Early November Reflections: Part Two.

I would have put all of this in one post, but that would have been a very long post and I don't want to do that to you.

This part of my reflections comes out of a difficult, painful, frustrating, and slightly awkward relationship situation.
As always, I'll be as non-specific as I can. But for those of you who know parts of the story, here's some more insight.

There's this guy who liked me for a while.
I kinda had this figured out, and wasn't sure what to think of it.
We were friends, and always had good conversations.
Sometimes I thought, "hey, maybe I could like like him."
But I never got that far.

Certain events this summer culminated in a conversation at the beginning of the school year.
We came to the vague conclusion that we would remain friends.

We hardly spoke to each other for two months.

And then we had another conversation.
It seemed that it was all or nothing.
And if I had let myself make an emotional decision, it would have been all.

I'm glad I didn't let myself make that decision, because it would have broken too many hearts, including ours.

I'm not sure that I'm ready for a relationship.
I want to be. I wish I could be. And perhaps, with the right person, I could learn how to be.
But with him, knowing what I know now, I don't think it would have gone well.

And this has led me to think about my romantic history.

Earlier today, one of my professors was telling us the premise of the movie "Ladyhawke."
He's a wolf during the night, she's a hawk during the day, they only have the twilight hours to spend together, but they somehow manage to be in love.
I sat there and muttered "that's not love."
My friend Zach said "Stop being so jaded."
"I've earned my jadedness."
"I could argue, but I won't."

If we hadn't been in class, I would have told him my stories.
Yes, he has his own reasons for being jaded about love.
And yes, I'm making my life sound more dramatic than it really is.
But I've let my heart get broken so easily because I want so badly to be able to trust.
And then I remember that my trust issues came from very real situations.
Which throws me into this cycle of hermit-status to desperately seeking human interaction to misjudging conversations to facing reality to getting hurt and back to retreating into my shell.
(These are not the kinds of situations that helped lead to problems with trust.)
(I'm also aware that Zach was probably not really looking for any kind of argument. But this is the mood I'm in right now. I'm just feeling a little sensitive about this topic. And when you add that to my love of discussion and storytelling, I had the perfect opportunity to externally process the situation with someone who has a fresh perspective. I didn't. I probably won't.)

The point is, I suppose, this doesn't seem to be my year, as I predicted. I can sit around all I want, wishing someone would ask me out. I've wasted plenty of time with these kinds of thoughts. Just today I was craving sushi and thinking about how wonderful it would be to go on a date to my favorite sushi restaurant.

Let's be real, though. If I'm still writing here about this subject, dropping less-than-subtle hints, I'm clearly not actually ready to go on a sushi date. Not a "real" date, anyway. I don't even know what that means. And if I was asked, I wouldn't be surprised if I either rejected the guy I want to go with, or felt so bad I agreed to go with someone I might not want to spend that kind of time with.

I just need to stop and go back to studying Greek.

Good night.