something I Stumbled Upon.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"  I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost!  That's why I chose this way"

When I say, "I am a Christian,"  I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide

When I say, "I am a Christian,"  I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, "I am a Christian,"  I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it

When I say, "I am a Christian,"  I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name

When I say, "I am a Christian,"  I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved


Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer

for Faith, on her birthday.

twenty-one.
it's the winning score in Black Jack,
but gambling is against the rules.
it's the legal drinking age,
but that's not allowed, either.

so, how will your life change this year?
what will you make different?

you get to decide.
you have twenty-one for 365 days.
what will you do with it?
twenty-two will come sooner than you think.

live well this year.
love your life.
work hard.
pray often.
trust Him.

happy birthday, friend.
thanks for letting me be a part of it.

weddings.

Lately I've been thinking about my wedding a lot more than is healthy. I know that I want my bridal party to dance to "Save the Last Dance for Me" (the Michael Buble version). I want to get married in October so we can dance to "Moondance" and have it make sense. Also, I'm pretty sure that I want to wear my mom's dress and it has sleeves, so the thought of a summer wedding is not exactly thrilling. I've thought vaguely about flowers and colors and bridesmaids and their dresses and a honeymoon and as long as we both shall live. I know that this isn't fair to the other half of "we," but I just want this part of my future to show up.

Why am I thinking about weddings if I don't have a boyfriend? Because my research paper partner is getting married in about a month, my brother is getting married in about seven months, and my roommate is getting married in a little more than four years. And there are several other engaged couples on campus and at home. I want to be a part of this. I can't help but be jealous. Part of it, I think, is not wanting to have a long engagement. I want to know that "we're" getting married for a long time before there's a ring on my finger. I want to have my wedding planned so I can just drag and drop the guy God has for me into the mental pictures. This makes it sound like I'm very impersonal about it. This is simply not true. I know that there is a guy out there somewhere who will love me even if I have our entire wedding planned. Actually, he'll love me extra for not making him do much for the wedding. (I've learned things from the conversations I've heard between Andrew and Allie.)

I think I'll feel better about all of this when I stop avoiding dating. I just want to get excited about going out with a guy. But I will not enter a dating relationship casually. I have very specific standards, and I will not change them for anyone.

I'm not sure why I'm posting all of this for all the world to see, but I guess it's not a completely private matter. If you feel that you've wasted your time by reading this, well, I'd say that it's your own fault. Stop reading now. I'm certainly going to stop writing now, and hope that the neighbors' alarm stops going off so I can sleep.

good night,
Hope

my rings.

I have loved wearing rings for years. I'm not sure why, I just know that my fingers feel naked without them.
(although, I like the look of my bare fingers sometimes. I haven't worn nail polish much since August.)
I wear three rings that have significance to me and my life.

Purity Ring: this is fairly obvious. I'm not going to have sex before I am married, and I will only have sex with my husband. God gave me my body. it is the temple of the Holy Spirit. I will not allow it to be defiled.

Hearts: this ring has taken on meaning in the past few months. my post about not dating and the process that got me to that point was difficult. but I believe that God has a man for me. He will show him to me in His own time. for now, God is enough. the ring reminds me that I will find him someday and we will fall in love. like, real love. with God at the center.

The Rock: I have a ring that looks like the engagement ring I want someday. I got it at Walmart for about $9. it's beautiful, even though it's tarnishing right now. I am obsessed with the idea of a beautiful wedding when the bride of Christ (the Church) will be united for Eternity with her Bridegroom. it might just be a metaphor, but I like to believe that it will be real. I have such a vivid picture in my mind of that moment. I imagine a door being opened and uniting with all the believers in walking down the aisle to meet Jesus. I am so excited for that day. I wrote a song about it. I believe that it will be glorious.

so, that's what my rings are about.
I also have a mood ring that I move around between my right thumb and my index fingers. it's what I do when I'm bored.

thanks for reading.

trusting God and dropping Spanish.

