I'm sitting at my wobbly table. The chair is secure for once.
I'm watching my drink be made incorrectly. The person making it doesn't know that creme de menthe is what a person means when she says "mint." If she wanted peppermint, that's what she would have asked for.
So I'm getting a peppermint mocha instead of a mint mocha.
And I'm okay with that.
I love sitting at this table. If you're a regular reader, you probably know that.
I've got some things to say, so I'll just jump right in.
First: I have a confession to make.
I have spent the past few months thinking I was in some kind of love.
There's this guy I know. He's awesome. We are so much the same that it's scary. I won't go into detail here, because it would be pretty easy to figure out who I'm talking about, but just know that he's great and I love being friends with him.
The more I thought about him and thought about our similarities, the more I thought that maybe we could end up together. I got so consumed with this idea that I stopped actually thinking about the guy.
Last week, there was an awesome coincidence and I was so sure that it meant that we're supposed to be together. It drove me crazy all weekend, because I was gone and I couldn't talk to him. Let's be real. I couldn't talk to him anyway. How do you even start that conversation? "Um, hey [you]. I think we should date. We're probably going to get married, so let's start here." No. Not going to happen. Instead, I talked to the girls I was sharing a room with. I covered the whole "boy situation" in my life with them. And they told me that I was over-analyzing it. True. In the Olymipics (yep, I meant that) of over-analyzing, I would take the top spot, no competition. But I couldn't help it. In the past few days, though, I've thought more about it. And I've been thinking rationally. I know this guy reasonably well, but we don't hang out as much as it takes to make this kind of decision. I love the person that I have invented and tailored to my picture of a perfect future. I saw what I wanted to see and I pretended that that was okay. It's not. I have been so unfair to this amazing guy for so long. Not cool.
I'm not sure whether I'll talk to him about it. I know that I probably should. I mean, a post about it without a conversation and real, personal confession? That's pretty lame. But I'm good at that.
Second: I'm figuring out that part of why I have the tendency to fall in love with ideas is that I don't enjoy accepting certain part of reality. I want so badly to be 25 and madly in love. I want to have a job that I love. I want to be more pretty and more talented and more friendly and more funny and more outgoing and more and more and more. I want to be the girl that always gets the "look back." Not because he wants to check me out, but because he doesn't really want to walk away. I want the romantic comedy love story, but without all the gratuitous sex that is too often mistaken for love and having something in common, and without the tragic break up over something that is actually significant, followed by more sex that obviously means true love. But I guess that's what romantic comedy love stories are all about. I think I just want the speed and ease of it all. I don't want the cliche romantic gestures just because the guy thinks I want them. I want them because he knows who I am and does things because he knows I will love and appreciate them. I want a guy who won't get offended when I'm honest with him, which means that he will also be a guy with whom I can be honest. I'm not going to pretend to be more girly or more spiritual or more anything just because I think that's what a guy wants. I don't care what the average guy wants, because I don't want the average guy. I want the guy whom I can love unselfishly. I want to be loved unselfishly. And I don't think that that's too much to ask, because I know that I serve a powerful God who can do anything. And I'm pretty sure that He wants mutual, unselfish love in all of our relationships. That's the model He gives us. But for some reason, the things that I want and my thought patterns don't line up. Human condition. Something that I don't actually have to be stuck with. Something that God is reminding me to let go of. He has plans for my future, and they are good plans. But they are for the future. The time that I'm living in right now is the future He had for me years ago, and I need to live fully in the present. The more I look ahead, the more I will miss today.
Third: I want to do music with my life. It's what I believe I was created to do. I am not a music major. I will not become a music major. I will take at least 12 credit hours of music prefix classes, but I don't need a degree in music. I love my Liberal Studies major. I am getting a great education and I will graduate with options, if I should decide to pursue a career in anything else. But music is all I can see myself doing. I've said before that JJ Heller has my dream job. Sarah and Andrew Lawrence reminded me that I should not require a guy to play guitar before I meet him. Fine. I'm not promised the life that JJ and Dave have. But I do think that any career I have in music will be some kind of partnership with my husband.
