another writing night at SG.

I'm sitting at my wobbly table. The chair is secure for once.
I'm watching my drink be made incorrectly. The person making it doesn't know that creme de menthe is what a person means when she says "mint." If she wanted peppermint, that's what she would have asked for.
So I'm getting a peppermint mocha instead of a mint mocha.
And I'm okay with that.

I love sitting at this table. If you're a regular reader, you probably know that.
I've got some things to say, so I'll just jump right in.

First: I have a confession to make.
I have spent the past few months thinking I was in some kind of love.
There's this guy I know. He's awesome. We are so much the same that it's scary. I won't go into detail here, because it would be pretty easy to figure out who I'm talking about, but just know that he's great and I love being friends with him.
The more I thought about him and thought about our similarities, the more I thought that maybe we could end up together. I got so consumed with this idea that I stopped actually thinking about the guy.
Last week, there was an awesome coincidence and I was so sure that it meant that we're supposed to be together. It drove me crazy all weekend, because I was gone and I couldn't talk to him. Let's be real. I couldn't talk to him anyway. How do you even start that conversation? "Um, hey [you]. I think we should date. We're probably going to get married, so let's start here." No. Not going to happen. Instead, I talked to the girls I was sharing a room with. I covered the whole "boy situation" in my life with them. And they told me that I was over-analyzing it. True. In the Olymipics (yep, I meant that) of over-analyzing, I would take the top spot, no competition. But I couldn't help it. In the past few days, though, I've thought more about it. And I've been thinking rationally. I know this guy reasonably well, but we don't hang out as much as it takes to make this kind of decision. I love the person that I have invented and tailored to my picture of a perfect future. I saw what I wanted to see and I pretended that that was okay. It's not. I have been so unfair to this amazing guy for so long. Not cool.
I'm not sure whether I'll talk to him about it. I know that I probably should. I mean, a post about it without a conversation and real, personal confession? That's pretty lame. But I'm good at that.

Second: I'm figuring out that part of why I have the tendency to fall in love with ideas is that I don't enjoy accepting certain part of reality. I want so badly to be 25 and madly in love. I want to have a job that I love. I want to be more pretty and more talented and more friendly and more funny and more outgoing and more and more and more. I want to be the girl that always gets the "look back." Not because he wants to check me out, but because he doesn't really want to walk away. I want the romantic comedy love story, but without all the gratuitous sex that is too often mistaken for love and having something in common, and without the tragic break up over something that is actually significant, followed by more sex that obviously means true love. But I guess that's what romantic comedy love stories are all about. I think I just want the speed and ease of it all. I don't want the cliche romantic gestures just because the guy thinks I want them. I want them because he knows who I am and does things because he knows I will love and appreciate them. I want a guy who won't get offended when I'm honest with him, which means that he will also be a guy with whom I can be honest. I'm not going to pretend to be more girly or more spiritual or more anything just because I think that's what a guy wants. I don't care what the average guy wants, because I don't want the average guy. I want the guy whom I can love unselfishly. I want to be loved unselfishly. And I don't think that that's too much to ask, because I know that I serve a powerful God who can do anything. And I'm pretty sure that He wants mutual, unselfish love in all of our relationships. That's the model He gives us. But for some reason, the things that I want and my thought patterns don't line up. Human condition. Something that I don't actually have to be stuck with. Something that God is reminding me to let go of. He has plans for my future, and they are good plans. But they are for the future. The time that I'm living in right now is the future He had for me years ago, and I need to live fully in the present. The more I look ahead, the more I will miss today.

Third: I want to do music with my life. It's what I believe I was created to do. I am not a music major. I will not become a music major. I will take at least 12 credit hours of music prefix classes, but I don't need a degree in music. I love my Liberal Studies major. I am getting a great education and I will graduate with options, if I should decide to pursue a career in anything else. But music is all I can see myself doing. I've said before that JJ Heller has my dream job. Sarah and Andrew Lawrence reminded me that I should not require a guy to play guitar before I meet him. Fine. I'm not promised the life that JJ and Dave have. But I do think that any career I have in music will be some kind of partnership with my husband.

Well, I could keep talking about this for a long time. But Friday Night Fire starts in 25 minutes and I want to get to Shiloh a little early.
Thanks for reading. I'm totally no offended if you laughed at my immature behavior. I have a lot of learning to do.

writing songs.

I have finished and performed two original songs over the past two years.
One of the requirements for Battle of the Bands that we're having in February is an original song.
I decided that I wanted to write a new one.
This decision came after an awesome weekend at conVERGE 2011, a student leadership conference for juniors and seniors in high school. (I was running a table for TOMS Shoes.)
I learned so much about God's unconditional love and His incomprehensible power and His unbreakable promises.
And that's what I wanted to write about.