In the past couple of days I have struggled with lining up my plan for my life with God's plan for my life. Pastor Seth's sermon on Sunday was about surrender, as described by the second line of the Lord's Prayer: "Your kingdom come, Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven." Lindsey's chapel sermon yesterday was also about surrender and trust, and this morning at Bible study we were talking about Esther and the incredible about of trust she must have had in God that gave her the courage to go before the king.

For the past two months, I have been baking and sharing the food with anyone who wanted it. On Saturday night Jamie was at Antigone. She had asked me to get her laundry out of the dryer for her. I decided to go one step further and put it away. The next afternoon, I was doing my own laundry, realizing how much I don't mind it. I have always had maternal tendencies, and have felt more mature than people my age typically are. I began to wonder whether God's plan for me actually included a career, or was just for me to stay at home with my children (when I have them. after I get married.). I wasn't sure that I should even stay in school, or stay full time. I talked to a few people about this and prayed about it. After telling my entire block, the Bible study girls, my roommate and her fiance, and a friend from high school, I figured it was time to talk to my parents. We agreed that I was called to Bethel. I explained my feelings about my different classes. I'm particularly not enjoying my Spanish class.

I initially decided on Bethel because of the Spanish Education program. It was a total "God Moment" for me, and I had no doubts that this was the place for me. A few months later, I dropped the education part. Then I added English Ed. People often tell me that they're jealous of me for already knowing my two majors in my first semester. Little did they know of the internal conflict I was dealing with. I felt like I couldn't drop the Spanish because it was my "reason for being here." I was planning on going to the DR because I was a Spanish major, rather than going on the PacRim trip, which is what I really want to do. Talking to my parents tonight I realized that God's purpose for me is my reason for being here, not Spanish. He led me to this school. He knows what He's doing. All I can do is trust. After I decided to drop Spanish, I had such a feeling of peace. There is no question in my mind that I should be at Bethel College. I'll probably stay here for four years. If that's what God has planned for me, I'm okay with it.

We'll see whether I stick with the English Education major. I'm considering Liberal Studies with concentrations in English/Literature, music, theatre, and possibly Spanish. All I can do is trust.

Colossians 3:11

(written 10/8/09)

It doesn't matter where you've come from or who you are. It only matters that you love Jesus and desire to be like Him. He is a commonality fro believers. The followers of Christ are at every corner of the world, but we all serve the same God. He brings us together.

new series. introduction.

so, I'm going to start a new series of posts.
I'm going to pick a verse for each post and write a mini-sermon on it.

opening verse: Matthew 6:21

Don't set your heart on earthly junk. Don't depend on things that will rust or decay. Trust in the Eternal God. He made the world and everything in it, and He can take it away in the blink of an eye. But He will remain. He is beyond human comprehension and definition. Make Him your treasure. Long only for Him. Seek him first, and He'll give you what you need. He works things out for the good of those who love him.


good night.

(tomorrow: Colossians 3:11)

why I (probably) won't date.

I said at the end of my senior year that dating would soon stop being "high school dating," and start being just dating. I would be able to date anyone (within my God-based standards), I would have more freedom, dating would be more serious.
oh dear. I was still so much in high school.

tonight, Foster talked about what we as humans crave.

• love and acceptance that are free
• love that will not abandon us
• a reason to go on.

he talked about the two blind men in Matthew 20.
he emphasized the first two words of verse 32 (NIV) "Jesus stopped."
he told us that Jesus had stopped for us and was ready to listen.
it wasn't about asking for whatever we wanted.
it was about asking for what we needed deep down, beyond all the surface stuff.

