Is it too early for this?

I have clothes to put away from Thanksgiving Break.
I have a paper to write before 11:00 tomorrow.
I have two essays to write before 5:00 on Friday.
I have 10 reflections to write before 5:00 on Monday.
I have two books to read in the next two weeks.
I have a total of six essays (including the two for Friday) to write by the end of the last week of classes.
I have a Prayer Partner to shop for.
I have a haircut to find time for.
I have songs to memorize.
I have three concerts to sing.
I have finals to think about.

I don't have time for a blog post.
I don't have motivation to write anything else.
I don't have a topic for the paper that's due tomorrow.
I don't have any desire to go to class in an hour.

And I definitely shouldn't be thinking about Christmas Break yet.
But hey, a girl's gotta have something to look forward to, right?

Here are my goals for Christmas Break:
1. Sort through everything my parents took out of my bedroom before painting it.
2. Finish reading The Chronicles of Narnia.
3. Make at least three of the recipes and four of the crafts that I've pinned on Pinterest.
4. Read at least one of the SEVENTEEN books that I'm required to read for next semester.
5. Create a sleeping and eating schedule.
6. Pick a song and arrange it.

I think there are more items that could go on this list. In fact, I started writing this post with something in mind, and have completely forgotten what it was.

(Edited 11:02PM on 11/29/12: Baklava. I want to make baklava over break. I remembered at lunch with Melisa today.)

Time to go print stuff and head to class.
Happy Tuesday, everyone.

One Last Night.

Two and a half years ago, I wrote a post about my little table at Sufficient Grounds.
Two and a half months ago, I walked in and saw that my table was gone.
And now, I sit at a different table on the last night that Sufficient Grounds will be open at its current location.

The new building is all but finished.
It will open on the Monday after Thanksgiving Break.
And you had better believe I will be there.

But right now, I'm grieving a little bit.
I know how strange that sounds, but it's the only way to describe how I'm feeling.

I've spent more hours within these four walls than I care to know.
I've written posts, papers, letters, poems, rants, stories.
I've had countless conversations on every topic from theology to fashion.
I've watched couples fight and I've watched couples fall in love.
I've watched the menu change and I've watched people get used to it.
I've watched new baristas fail miserably and I've forced my barista friends to make me creative drinks.
I've laughed and cried and shouted and whispered and sung and played ukulele.

I have fallen in love with this place and I don't want it to change.
I don't like these kinds of changes.
I don't like that I can't come over here at 7:00 tomorrow morning to do my Greek homework.
I don't like that I have to adjust to a different place on campus.

By the time I graduate, I'm sure I'll be used to it.
Right now, though, I'm feeling nostalgic.
I'm feeling sad. I might be feeling lonely, but I think that's a separate issue.

It's time to write one last paper here in the old Sufficient Grounds.

Have a great night, friends.

People I Respect: Josh Hartsell

I'm starting a new project here on this blog of mine. I thought of it this morning when I was mentally composing an email to the Residence Life staff and included a line about how thankful I am for them. I started thinking about how true that is, and what specific things each of them has done.

I realize now that I've started writing this that the whole project might seem a little creepy.

It's meant to be encouraging. It's meant to show that what these people do doesn't go unnoticed.

(Anything that sounds really creepy is simply due to my weird, super specific memory.)

Josh Hartsell, Resident Director of Oakwood-Slater Hall.

King of Freshman Guys, according to a student he overheard.

Three-year intern at Grabill Missionary Church.

Fan of Justin Bieber and Twilight.

Loyal friend. Wise advice giver. Lover of God and people.

Tool. And I mean that in the best possible way.

I met Josh just before the end of my junior year of high school. I had just gotten back from a choir trip to Florida, and it was the interns' first night at youth group.

Most of that summer is a blur, but I remember one of Josh's sermons very clearly.

