weddings.

Lately I've been thinking about my wedding a lot more than is healthy. I know that I want my bridal party to dance to "Save the Last Dance for Me" (the Michael Buble version). I want to get married in October so we can dance to "Moondance" and have it make sense. Also, I'm pretty sure that I want to wear my mom's dress and it has sleeves, so the thought of a summer wedding is not exactly thrilling. I've thought vaguely about flowers and colors and bridesmaids and their dresses and a honeymoon and as long as we both shall live. I know that this isn't fair to the other half of "we," but I just want this part of my future to show up.

Why am I thinking about weddings if I don't have a boyfriend? Because my research paper partner is getting married in about a month, my brother is getting married in about seven months, and my roommate is getting married in a little more than four years. And there are several other engaged couples on campus and at home. I want to be a part of this. I can't help but be jealous. Part of it, I think, is not wanting to have a long engagement. I want to know that "we're" getting married for a long time before there's a ring on my finger. I want to have my wedding planned so I can just drag and drop the guy God has for me into the mental pictures. This makes it sound like I'm very impersonal about it. This is simply not true. I know that there is a guy out there somewhere who will love me even if I have our entire wedding planned. Actually, he'll love me extra for not making him do much for the wedding. (I've learned things from the conversations I've heard between Andrew and Allie.)

I think I'll feel better about all of this when I stop avoiding dating. I just want to get excited about going out with a guy. But I will not enter a dating relationship casually. I have very specific standards, and I will not change them for anyone.

I'm not sure why I'm posting all of this for all the world to see, but I guess it's not a completely private matter. If you feel that you've wasted your time by reading this, well, I'd say that it's your own fault. Stop reading now. I'm certainly going to stop writing now, and hope that the neighbors' alarm stops going off so I can sleep.

good night,
Hope