I have realized in the past couple of days that I have created a space in my heart that I needed God to fill. (this is not the space that He filled long ago when I accepted Jesus as my Savior.)

my first best friend was a boy named Matthew Smith.
(he had red hair, this started my love for children with red hair.
and my hesitation to be friends with redheads.)
(this was when we lived in Goshen.)
(I also have this thing about soccer players and their calves.
I've grown up watching soccer. it's amazing how much our childhood affects us.)
summer 1996, he moved to Michigan
a few months later, I moved to Fort Wayne.
I made a new guy friend.
we were going to get married.
then he completely ditched me.
my life has been full of stories like that and it has all but ruined me.
for the past several years, so much of what I have been about, so much of my identity, has been centered on guys: whether or not I have a boyfriend, who I have liked, who has liked me. it has been horrible. living inside my head has been terrible for me.
so, tonight, I asked God to fill the space that I had opened up for love from a guy.
I felt God saying "I love you. I will love you with the kind of love you need. not amorous, perverse, lustful love, but real, true, eternal love."
and that's all I need for now.
He has made that clear.

I came to school planning to not date first semester.
my mom's Aunt Ellen and my Grandma (Dad's mom) told me, independently of each other, that we'd be planning my wedding in eight years.
I'm not much for signs but I think I can accept that as reasonable.
I know, it seems to me that that's an awfully long time to wait.
but now it seems to make sense.
especially if I'm not going to date for the next four years.

I'm not saying that I'm giving up dating.
or that I won't want to date.
or that anyone shouldn't pursue me. (ha! right. it's only the third full week. please don't pursue me now. if anyone was planning to.)
I'm only saying that God is enough for me.
and if He doesn't want me to date, I won't date.

why I love this school.

well, not all of the reasons.
but this continues on the same track of what I was talking about the other day.
the body.

Monday night I went to chapel.
Foster started by saying that it was going to be unscripted again.
he had us kneel in front of our seats and listen.
he asked us to be willing to do whatever the Spirit told us to do.
for me, it was surrendering some areas of my life more completely than I had.
it was a very good thing.

a while later he asked those of us who had something to give up to come down to the front,
kneel before our God,
and raise our hands, palms up, to Him.
I gave up wasting time.
I gave up my lack of self-discipline when I'm supposed to be studying.

after a time of prayer, Foster asked all the guys to sit down and the girls to stand.
he had us pray for the guys, out loud.
the prayers ranged from apologizing for being stumbling blocks to praying that the guys would grow up to be great husbands and fathers.
then we sang "Agnus Dei."
then the girls all sat down.
Foster had the guys form a circle around the seats and link arms.
and he had them pray for us.
again, the prayers were all over the place.
but it was great. looking around at those guys, supporting each other, protecting us.
as I said on Monday, this is what the Body of Christ is about.
we pray for each other, we support each other, we protect each other.



coming soon (in a few minutes): why I probably won't date in college.

the body.

this morning was the first chapel of Bethel's Spiritual Emphasis Week.
(it's also SEW for Taylor and Indiana Wesleyan.)
Foster Christy of Kingdom Building Ministries is our speaker this year and today he talked briefly about repentance. not remorse, not reformed behavior, but true repentance. it's deeper than a turn around, it's a total life change. it's about saying "God, I never want to do that again."

he knew that God was speaking in the hearts of students and asked us to bow our heads and listen to God. he asked those students who wanted to be born again to stand. several did. it was amazing to see how quickly they were surrounded by friends and other students and faculty who were praying.

a little later, after much praying and worshiping, he asked if there was anyone else who wanted to make that commitment. he told them to come down to the altar. for a few tense seconds no one moved in that direction until one young woman came forward. the auditorium erupted in applause. applause for her willingness to give her life to God, for her bravery in announcing that decision to the student body, for God's power, love, grace, and mercy in her life and in the lives of us all.
as soon as she knelt down, three or four women came over to her, praying. watching that scene I was reminded that this is what the body of Christ is all about. we need to support each other; we need to pray for each other; we need to love each other.
God worked in the hearts of students this morning, including mine. I can't wait to see what He has in store for us for the rest of this week. and I'm excited to hear about what He's doing at other campuses this week.





p.s. tomorrow is Dr. Cramer's birthday.

