why I (probably) won't date.

I said at the end of my senior year that dating would soon stop being "high school dating," and start being just dating. I would be able to date anyone (within my God-based standards), I would have more freedom, dating would be more serious.
oh dear. I was still so much in high school.

tonight, Foster talked about what we as humans crave.

• love and acceptance that are free
• love that will not abandon us
• a reason to go on.

he talked about the two blind men in Matthew 20.
he emphasized the first two words of verse 32 (NIV) "Jesus stopped."
he told us that Jesus had stopped for us and was ready to listen.
it wasn't about asking for whatever we wanted.
it was about asking for what we needed deep down, beyond all the surface stuff.

I have realized in the past couple of days that I have created a space in my heart that I needed God to fill. (this is not the space that He filled long ago when I accepted Jesus as my Savior.)

my first best friend was a boy named Matthew Smith.
(he had red hair, this started my love for children with red hair.
and my hesitation to be friends with redheads.)
(this was when we lived in Goshen.)
(I also have this thing about soccer players and their calves.
I've grown up watching soccer. it's amazing how much our childhood affects us.)
summer 1996, he moved to Michigan
a few months later, I moved to Fort Wayne.
I made a new guy friend.
we were going to get married.
then he completely ditched me.
my life has been full of stories like that and it has all but ruined me.
for the past several years, so much of what I have been about, so much of my identity, has been centered on guys: whether or not I have a boyfriend, who I have liked, who has liked me. it has been horrible. living inside my head has been terrible for me.
so, tonight, I asked God to fill the space that I had opened up for love from a guy.
I felt God saying "I love you. I will love you with the kind of love you need. not amorous, perverse, lustful love, but real, true, eternal love."
and that's all I need for now.
He has made that clear.

I came to school planning to not date first semester.
my mom's Aunt Ellen and my Grandma (Dad's mom) told me, independently of each other, that we'd be planning my wedding in eight years.
I'm not much for signs but I think I can accept that as reasonable.
I know, it seems to me that that's an awfully long time to wait.
but now it seems to make sense.
especially if I'm not going to date for the next four years.

I'm not saying that I'm giving up dating.
or that I won't want to date.
or that anyone shouldn't pursue me. (ha! right. it's only the third full week. please don't pursue me now. if anyone was planning to.)
I'm only saying that God is enough for me.
and if He doesn't want me to date, I won't date.

why I love this school.

well, not all of the reasons.
but this continues on the same track of what I was talking about the other day.
the body.

Monday night I went to chapel.
Foster started by saying that it was going to be unscripted again.
he had us kneel in front of our seats and listen.
he asked us to be willing to do whatever the Spirit told us to do.
for me, it was surrendering some areas of my life more completely than I had.
it was a very good thing.

a while later he asked those of us who had something to give up to come down to the front,
kneel before our God,
and raise our hands, palms up, to Him.
I gave up wasting time.
I gave up my lack of self-discipline when I'm supposed to be studying.

after a time of prayer, Foster asked all the guys to sit down and the girls to stand.
he had us pray for the guys, out loud.
the prayers ranged from apologizing for being stumbling blocks to praying that the guys would grow up to be great husbands and fathers.
then we sang "Agnus Dei."
then the girls all sat down.
Foster had the guys form a circle around the seats and link arms.
and he had them pray for us.
again, the prayers were all over the place.
but it was great. looking around at those guys, supporting each other, protecting us.
as I said on Monday, this is what the Body of Christ is about.
we pray for each other, we support each other, we protect each other.



coming soon (in a few minutes): why I probably won't date in college.

the body.

this morning was the first chapel of Bethel's Spiritual Emphasis Week.
(it's also SEW for Taylor and Indiana Wesleyan.)
Foster Christy of Kingdom Building Ministries is our speaker this year and today he talked briefly about repentance. not remorse, not reformed behavior, but true repentance. it's deeper than a turn around, it's a total life change. it's about saying "God, I never want to do that again."

he knew that God was speaking in the hearts of students and asked us to bow our heads and listen to God. he asked those students who wanted to be born again to stand. several did. it was amazing to see how quickly they were surrounded by friends and other students and faculty who were praying.

a little later, after much praying and worshiping, he asked if there was anyone else who wanted to make that commitment. he told them to come down to the altar. for a few tense seconds no one moved in that direction until one young woman came forward. the auditorium erupted in applause. applause for her willingness to give her life to God, for her bravery in announcing that decision to the student body, for God's power, love, grace, and mercy in her life and in the lives of us all.
as soon as she knelt down, three or four women came over to her, praying. watching that scene I was reminded that this is what the body of Christ is all about. we need to support each other; we need to pray for each other; we need to love each other.
God worked in the hearts of students this morning, including mine. I can't wait to see what He has in store for us for the rest of this week. and I'm excited to hear about what He's doing at other campuses this week.





p.s. tomorrow is Dr. Cramer's birthday.

being home and being back.

so, we had Monday off for Labor Day.
so I went home.
I probably didn't spend as much time with my family as I should have.
I'm so accustomed to closing myself off in my room with a book or an art project that it seemed natural to do that.
however, I did get to see my brother's apartment and we took a family picture.
also, I got my ears double-pierced.
I guess it was a pretty good weekend.
I'm looking forward to my quick stop at home in a couple weeks.
and fall break in just over a month.

so, Oma brings us back and takes us to Chuck E. Cheese's because Kaleb has wanted to go there since he found out we had one.
I won some ice cream.
back to campus. realized that I took wayyyy too much stuff home.
I'll think about that next time.

half an hour later, we're doing laundry and homework and I realize that I need a pen.
I quickly opened the front pocket of my book bag and immediately realized that this was a mistake.
I had gashed my thumb.
it hurts a lot. but I've been keeping Disney Princess bandages on it.
it's been helping. :)

had some interesting conversations that night.
one of them should not have happened.
I was glad it happened but I wish I had not been necessary.
Satan is really mean.

go watch "The Chosen." it is a fantastic movie.
but please don't think that it represents all Jews.
they're all Orthodox and the freaky-traditional (and I mean that in the most respectful tone) ones are Hasidic.
not every Jew is that intense about it.
I can't wait to read the book.

I should get a social life.

that's all for now.

sickness and Vespers auditions.

I've been sick since Saturday night.
this has not been fun.
Monday was awful. I could hardly pay attention in classes.
yesterday was better. mostly a runny nose.
today was pretty much just a cough.

auditions for Vespers worship band about an hour ago.
I sang with Jordan and then played and sang.
both went really well and we got some good feedback.
I think I'll know by the end of the week.
and, dear readers, you will be some of the first to know.
along with my facebook friends who haven't hidden me yet.

I'm a second soprano for Women's Chorale.
we're doing several songs I already know including "For the Beauty of the Earth," "Ding-a Ding-a Ding," and "Zion's Walls."
I'm pretty excited.
we're also singing the chorus part for "Hansel and Gretel" for the Opera Workshop in the spring.

I guess I don't have much more to say.
it hasn't been a very eventful week.