He gave us each a small rock and a little bit of Play-Doh. He talked about Ezekiel. Who talks to teenagers about Ezekiel? Recent Bethel grads, that's who.

"'Therefore say to the house of Israel, Thus says the Lord GOD: It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am about to act, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations to which you came. And I will vindicate the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, and which you have profaned among them. And the nations will know that I am the LORD, declares the Lord GOD, when through you I vindicate my holiness before their eyes. I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules'." (Ez. 36:22-27 ESV)

He talked about a prayer that he had heard from a professor or mentor or chapel speaker or someone.

"Lord, break me, whatever the cost."

It changed my life. I'm not just saying that because it seems like the right thing to say. It's true.
It had an immediate effect, changing my plans to go to Europe the following summer to plans to go on the mission trip.
And I keep on praying it, and it has drawn me closer to God and has kept me seeking His will for my life.

I don't remember much about the second summer, other than Josh teaching me the proper technique for applying caulk when sealing windows. (Lick your finger and smooth it out.) After trying it, I read the label. "This product contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm." This lead to a discussion of all the things that can cause cancer, and now I can't microwave something in a Styrofoam container without remembering that conversation.

Then I got to Bethel and I started to see firsthand his ministry on campus. For the past three and a half years I've seen how he has helped guys adjust to college life, how he has mentored and discipled, how he has been a friend and a brother and a leader. He has brought together great RA teams and has strategically invited guys to return to Oakwood after their freshman year to build relationships with the new students.

Following several tweets about the Biebs, I finally caved and bought "Baby" and "Somebody to Love."
(This is pretty much the only communication we have.)

Here's the thing that secured Josh the honor of being the first People I Respect post.
This year, two of the guys he met his first summer at Grabill are RAs.
That's the kind of relationship building he does. He's known these guys for over five years and has maintained that relationship in such a way that they have partnered with him in the leadership of Oakwood.
He also invited three guys from the Grabill area to be those returning residents.

Josh and I don't talk on a regular basis, and that's fine. But I've seen the impact he has at Bethel, and I think it's so cool.

Joshua, you're great. Keep doing what you do. Thanks for letting God use you.

Early November Reflections: Part Two.

I would have put all of this in one post, but that would have been a very long post and I don't want to do that to you.

This part of my reflections comes out of a difficult, painful, frustrating, and slightly awkward relationship situation.
As always, I'll be as non-specific as I can. But for those of you who know parts of the story, here's some more insight.

There's this guy who liked me for a while.
I kinda had this figured out, and wasn't sure what to think of it.
We were friends, and always had good conversations.
Sometimes I thought, "hey, maybe I could like like him."
But I never got that far.

Certain events this summer culminated in a conversation at the beginning of the school year.
We came to the vague conclusion that we would remain friends.

We hardly spoke to each other for two months.

And then we had another conversation.
It seemed that it was all or nothing.
And if I had let myself make an emotional decision, it would have been all.

I'm glad I didn't let myself make that decision, because it would have broken too many hearts, including ours.

I'm not sure that I'm ready for a relationship.
I want to be. I wish I could be. And perhaps, with the right person, I could learn how to be.
But with him, knowing what I know now, I don't think it would have gone well.

And this has led me to think about my romantic history.

Earlier today, one of my professors was telling us the premise of the movie "Ladyhawke."
He's a wolf during the night, she's a hawk during the day, they only have the twilight hours to spend together, but they somehow manage to be in love.
I sat there and muttered "that's not love."
My friend Zach said "Stop being so jaded."
"I've earned my jadedness."
"I could argue, but I won't."