being home and being back.

so, we had Monday off for Labor Day.
so I went home.
I probably didn't spend as much time with my family as I should have.
I'm so accustomed to closing myself off in my room with a book or an art project that it seemed natural to do that.
however, I did get to see my brother's apartment and we took a family picture.
also, I got my ears double-pierced.
I guess it was a pretty good weekend.
I'm looking forward to my quick stop at home in a couple weeks.
and fall break in just over a month.

so, Oma brings us back and takes us to Chuck E. Cheese's because Kaleb has wanted to go there since he found out we had one.
I won some ice cream.
back to campus. realized that I took wayyyy too much stuff home.
I'll think about that next time.

half an hour later, we're doing laundry and homework and I realize that I need a pen.
I quickly opened the front pocket of my book bag and immediately realized that this was a mistake.
I had gashed my thumb.
it hurts a lot. but I've been keeping Disney Princess bandages on it.
it's been helping. :)

had some interesting conversations that night.
one of them should not have happened.
I was glad it happened but I wish I had not been necessary.
Satan is really mean.

go watch "The Chosen." it is a fantastic movie.
but please don't think that it represents all Jews.
they're all Orthodox and the freaky-traditional (and I mean that in the most respectful tone) ones are Hasidic.
not every Jew is that intense about it.
I can't wait to read the book.

I should get a social life.

that's all for now.

sickness and Vespers auditions.

I've been sick since Saturday night.
this has not been fun.
Monday was awful. I could hardly pay attention in classes.
yesterday was better. mostly a runny nose.
today was pretty much just a cough.

auditions for Vespers worship band about an hour ago.
I sang with Jordan and then played and sang.
both went really well and we got some good feedback.
I think I'll know by the end of the week.
and, dear readers, you will be some of the first to know.
along with my facebook friends who haven't hidden me yet.

I'm a second soprano for Women's Chorale.
we're doing several songs I already know including "For the Beauty of the Earth," "Ding-a Ding-a Ding," and "Zion's Walls."
I'm pretty excited.
we're also singing the chorus part for "Hansel and Gretel" for the Opera Workshop in the spring.

I guess I don't have much more to say.
it hasn't been a very eventful week.

is this three?

if you are in the South Bend area this evening (8) or tomorrow afternoon (2), go see "Twelfth Night" at Notre Dame.
it is AMAZING!!!!
seven Equity actors, most of the cast members have or are pursuing degrees in acting.
wonderful singing, beautiful set.
the only issue I had was the extent to which they emphasized the innuendo.
I understand that Shakespeare's writing is full of it, but I'm not such a big fan.
other than that, it was a fantastic show.

now I'm back in the room with Jamie and Kaleb.
(it's open dorms in Tuckey tonight.)
James is doing her Hebrew homework and Kaleb is reading a psych book.
I'm supplying the tunes. (OWL CITY!!!!)

no plans tonight.

that's what I've got.

yes, more later.

I made Women's Chorale.
Jamie did, too.

initially, I was disappointed.
but I know that God works all things out for the good of those who love Him.
and I get done at 12 on Fridays.
so, I'm pretty much okay with it now.

now I need to do something productive.

karaoke and curfews.

before I begin, here's a quick lesson in Bethel dorm policy:
open dorm hours end at midnight.
you must be in your dorm (not room) at 2am on Fridays and Saturdays.

I managed to push both of those rules last night.

I was watching "Superman Returns" in a guy's room in Manges last night.
I pretty much had to run downstairs to be out by 12.
stupid third floor.

we were doing karaoke in the Sailor kitchen and I ran upstairs at 1:59.
stupid third floor.

I'm not a big fan of breaking the rules.
and I don't want to start the year with a flawed record.

but the karaoke party was great fun.
even though I didn't know most of the songs.

and I'm going to have to finish "Superman" sometime.
before midnight.

more later?

day one.

well, my first class is over and I'm sitting in the Great Room.
this morning was just Block. we discussed the book and went over the syllabus.

went to lunch at Sufficient Grounds.
went to check the choir list.
not posted until 5. not so thrilled about that.

so I'm just hanging out until almost 6.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are going to be wonderful.

still don't have my Spanish book.
that's not so awesome.

