQ chicken pizza, salad, and a dessert.
I made a wild decision to make lemon bars. I had never made them before and didn't know how they'd be received. I'll get back to that.

This morning started with the filling for the bars (I made the crust the night before).
While they were in the oven, I made pizza dough.
A real project, that was. I figured I needed enough to feed 15 people, so I made the recipe in two separate bowls at the same time but could only bake one at a time.
I stacked them and left them for the afternoon.

By this time it was 2:00.

Brok was visiting Luke and Kevin and they were in the Acorn.
So I went over there to finally eat lunch and hang out.
We went to the first half of the soccer game and then decided to go get bubble tea.
Pineapple-Green Tea with tapioca pearls and jellies. I recommend it.

When we got back to campus, Casey (whose new nickname is Queso) needed to get stuff from Brok's truck, and Brok wanted to see our house (specifically the crawlspace).
While we were standing the the Oakwood/Slater parking lot, Keelan joined us.
Queso was giving Brok a tour of the house and Kevin, Keelan and I were talking about dinner.
I told them that I had made lemon bars
WHAT!?!
Lemon bars are Keelan and Kevin's favorite dessert. That fact was enough to make my day.
YES! They'd be well-received!
And to make me really nervous. Like I said before, I had never tried to make lemon bars before, so I didn't know how they'd turned out.
It was my Great-Grammy Swanson's recipe, doubled.
The ended up being pretty delicious, albeit not very lemony.
I'll adjust that next time.

Anywho, we got back a little before 6:00, so I had an hour to put the pizzas together, cut the lemon bars, prep the salad, change, and do a quick-clean of the living room and my desk.

I looked very cute for my very first dinner party.
And we had a great time.
But I need a new pizza crust recipe.

I am so thankful for new and old friends and for food and for laughter and for living in a house with a full kitchen and for my Great-Grammy Swanson and for Ben Rector and for soccer games and for bubble tea and for busy Saturdays that I can now look back on and smile.

Oh yeah, and I am now Auntie Hope. Like, AWHN-tee.
Yeah. I'm thankful for that, too.

"boys might be coming over."

That announcement is made almost every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday in our house.

Two weeks and two days ago, I visited Oakwood to find my friends Luke and Kevin.
I ended up meeting their friends Keelan and Christian, among others.
I had made cupcakes and I invited them over.
They didn't come that night.
I made more cupcakes on Saturday and they all came over on Sunday.

Boy, did they get more than cupcakes.
We had them move our entertainment center, beast of a thing, and wedge our TV into it.
And then Kevin discovered a trapdoor in one of our hall closets.

So Casey, Melisa, Keelan, and I explored.
The door leads to a crawlspace that goes under our entire house, North and South sides.
It's all sand and spider webs and probably the skunk that hangs out around the house.
We had a great time down there, tormenting our neighbors by pounding on their floor, taking pictures, and just sitting in the dark and dirtiness.
We also found some old newspapers and books and other assorted junk.
A song was written about this adventure.
If we're facebook friends, or you're friends with Casey, you can check it out.

I don't think any boys came over last weekend, because it was a weird weekend of most of us being gone.

But there were guys here every night this weekend.

Friday, after the soccer game, Luke, Christian, and a guy named Jeremy came over and we and Casey watched 'Transformers."
It was the first time I'd seen it.
And I didn't really pay attention, so I don't get it at all.

Last night, I went to dinner with a group of friends that included to guys.
We came back here for a brownie-marshmallow dessert that I had made.
(That's part of the reason why the guys came over on Friday, too.)

And tonight Kevin, Keelan, Christian, and Sean came over for the mocha cupcakes I made this afternoon.

It's just fun to have boys over, especially these ones.
They're smart, they're funny, no one's trying to impress anyone else.
It's just a good time for all of us.
And it includes baked goods, so everyone's happy.

But I have a tip jar now, in order to fund my habit. :-)

Next weekend, I'm making dinner.

Labor Day Weekend.

