Facing the Finality of it All

This time on Friday, I will be sitting with my parents watching the late night news.
It will be about time for the first commercial break, during which my mom will head upstairs to go to bed.
I was just about to type that I would probably be receiving a text from her during the writing of this post as my phone lit up with that very text. "goodnight. love you."
Every night. I know to expect a text between 11:08 and 11:18.

Next week is my last Spring Break.
Then I have the last half of my last semester of undergrad.
It's starting to sink in.

I was heading into a meeting with Terry Linhart today, and Dr. Dendiu was standing in his doorway.
These two men have had a profound impact on my life. They have encouraged me and challenged me, and I am so incredibly thankful for them. For a non-major, I have spent a surprising amount of time in courses in the Religion & Philosophy Department. Of the fifteen faculty members on the R&P page on Bethel's website, I have had at least one class with seven. I'm in my fourth class with Brother Tim, my second with Chad Meister (and he is the leader of a discipleship group I'm in), I had my second class with both Dr. Dendiu and DB last semester, Cris Mihut was my advisor for StuCo, I'm on the Student Development Committee with Dr. Eby, and Dr. Gerber was on the trip to England in 2011. I've had interactions with a higher percentage of the faculty in this department than in the English department. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

All of that was a digression.
Terry and Dr. Dendiu joined in with the voices that have been telling me that Bethel will be losing a lot when I graduate.
Those were the first tears of the day, but not the first on this subject.
(The next tears were as Terry made me face a future that is wide open, while I have no idea what I want to do. I was feeling slightly overwhelmed.)
I've been hearing that from so many people whose opinions I respect and value, and who have no idea how much I will be losing when I graduate.

It's finally hitting me that I'm leaving. That I'm really leaving. That I might not ever come back.
And I can't stand it. I'm not ready to graduate.
I'm not ready to leave this place and these people.

As I'm sitting in the lab right now, in walks a freshman I helped as he was writing his final paper for Block 3.
I had taken a couple hundred cookies over to Oakwood on the Sunday night before Finals Week, and ended up talking to several members of this year's Block about whether The Taming of the Shrew was a farce or a story of abusive male dominance. I'm on the side of comedy, and pushed them hard to write it that way. But they all ended up writing on the other side. So I helped the kid formulate a strong argument, because I wanted him to do well, regardless of whether or not I agreed with him.
Then I got rid of the rest of my cookies and went on my merry way.

It's weird enough for a senior to be taking cookies to freshmen, but I definitely can't do it after I graduate.
Too far, Swanson. Too far.
I just like baking cookies, okay! "It's like being a mom without the responsibilities," as it was put so nicely by Casey Stump tonight.

I am leaving. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing for the summer.
I know that I'm going on Choir Tour for the first week after graduation, so I've at least got that figured out.
Cool. Then what?
I have some options, but I'm not going to write about them yet. I've made that mistake before, and then had to take it all back.

Whatever I do this summer, I know it will be good. I'm looking forward to being done with the stress of going to class and getting reading assignments finished and writing papers and editing the Composition Manual and, oh yeah, I'm editing to Composition Manual for the English Department because apparently I'm into editing now even though I never really thought that I would use the English Department-related part of my major but, hey, it will look good on a resume when I finally get around to putting a resume together and it's all getting to be a little bit ridiculous because I still have three papers to write before I leave on Friday so I have no business writing this post and I really hope you're reading this really quickly and that you would be out of breath by now because that's how I feel and how's that for text painting?

Breathe.
Breathe.

I have two more months.
Then I will be done with classes, except for choir on the 26th of April, which I'm guessing we'll have because it's the day of Choral Showcase and we'll have our emotional time of saying "good-bye" to the seniors who aren't going on Choir Tour.
In two months, I will be finished with almost everything.
I might have one final.
I'll have a couple more events.
And then it's over. I'll walk across the stage, get my diploma, smile for the pictures, load up my parents car, and have my last night on campus.

It's coming at me so quickly and I don't know what to do but brace for the impact and try to keep my eyes open so I don't miss anything.

And now, for the first time, I'm in the Computer Lab as they're trying to shut it down.

That's the end.

Thanks for reading and letting me rant to you.
And to those of you who have had to listen to me rant in person, thank you/I'm sorry.

Good night.
I love you all.

How To Be My Valentine (for the hoards of guys who are wondering)

I have fully embraced the fact that I will not graduate with an engagement ring on my finger.
I'm fine with that.
I'm also comfortable with the fact that only two guys have ever expressed romantic interest in me over the past four years, that I have never in my life been on a proper date, and that this is not the first or second or third post about this subject.

Last year around this time, I wrote a post about how I never talk about Valentine's Day. I wrote about how much I dislike chick flicks and the idea of "love" that they present.
I stand by what I wrote then.

This post expands upon the last paragraph of that one. The part that lists a few things that I would really appreciate from the "Someone" I wanted to be my Valentine. To be honest, I'm not sure I even remember who that was.
I just really like gifts. Receiving a gift that I've talked about in a blog post is a dream of mine. That sounds so lame, but it's true. When people tell me that they enjoyed reading a recent post, it immediately improves my day. I don't just write these things for my own benefit. Even if it's just a challenge to you to be more open with people, I write to be read.

Let's be honest, I have never been the best Valentine. When I was in seventh grade, the guy who was my boyfriend gave me a box (covered in duct tape with inside jokes written on it) filled with various kinds of candy. It was awesome. I didn't give him anything.
In eighth grade, my Valentine gave me a bag of chocolate hearts. I didn't give him anything.
I don't like giving obligatory gifts. I will gladly bake something for your birthday if you want me to. But I would rather surprise you three months later with something I know you will appreciate or find amusing. Like a package of gumballs or a Justin Bieber singing toothbrush.

But, in case you have ever wondered, here are a few things that I would make me feel loved right now.

-Flowers. I have made it no secret that flowers are my love language. They just make me smile.
-If I walked outside tomorrow morning (at 6:55, because we have a Music Ministry Team performance at Beulah Missionary and are loading the trailer/vans at 7) to find that the snow had been cleared from my car, I would probably cry. Of course, the tears would freeze on my face and I would have to fix my makeup, but it would be worth it. (My car, a grey Impala, is parked in the Lodge/Shupe lot to the right of the car with the Chastity bumper sticker. That is my roommate's car.)
-White v-neck Hanes undershirts, size Small. I paint them. But I haven't had any new ones in a long time. I miss painting.
-Sushi. Specifically the Dynamite Roll from Soho Japanese Bistro in Granger. It is my absolute favorite food.
-"Stranger Than Fiction" on DVD. It is one of three Will Farrell movies that I actually enjoy watching, and I never get tired of it. (The others are "Elf" and "Megamind," in case you were wondering.)

I will not be disappointed if I don't get any of these things. I am an adult and I have other ways to feel fulfilled. I'll go bake 200 cookies and give them to people.
But I've been told that there must be a bunch of guys who have their eyes on me (though I have no idea who they might be). This is your chance. I'm not as intimidating as I might seem. Seriously. I'm usually either trying to be funny or trying not to embarrass myself.


This entire post is the result of wishing someone would clean off my car so I wouldn't have to.