"A Moment You Felt The Most Satisfied With Your Life."

I didn't post yesterday, so I'll do two in one.

I don't ever want to be satisfied with my life.
If I'm satisfied, I'll settle.
If I settle, I won't grow.
If I don't grow, I'm not doing my job as a Christ-follower.

"How You Hope Your Future Will Be Like."

Reasonably happy, but difficult enough that I won't be able to convince myself that I can go it alone.
I need to know that I need God's help.

I want to get married and have kids.
I want to glorify God in those relationships.

I want to do something that matters.
And it doesn't have to be a big, bold, travel to a closed country thing that matters.
It needs to matter to one person.

I want to drive a minivan.

I want to love and be loved.

"Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality."

I'm an Aries.

And I don't care.

That's all.

"Write 30 Interesting Facts About Yourself."

1. My idea of "interesting" is different from that of most people I meet.

2. My eyes are my favorite of my physical features.

3. I often say "and now it's time for Story Time With Hope."
3a. I then proceed to tell a story that has some kind of meaning.

4. I have long toes that fit together like pieces of a puzzle.

5. Ugly feet are a dealbreaker for me.

6. I thoroughly enjoy making strange faces.

7. I have a love-hate relationship with facebook. I've written about it before.

8. I had a sister who would turn 22 tomorrow.
8a. She died 22 years and five weeks ago.

9. I don't like people to touch my feet or legs, abdomen, or face. Really, I don't like people to touch me without warning. Like, sudden hugs from behind. Not a fan.

10. I stand on my toes when I'm in my kitchen.

11. There were times when I wanted to be a baker because it would be an easy way to make a man fall in love with me.

12. I am addicted to media. I can't even write a whole blog post without checking facebook or twitter or what's new on hulu. Seriously.

13. I work in a warehouse for less than $1/hour. And, most days, that's fine with me.

14. I think that I want to be 26 when I get married.

15. I love coffee shops because they are a gathering place for people who are really the same.

16. I am afraid of failure and rejection.

17. I like Adam Young as a person more than as a musician.
(Although I do love his music.)

18. I crave attention, but won't go out of my way to get it.

19. I can play about seven chords on a ukulele.

20. I rarely apply myself to anything that I do. So I'm often mediocre.

21. My memory is strange. I remember moments from when I was four, but forget what I ate for lunch.

22. Sometimes I forget to eat.

23. I want to live in another country for a few months. Just to live there. Not to study.

24. I like big cities or small towns. That's why I don't really like Fort Wayne.

25. I want to have twins, a boy and a girl. I have names picked out for them.

26. I like to knit. I'm working on making a blanket right now.

27. We don't have cable. The only channels I really wish we had are Food Network and TLC.

28. I like puzzles and mazes and logic.

29. I have never finished a Sudoku.

30. I had an incredible conversation about theology, philosophy, and morality with a complete stranger at Higher Grounds tonight.

"A Time You Thought About Ending Your Own Life."

I don't think about ending my own life.

I think about how my life might end.
I think about terminal illness, horrible car wrecks, getting stabbed by a home invader.

But I don't want to end my own life.
That's not my job.

That's all for tonight.

Tomorrow will be better.

"Your views on religion."

This is a weird question.

And I don't really want to answer it, but I'll try.

I don't want to tell you what I believe.

So here's the deal.
The word "religion" makes it sound like it's all about legalism and rituals and insincerity.
And I don't like that.

And yeah, I believe that Jesus is the only way to Heaven.


That's all for today.

"Your views on drugs and alcohol."

I like caffeine.
Okay, I'm addicted to caffeine.
My body requires a certain amount each day, or I end up with a headache.

Medicines:
("All medicines are drugs, but not all drugs are medicines.")
I don't take over-the-counter pain relievers (Tylenol, ibuprofen, etc.) unless I have a true migraine or am too irritable to deal with whatever pain I'm feeling.
But that's more about my own pride than about being opposed to medication.
I am not opposed to chemotherapy or epidurals or Vicodin.
I hate that pain and death and disease exist.
I believe that the medications that can prevent or cure disease are gifts from God.
But they should be used responsibly. Antibiotics should be prescribed carefully. And they should be taken as directed in order to prevent those terrifying superbugs that we hear about.

Other drugs (illegal drugs):
Not for me.
I like to be in control of my mind and emotions.
And I wish that everyone felt that way, but I know that it is sometimes easier to turn to substances.
If these substances were less addictive, if they were less controlling, if they were less gripping of the lives of those who use them, I might be more positive.
But I have seen how lives are ruined, how families are torn apart, how children are left broken-hearted as a result of illegal drugs.
And I am not okay with that.