I guess I don't have much to say this afternoon.

Prob&Stats tonight at 6.

oh, yeah. our suitemates tried to bunk their beds without the pegs.
the top one fell. they screamed.
we helped them get it fixed.

and, that's all.

more later?

Chicago and major meetings.

yesterday we all went to Chicago.
we rode in buses with our blocks and did something like Speed Dating on the way there.
it was a fairly efficient way to get to know half of the people we'll be spending the most time with this semester.
but there were so many people we didn't get to talk to.
so, it will take effort.

Jamie, Kaleb, and I spent the afternoon wandering around the city, never straying too far from Michigan Ave.
we went up in Chicago Place. it's so great in there.
almost totally deserted but the view is amazing.
ate at Gino's East. tried to find where I had written during Spring Break but couldn't.
had the same waitress, though.

I took lots of pictures. I am loving my new camera.

we had a great time on the way back to campus.
waking Evan up with the plume of Zany Zac's gladiator helmet.
almost waking Evan up with some of the whipped cream from Faith's cheesecake, and then watching Evan put Zac into a headlock.
playing silent "Bunny Bunny."
good times.

hall meetings last night.
then some Catch Phrase.

today I skipped breakfast (and had an apple and peanut butter in the room.) and was about a minute late for chapel.

we had an academic major meeting after chapel.
ours was "Language and Literature." including English, Communication, Spanish.
it focused mostly on Comm, so I didn't pay too much attention.

now I'm not going to lunch.
I haven't been hungry much this week.

we have a presentation by a student panel about Academic Tips for Success and a video in about half an hour.
then another block meeting.
dinner and free time tonight.

it's been a good couple of days but I'm ready to get into a routine.

later, folks.

freshman again.

well. today started a starting over process.
I woke up at 8:30 to Kevin Brown's voice saying "wakey wakey workcampers!" on my phone.
(it's a Reach thing.)
we finished loading up the van and were on the road around 9:30.
got to campus around 11:45 and were in the room by noon.
moved everything up in one load and started unpacking.
my clothes more than fill my dresser and most of my stuff is under my bed.
my desk is not organized. our outlets are rather confusing.
but our Christmas tree looks great, internet works, and I've already used the microwave and coffee maker.
also, we had Famous Dave's for lunch. Famous Dave's makes everything better.

met with our FYE blocks this evening.
I think it's going to be great.
our profs are hilarious, Brother Tim promised a marriage out of FYE3 (there have been 21 in 15 years. also, 15 FYE3 children.), we're all getting along well.
I am loving college.

said good-bye to our parents. it was emotional but not really sad.
I'll probably be home Labor Day weekend, I'm only about 2 hours away, I've been gone before.
but it's a moving on period.
it's strange for them.
Andrew is moving into an apartment tomorrow (today.), I'm moved out, the house is pretty much empty.

we got the rules speech.
and then we had ice cream.
and Jamie and I decided to just come back to the room.
we could be out until 2. we could have guys over.
but it's been a long day.
so, I finished my leftovers from lunch.
I made coffee.
I took a shower.
and I sat down to write this post.

so, I'm at college now.
and I'll try to post at least once a week.
like I'm going to have lots of readers?

good night.

and then it was over.

um. I pretty much forgot about this blog.

I finished my senior year on June 2 and graduated on June 6.

it was a good year. nothing stands out as horrible enough to mention.

as far as relationships go, no boyfriends, a few new friends, a few I'd like to forget.

summer plans: CDYC, a couple of weddings, mission trip to West Virginia, Choralfest, family vacation.

fall plans: Bethel College move-in on August 22. double majoring in English Education and Spanish.

that's all I've got.