I was sitting at a wedding a week ago.
It was the only reason I went home for Labor Day.
I came back on Sunday, not taking advantage of an extra day to spend with my friends and family.

I had a couple hours with a few of my friends from home.
I had some time with my parents.
It was a good weekend.

On Sunday, the International Student Fellowship had a cook-out to kick off the school year.
No, I am not an international student. But the ISF welcomes other students so that we can all teach each other about our various cultures.
We had a great time.
I don't remember what else I did on Sunday.
Homework, maybe?
I went to Shupe and watched about half of "The Princess and the Frog."
And slept on our couch, but I'm not sure why.

Monday was a delight.
I slept until at least 10:00, lounged around for a couple hours, made tacos for my lunch, and then came over to SG.
(That's where I am right now, of course.)
Melisa and I talked and did homework and watched people work at the store next door for a couple hours.
Back to the house, then to the Acorn, then to downtown South Bend with Casey.
The three of us wanted to go to the South Bend Chocolate Cafe.
It was closed, because it was Labor Day. Duh.
So we wandered around taking pictures. It was a bit ridiculous. And incredibly fun.

Grocery store, movie night, more homework, sleep.

It was a fantastic and refreshing weekend.

the third time is not always the charm.

I am a relatively honest blogger.
I've realized that there is no point in hiding everything from my readers, even if they live in Germany.
(I still wonder who my German readers might be.)
So I applied to blog for my college.
Part of the application was a sample post.

Here's what I wrote:

"A fresh start. A clean slate. A new beginning.

That’s my approach to this school year.

After the summer that I’ve had, it’s the only option.

I’m living in a campus house with a group of people I don’t know very well, without the obligations I had last year.

I can’t wait to jump into a new routine with new classes and new opportunities.

But it’s not without apprehension.

I’m a junior, so I should have some idea of what I’m going to do after graduation, right?

Well, not really.

Get a job?

Get married (difficult, because I’m thoroughly single)?

Go to grad school?

Go to culinary school?

I don’t know.

So I’m going to explore my options and try new things.

And I hope you come along with me on this journey."

I didn't get the job.

And I'm sure that there are many reasons why those who did get the job got it and why I didn't, other than for this particular writing sample, but I'm a little upset.

My dad says that this post is too honest.

And I suppose I understand that.

But I'm feeling a little under-appreciated when it comes to my writing.

This is a really good post.

And I have some pretty impressive marketing skills.

I could sell this college if I had to.

I have applied for this gig three times now.

And have received the same rejection email.

(In fact, this year's was not updated to accommodate for the new school year.)

I wanted it.

I wanted to get paid to talk about my life at school.

I have hilarious stories to tell.

And I can tell them well, while shedding a positive light on the college.

That's what I did as a tour guide.

But I'd get to sit behind a computer instead of talking to an actual person.

So, I'm going to talk more about life at Bethel on the blog this year.

I'm going to bring y'all on my journey.

I'm going to start using tags on my posts.

But right now, I'm going to bed.

Melisa and I are going to Starbucks tomorrow, because it's the first day of Pumpkin Spice.

Then I have tennis class, ten minutes, and then US History.

I will sit in a corner and drink my latte quietly, trying to keep my sweaty stench from spreading through the lecture hall.

Pleasant, right.

Good night, readers.

Life Update August 2011

So, I haven't been very biographical when it comes to my posts lately, other than the series.
This is an update between the end of sophomore year and now (the beginning of junior year).

May: Spent a week and a half at home before crossing the Atlantic to spend two weeks in Great Britain. That will be a series of posts sometime. In short, it was amazing.
Came home and got some sad news.

June: Celebrated my Grandma Swanson's 80th birthday with our whole family.
Grandpa Swanson went into the hospital.
Grandma Swanson stayed with us for a weekend.
Grandpa Swanson died.
We went to Illinois for the visitation and funeral.
We went to Wisconsin for the graveside service and funeral.

