winter has returned.

It has been snowing almost non-stop for two days. Sometimes it's almost completely white outside, other times is just a glittery mist, but it just keeps accumulating. And my heart is intermittently happy and disappointed and troubled.

I love snow. I think I always have.
When we lived in Goshen, playing in the snow was one of few activities my brother and I could do together without fighting. He could be the big brother and help me. He was able to build up small hills so we could sled in our front yard. I wanted to be just like him.

Now I appreciate the beauty of snow. In my mind, it's one of God's reminders that life goes on. This year will soon be over, another will begin, spring will come again. The death and darkness must seem victorious for a while, but that will make the new growth and rebirth all the more beautiful. After the seemingly unending winter in Northern Indiana last year, something I had forgotten about in all my years in Fort Wayne, the first glimpse of blue sky, the buds on the trees, the green grass, the return of the birds: they brought smiles to my face like they never did at home. Snow is awesome all on its own, though. It sparkles. It gives countless opportunities for fun and for pranks. It stays on my nose and eyelashes. It's millions of tiny little works of art.

I also find snow very romantic. It makes me lonely. I have spent one Christmas Day in a relationship. It was seventh grade. I wasn't the best girlfriend. I never have been, which is why I'm hesitant to actually get close to guys. He gave me a necklace and some candles for Christmas. We had only been "dating" for a couple weeks, so I wasn't expecting anything. I didn't give him anything. Not for Christmas or for Valentine's Day. He gave me a box of candy for Valentine's Day. He was probably the sweetest, funniest, kindest guy I've ever called my boyfriend. Now he's openly gay. I haven't talked to him in several years, but I think he's doing well.
The last time I was "dating" someone around Christmas, I got bored. I got sick of the guy. I was a jerk. I feel terribly about it. I think both of our lives would be very different if we had stayed together. But we didn't.
Now that it's cold outside and I hear all of the songs about being "snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be," I remember how I walk the snowy sidewalks on my own. No physical arm has ever been there to call my own and hold onto so I wouldn't fall on the ice. I don't want to hear all of the "you don't need a man, girl.," "Who needs men? They're all jerks anyway." or, "God will bring you a guy when it's the right time." (Seriously. If you write a comment like that, I will delete it. It will make me angry. I will dislike you for a while.) I have thought and prayed through all of this. Being single just doesn't seem to be the right thing for me now. Not because I don't like it, but because it just feels weird. It's a weird feeling I've had before. Unsettled, searching for more (not in the wrong places. I have searched and found in the Right Place and I'm not looking to replace that in any way.). I am experiencing a new kind of loneliness that I don't feel is wrong in any way. I just wish I knew some things for sure.

That's where I'm going to stop for tonight.