Disciplinary Success.

Here I am, one month caffeine-free.
(Except for the .02% left in decaf coffee.)

Tomorrow morning, I have a coffee date with my dear friend Melisa, to reintroduce that sweet drug to my system.
I fully expect to be buzzed for a few hours and then to crash completely.
As long as it happens a few hours before class, I'll be fine.

It was a difficult month.
The first two weeks were the worst.
Week One included Service Day, for which I was a group leader.
Gosh, that seems so long ago. Has it really only been a month?
Week Two was an interesting and awful week.
I'm not sure whether it was still withdrawal or something else, but my ability to stay focused on a task was gone. I just felt like I couldn't pay attention or get anything done without serious effort.

After that, it was easy.
I've had headaches, but no more than is normal for a stressed college senior.
I've been sleepy, but I'M A COLLEGE SENIOR.

Late nights haven't been an option, because I couldn't make regular coffee to wake me up in the morning.
Friday afternoon naps became a tradition.
Visits to Starbucks were just less fun.

But I made it. And I'm proud of myself.

And I just shaved my legs for the last time until December 1.
(I might be more forgiving about this one, because I really, really hate not shaving. Although it would be a stricter lesson in discipline. We'll find out in about two weeks.)

[A couple weeks ago I mentioned a little girl who needed to be brought home from Ethiopia. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the situation, I'm going to send you to the Hatches' blog. If you don't want to take the time to read Meg's posts (which is ridiculous, because they will fill you with joy), I'll tell you that Megin and Rob are in Ethiopia, with their daughter, who is officially, in every way, forever a Hatch. Praise the Lord for His unfailing love.]

Blur.

The days, the hours, the weeks.
Dreams and daydreams and reality.
Seconds, episodes, seasons, people.
It has all become a blur.

I struggle to catch my breath,
To keep my feet on the ground,
To keep my head on straight,
To get everything done,
To read it all,
Write it all,
Pray it all.
To love through it all.

Not since its inception has my blog's URL been so fitting.
When I first created this place, I was in three different choirs,
I was a leader in my youth group,
I was a senior in high school.
I was busy and I loved it.

Now I am in two music groups,
Student Council,
Campus Activities.
I live in a freshman dorm with an RA who I want to be able to support.

I don't see most of my friends,
I haven't been home since August 24,
I haven't had a moment without obligation in weeks.

I spend hours running from event to event, and on the days when I only have one class, I try to catch up on everything else but I just can't ever get anything finished.
I don't know how to shut down and shut off.
I'm afraid that if I close my eyes to my obligations for just a second that I won't open them again.

I don't love the busyness so much anymore.
It's killing my spirit.

And yes, I understand the irony of taking time to write a post about everything I need to get done instead of spending this time doing it.
But it's called a study break.
I'll go back to studying for my Chronicles midterm as soon as this is posted.

But, if you think of me this week, please pray for me.
For my attitude, for my heart, for my tests, and for my drive home.
For everything that I need to do over break.
For whatever the Spirit leads you to pray.
Thank you.

I want to punch the asphalt.

I should be studying Greek verbs.
I should be studying School Age Growth and Development.
I should be practicing for a solo audition.
I should be reading Confessions.
I should be getting ready for bed.

But I don't want to do any of those things.

I want to cry.

I wrote this poem today for Literature and Confession.

Two Hours

I want to hit the road.

Literally,

I want to punch the asphalt.

That stretch between

Home

And here.

It makes me angry.

And deserves a beating,

Because it keeps me

From all that I love.

But in the figurative sense,

Too.

Because it has been

Too long.

And I want to

Drive.

I have never been more homesick than I have been this year.

I had a bit of a breakdown on Thursday because all I wanted to do was get in my car and go home.

And if we weren't a week away from Fall Break, and if my aunt, uncle, and cousin weren't visiting that weekend, I would have. I would have packed a bag and cranked the tunes and broken my caffeine-free streak (still going) and driven the two hours home on that horribly boring stretch of road.

But I'm still here. And I had a great time with my family on Saturday. And chatted with my mom on Sunday night.

And in just over a week I will be watching TV with my parents, drinking coffee from the mug with cherries, one that I got from my Grandma a few years ago.

I will be preparing for a day of homework at Starbucks.

But homesickness isn't the only reason I want to cry.

There is cancer to be fought by loved ones and strangers,

There is a little girl to be brought home from Ethiopia,

There are boys I love who seem to be loved by girls far more winsome than I,

There are assignments to finish and solos to audition for and tests to study for and interviews to have and time cards to remember to fill out, and it all seems like it's piling up and I don't know when I'm going to get it all done and I just want to scream.

And then He reminds me that He knows.

And that He sees the big picture,

And that He has me here for a bigger purpose than unrequited love and auditioning for solos (I think I just talked myself out of auditioning. Every time. Because getting the solo means going on choir tour which means less time with my parents before leaving for the Czech, assuming I get the internship, which I honestly feel is more likely than getting the solo. Yikes. How's that for using my God-given gift of reason, with His guidance, to make decisions that make sense for both my personal life and for the Kingdom? I love it when this happens.)

And that He's going to let me go through the tough stuff because it's how He draws me to His heart.

Tears aren't falling, and continuing to write would probably help them along, but I have to go study.

Worship with your mind.

And then go to bed.

I leave you with "Let It Be Me," by Ray LaMontagne.

Much love.

More Discipline.

This is Old Lady October.
That means that I'm going to bed around 11:00 each night and getting up at 7:00 each morning.
This forces me to get stuff done in the afternoons.
And it gives me time to get stuff finished in the mornings.
Like today, I studied and translated Greek while straightening my hair, and still had an hour to get dressed and put on makeup.
It was really nice.

The thing is, I'm also going off caffeinated beverages for the month.
I am caffeine-dependent.
I'm addicted.

And I quit cold turkey.
Except for decaf coffee, which has a minimal amount.
Not enough to keep me from getting headaches.
Not enough to satisfy my craving.

I've been drinking coffee for as long as I can remember.
Seriously, I have distinct memories of walking into our kitchen in Goshen and drinking the last drops from my parents' cups from that morning.

I didn't drink coffee during elementary school.
I don't think I had much caffeine at all during those years.
And probably not much in middle school either, or it was always heavily sweetened.
In fact, I didn't drink black coffee regularly until Christmas Break of my first year of college.
Now, I can't add anything to hot coffee.
(I still love coffee-drinks, and would gladly accept a Salted Caramel Mocha from Starbucks on the first of November.)

I've also had to give up most of the teas that I like to drink, as well as my favorite soda (Dr. Pepper).
If I were really getting serious, I'd give up chocolate.
But that's just crazy talk.

So far, it's going well.
I accidentally bought decaf Gevalia this summer, and now actually have a reason to drink it.
Like, right now.
Because all this talk of coffee has made me want some.

I have a problem.

Stay tuned for No Meat (and No Shave) November and Dairy Free December!