July: My parents spent a week in Texas and Oklahoma for Missionary Church General Conference.
I spent that week alone in our house, carrying a knife with me every time I went upstairs.
I worked with our youth group.
I led worship on Thursday nights for our college group.
I was numb.
I was infatuated.
I was weary.

August: Repeat most of July.
Harry Potter marathon.
School.

And here we are at a new chapter.
Childhood has ended.
The reality of mortality has finally struck my heart and mind.
I have learned and I am learning.
I have grown and I am growing.
I am trusting and leaning and surrendering.

And that is a glimpse at how my life is right now.

Also, I'm sitting on our window sill breathing the night air, listening to Adele and cicadas and the cars on Logan St., smelling the cupcakes I made today, wishing I didn't have so much reading to do for classes, and waiting for friends to come over.

"The Church"

I am guilty of much of what I'm about to talk about.
I acknowledge this and I am trying to change.

The other night I was with a group of people. One of them shared that he had recently talked to a group of strangers about their experiences in "the church." For all of them, "the church" had been a negative experience. They said that "the church" was full of people who were nit-picky and pushed others away for not being perfect. My friend was so upset by this.

I think that many "church people" are upset by the "world's" view of "the church."
But we forget that we are a part of "the church."
We forget that it is "the church's" responsibility to show people Jesus Christ.
And that is not nit-picky.
God wants people to respond to His love.
People won't respond to His love unless it is shown to them.
And it is not shown unless it is unconditional.
Salvation comes before sanctification.
Salvation is for all.

The goal of Christianity is the peaceful annihilation of all other religions.
"The church" has turned itself into a religion. We have turned perfection into a religion because it is what we expect of ourselves.
And, I think, it is what God wants of us. (He knows that it is impossible, but that is why He gives us grace and mercy.)
But we as Christians cannot hold everyone to the standards to which we hold ourselves.
And we cannot forget that not everyone grows or learns in the same way and on the same timeline.
It is unfair for us to expect a non-Christian to understand that their sin is something that should be eradicated.
And baby Christians cannot be expected to immediately drop every sinful habit.
Dropping sinful habits is a part of sanctification.
And sanctification is a process.

But I think that we as "the church" don't always remember this.
At least not in American culture, where we expect everything to happen instantly.

We are "the church" that we so often criticize.
Let's stop criticizing and start changing.
Let's show love the way Jesus did.
Let's not be afraid to eat with tax collectors and sinners.

Let's show that "the church" knows that God is the judge and we are not.

highs and lows of this month.

highs:
-finishing my summer of working in a warehouse. (I had a great experience there, but it was time to be done.)
-celebrating one of my dearest friends who starts a new chapter in December when she marries the love of her life.
-finishing a Harry Potter movie marathon.
-shopping to live in a house.
-returning to school.
-cooking spaghetti for my friend Bri.
          -acting like a helicopter mom while Bri does homework. (she is sitting on our couch right now.)

lows:
Um. I can't really think of any major tragedies.
Except for the end of serious crushes.
So,
-realizing how much time I have spent on things that don't matter.


And thus ends the 30 day blogging challenge.
I've accomplished this.
And I suppose that counts as a high for the month.

days 28 and 29.

"Something that you miss."


Childhood.

I miss the days when I could pretend that I'd never grow up.
I miss the days when I didn't have to deal with real problems.
I miss the days when I didn't know that electricity and water cost money.
I miss the days when I didn't know about all of the horrible things that happen in the world.

I miss the days when I didn't know that friends and family could die.
I miss the days when I thought sickness only happened in other people's families.
I miss the days when I didn't think anything would ever happen to me.
I miss innocence.

"Goals for the next 30 days."


1. Get up at 7:00am for MWF classes, 9:00am for Tuesdays, and 10:00am for Thursdays.
2. Use all 10 meal swipes every week.
3. Keep my desk, closet, etc. organized.
4. Actually make an effort when it comes to schoolwork, friendships, etc.

And tonight I will write the last post in this series.