If we hadn't been in class, I would have told him my stories.
Yes, he has his own reasons for being jaded about love.
And yes, I'm making my life sound more dramatic than it really is.
But I've let my heart get broken so easily because I want so badly to be able to trust.
And then I remember that my trust issues came from very real situations.
Which throws me into this cycle of hermit-status to desperately seeking human interaction to misjudging conversations to facing reality to getting hurt and back to retreating into my shell.
(These are not the kinds of situations that helped lead to problems with trust.)
(I'm also aware that Zach was probably not really looking for any kind of argument. But this is the mood I'm in right now. I'm just feeling a little sensitive about this topic. And when you add that to my love of discussion and storytelling, I had the perfect opportunity to externally process the situation with someone who has a fresh perspective. I didn't. I probably won't.)

The point is, I suppose, this doesn't seem to be my year, as I predicted. I can sit around all I want, wishing someone would ask me out. I've wasted plenty of time with these kinds of thoughts. Just today I was craving sushi and thinking about how wonderful it would be to go on a date to my favorite sushi restaurant.

Let's be real, though. If I'm still writing here about this subject, dropping less-than-subtle hints, I'm clearly not actually ready to go on a sushi date. Not a "real" date, anyway. I don't even know what that means. And if I was asked, I wouldn't be surprised if I either rejected the guy I want to go with, or felt so bad I agreed to go with someone I might not want to spend that kind of time with.

I just need to stop and go back to studying Greek.

Good night.

Early November Reflections: Part One.

I am now less than six months away from graduating from Bethel College.
That is crazy.

And it seems like every time I tell someone that I'm a senior, I'm asked what I'm going to do after graduation.

"Well, I'm hoping to spend the summer in Czech Republic, and after that I'm not sure."
"Oh, are you thinking about missions?"
"Yeah, kinda, but probably not what you're thinking of."
"So, what are you thinking?"

And then I have to explain that I just want to live in Europe. I don't want to be a "missionary." I want to be a person.

I got to talk about that today to people who understand.
Representatives from Josiah Venture were on campus today. Gord Nickerson spoke in chapel and I was able to talk to him, Laura Hash, and Josh Howard during the hour after. Yes, that means I skipped class. This was absolutely worth it. I mean, I was talking about my future. I think that's a perfectly acceptable excuse to not go to class.

I smiled through the entire chapel service this morning. I got to see the beardy face of Tim Pedersen and the back of Melanie North's head. I got to hear part of the song that we heard several times a day for the whole trip. I got to remember why I loved my time there and why I want to go back.

Because here's the thing: the Great Commission isn't necessarily a a command to "go."
It's a command to make disciples wherever you are.
This means that I'm called to make disciples here in Shupe Hall, at Bethel, in Mishawaka, in Indiana, in the United States. It's a "bloom where you are planted" kind of thing.

But what if I moved to Europe.
Not as a "professional missionary," but just as a Christian who lives and works in Europe and builds relationships with my neighbors and baristas and language teachers (and English students?). As one who has been filled to be emptied. As a fellow learner and journeyer. As a friend, rather than as one who has an agenda. Because coming in like I have all the answers isn't my style.

This doesn't excuse me at all from doing Kingdom work right now.
But it's what I think about when I think about my future.

Election 2012

This was the first time I could vote in a presidential election.

I didn't vote today.

It would have been easy enough for me to get an absentee ballot or to drive home for the day to vote at my polling place.

But I couldn't, in good conscience, have voted for either candidate.
And I won't regret this decision.

I live in Indiana. My vote, either direction, wouldn't have mattered much.
Romney seems to be taking the state.
(If that's the case, it's interesting that Joe Donnelly is currently ahead in the Senate race.)

My responsibility is to pray for our leaders, whoever they are.
If the President keeps his job, I will pray for him.
If Mitt Romney takes over, I will pray for him.

I'm watching Huffington Post coverage online, and keeping track of the AP map.
It's strange to not be with my parents and to not be coloring a map of the country to turn into my Social Studies teacher tomorrow.

It's going to be a close race.
I don't think we'll have a final answer for a couple days.

I'm a little bit proud that I didn't vote.
And I love thinking that I might be living in a different country for the next election.

Good night, readers.
Have a great Election Night!