But I kept getting distracted by the image of a certain someone's (and I refuse to publicly confess who) amazing eyes. They're a bright, piercing blue. I always get the sense that he can totally see into who I am. I've been around him a lot lately and it's driving me crazy. And he's a good looking guy even when you ignore the eyes (like that's possible) and he's funny and generally awesome, and I can't talk to him like the intelligent, articulate, normal person that I am. I am not accustomed to acting like a fool. I usually bring my A Game to this type of situation, even when I don't mean to. Don't get me wrong, I'm not falling all over myself. I'm just more quiet than usual when it comes down to times with potential for having real conversations.
So I'm sitting at the piano in a practice room, trying to get his face out of my head. This was a difficult few minutes. I even started a song about him. I know that when it gets to that point, and he has no idea, I have reached a very low point.


With great effort and discipline, I pushed those eyes out of my head. The unrequited admiration was a waste of time. There is a love that, too often, is ignored. It is an unconditional love. I can't do anything to earn it or to lose it. I cannot be so good that it increases, nor can I be so depraved that it diminishes. This love comes from the One who knows all my faults and fears and mistakes. He is the One who gave me my talents and asks that I offer them back to Him. When I realize the majesty of this love love, this faultless, pure, holy, limitless, powerful, merciful, graceful, joyous love, the only thing I can do is to respond with my life. I have been promised so much by my Great Father. He takes hold of my right hand (Is. 41: 13); He will give me peace in my surrender (Phil. 4:6-7); He has disgraced my enemies; He lavishes His unfailing love. That's amazing.


So I started writing about this. Two of JJ Heller's songs ("What Love Really Means," and "True Things") have been awesome reminders to me lately, and they got the lyrics flowing, but the Spirit had something to say to me and through me, so I can't really take much credit or give it to JJ.


The song isn't finished, but I'm super excited about where it's going. This is part of a verse and the chorus that I have so far.


"You look at me
and You know my faults,
and You know my fears,
and yet You love me.

And it's not because of anything I did
Or any prayer I prayed,

It's just because

You made me who I am
I am a child of God
And nothing else matters.

It means I'm not what I'm doing now,
Or where I'll go tonight.
I'm finding out who I am."


I love how much I am loved. I love that I am loved with a perfect, unconditional love. I love that I can't do anything to change that love. I love the One who loves me.

observations from a week back at school.

Today marks one full week of being back in classes.
It's weird. I am going to be working hard this semester.
But I'll write about that at another time. This is a list post.

1. Chad Meister speaks like an exaggerated version of Fred Armisen's version of Pres. Obama. I mean that in the best way possible.
2. Taking Philosophy, Sociology, Old Testament, and Psychology at the same time is stretching my brain. In a good and overwhelming way.
3. I miss William Cook. Walking into the Great Room knowing that he won't be there to give me a hug is weird and sad and lonely. And he knows it. (But he's going to totally beast this semester in L.A.)
4. A few hours of awesome fun and good conversation with someone doesn't make that person as much of a friend as you would think.
5. JJ Heller has my dream job. Like you wouldn't believe. That is what I want to do. Making music for Jesus is what I was made to do. Partnering with my husband in doing that lines up exactly with my view of marriage.
6. God is gracious. He held the snow off for (most of) us to get back to school, and then He dropped a couple feet on us so we have to stay here together.
7. The feeling of 3:00am hasn't changed.
8. Just because you didn't really talk to some of your friends last semester doesn't mean they won't leave a whole in your life when they're on the other side of the world. (This is especially for Sarah, Matt, and Calvin.)
9. Sometimes the students on tours will actually ask questions.
10. P90X is working muscles I didn't know I had. My hips have been hurting for two days. I can't do much of anything without pain.
11. Even when you have a pretty clear view of your future, you can't always talk about it. Even though it's all you want to do.
12. Couples are weird. Non-couples are even weirder. Just admit that you're dating already. You're holding hands. You're a couple. Or you're making a huge mistake.
13. Sometimes ignoring someone's presence is the kindest thing you can do. Especially when you spent most of a year in internal conflict over that person.
14. The laundry room is a great place to be in the middle of the night.
15. Being washed whiter than snow is an amazing image. Snow is really, really white.
16. I didn't have a song until You came along.
17. My laundry is finished, I have class in 6 hours, and I will be at Huntington University all weekend. I need to fold my clothes, finish packing, and go to bed.