Alcohol:
This one is a bit of a grey area for me.
I was in the UK two months ago, where the consumption of alcohol is legal for those over the age of 18.
If I had been willing to break the Community Life Covenant I signed with Bethel, not to mention my parents' trust, I would have tried it.
But that would have left me with two years of waiting for another drink.
I don't know how I would feel about that, and it has bothered me since.
I have been in situations in which I could easily take a drink, and I am tempted.
I will wait. I have to wait until I graduate, unless my parents allow it before then.
I turn 21 on Good Friday next year.
It's a good thing I have a bad attitude about the way most people approach Christian holidays.
(But that's another post.)
I am opposed to drunkenness, not drinking.

Umm...yeah. That's what I've got.
I know there are some holes in this post.
They can probably be explained, but I'm tired.

"Where you'd like to be in 10 years."

Portland, Oregon.

The Hopeful Epicurean.
Certified in all the necessary ways to own a bakery/coffee shop/community outreach center.

Married.
Pregnant.

Just the right amount of stress.

Part owner of a lake house.
Excited for the time that I will spend there with my best friends and their families.

Involved in a church.

Or maybe I want to be in Jamaica.
Or China.
Or England.
Or Australia.

But the rest still applies.
Except for the lake house, maybe, because that would be difficult from thousands of miles away.

Really, though, I want to be exactly where God wants me to be.

"Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is."

Well, I'm single.
That is what God has for me right now.
Or, He's waiting for me to take a step.

You see, I don't want to be single.
There is a guy I know.
And I like like him.
And not for who I want him to be, but for who I know him to be.
This is a big deal.

My dad was the first person to know.
And I told him when we arrived at our hotel after visiting the cemetery where many of my ancestors, including my grandfather, are buried.
(My parents got engaged after a visit to that same cemetery, so I thought it was a good time to tell him.)

I've been telling God about this all summer and, as far as I can tell, He hasn't given me any clear answers.
Last week's sermon included a point about taking steps in the direction of our prayers.
So I've been wondering about that this week, because I often want to sit this guy down and say "here's the deal. I like you. I don't care what you want to do with that, but you need to know."
I wonder if that's all it would take, if that would be the beginning of our "happily ever after."
Or if it would be the ending of what might turn out to be a silly crush.
I don't know and I'm confused and impatient.

Do I wait for him to pursue me?
Because that's how it's "supposed to be," the guy chasing the girl?
I won't do it for the sake of tradition.
I just don't know what to do, and it's leaving me feeling unsettled.

Before this summer, the single life had its ups and downs.
I'd be really happy being single, and then I'd be mad about it.
I'd get super jealous of those couples who'd flaunt their couple-ness.
I wanted date nights for the sake of having date nights.
And then I thought about how difficult it is to be in a relationship.
It's not always cute and cuddly. It's not supposed to be.
It's work, and sometimes the mere thought of having to work like that just wears me out.

Now I want a certain person to ask me out to dinner, or even to dance.
(See what I did there, Owl City fans?)
I've wanted a reason to dress to impress, not that he'd care.
(But I know he'd notice.)

So, I'm single.
I'm not super happy about it.

And my lips are sealed.

Can I commit?

Two years ago, I graduated with Janelle Hoering.
In April, she became Janelle Delagrange.
Next March, she will be Mom.

I don't think that we have ever actually spoken, but we're facebook friends.
And I read her blog sometimes.
Because mrs. delagrange has words.

Janelle is the first person with whom I graduated whose marriage and pregnancy I can respect.
Mostly because it was done in the correct order,
but also because she and her husband believe for the same reasons that I do that there is a correct order for such things.
And because I know that, even though it wasn't necessarily what they had planned, they are trusting God in every step of their journey.

A couple months ago, Janelle started a daily blog.
It was like one of those "Take a picture every day for fifty days" kind of list things.
30 days.

Day 01 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10 years.Day 03 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.Day 04 – Your views on religion.Day 05 – A time you thought about ending your own life.Day 06 – Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.Day 07 – Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.Day 08 – A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.Day 09 – How you hope your future will be like.Day 10 – Discuss your first love.Day 11 – Put your iPod on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that pop up.Day 12 – Bullet your whole day.Day 13 – Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.Day 14 – Your earliest memory.Day 15 – Your favorite Tumblrs.Day 16 – Your views on mainstream music.Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past year.Day 18 – Your beliefs.Day 19 – Disrespecting your parents.Day 20 – How important you think education is.Day 21 – One of your favorite shows.Day 22 – How have you changed in the past 2 years?Day 23 – Something you’d like to learn.Day 24 – Your favorite movie and what it’s about.Day 25 – Someone who fascinates you and why.Day 26 – What kind of person attracts you.Day 27 – A problem that you have had.Day 28 – Something that you miss.Day 29 – Goals for the next 30 days.Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this month.

I'm going to start this tomorrow. And by the time I'm done, I'll be almost ready to go back to school.
Maybe I'll feel like I accomplished something this summer.

P.S. I just started reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan.
I'm really excited about it.