Well, I could keep talking about this for a long time. But Friday Night Fire starts in 25 minutes and I want to get to Shiloh a little early.
Thanks for reading. I'm totally no offended if you laughed at my immature behavior. I have a lot of learning to do.
I'm watching my drink be made incorrectly. The person making it doesn't know that creme de menthe is what a person means when she says "mint." If she wanted peppermint, that's what she would have asked for.
So I'm getting a peppermint mocha instead of a mint mocha.
And I'm okay with that.
I love sitting at this table. If you're a regular reader, you probably know that.
I've got some things to say, so I'll just jump right in.
First: I have a confession to make.
I have spent the past few months thinking I was in some kind of love.
There's this guy I know. He's awesome. We are so much the same that it's scary. I won't go into detail here, because it would be pretty easy to figure out who I'm talking about, but just know that he's great and I love being friends with him.
The more I thought about him and thought about our similarities, the more I thought that maybe we could end up together. I got so consumed with this idea that I stopped actually thinking about the guy.
Last week, there was an awesome coincidence and I was so sure that it meant that we're supposed to be together. It drove me crazy all weekend, because I was gone and I couldn't talk to him. Let's be real. I couldn't talk to him anyway. How do you even start that conversation? "Um, hey [you]. I think we should date. We're probably going to get married, so let's start here." No. Not going to happen. Instead, I talked to the girls I was sharing a room with. I covered the whole "boy situation" in my life with them. And they told me that I was over-analyzing it. True. In the Olymipics (yep, I meant that) of over-analyzing, I would take the top spot, no competition. But I couldn't help it. In the past few days, though, I've thought more about it. And I've been thinking rationally. I know this guy reasonably well, but we don't hang out as much as it takes to make this kind of decision. I love the person that I have invented and tailored to my picture of a perfect future. I saw what I wanted to see and I pretended that that was okay. It's not. I have been so unfair to this amazing guy for so long. Not cool.
I'm not sure whether I'll talk to him about it. I know that I probably should. I mean, a post about it without a conversation and real, personal confession? That's pretty lame. But I'm good at that.
Second: I'm figuring out that part of why I have the tendency to fall in love with ideas is that I don't enjoy accepting certain part of reality. I want so badly to be 25 and madly in love. I want to have a job that I love. I want to be more pretty and more talented and more friendly and more funny and more outgoing and more and more and more. I want to be the girl that always gets the "look back." Not because he wants to check me out, but because he doesn't really want to walk away. I want the romantic comedy love story, but without all the gratuitous sex that is too often mistaken for love and having something in common, and without the tragic break up over something that is actually significant, followed by more sex that obviously means true love. But I guess that's what romantic comedy love stories are all about. I think I just want the speed and ease of it all. I don't want the cliche romantic gestures just because the guy thinks I want them. I want them because he knows who I am and does things because he knows I will love and appreciate them. I want a guy who won't get offended when I'm honest with him, which means that he will also be a guy with whom I can be honest. I'm not going to pretend to be more girly or more spiritual or more anything just because I think that's what a guy wants. I don't care what the average guy wants, because I don't want the average guy. I want the guy whom I can love unselfishly. I want to be loved unselfishly. And I don't think that that's too much to ask, because I know that I serve a powerful God who can do anything. And I'm pretty sure that He wants mutual, unselfish love in all of our relationships. That's the model He gives us. But for some reason, the things that I want and my thought patterns don't line up. Human condition. Something that I don't actually have to be stuck with. Something that God is reminding me to let go of. He has plans for my future, and they are good plans. But they are for the future. The time that I'm living in right now is the future He had for me years ago, and I need to live fully in the present. The more I look ahead, the more I will miss today.
Third: I want to do music with my life. It's what I believe I was created to do. I am not a music major. I will not become a music major. I will take at least 12 credit hours of music prefix classes, but I don't need a degree in music. I love my Liberal Studies major. I am getting a great education and I will graduate with options, if I should decide to pursue a career in anything else. But music is all I can see myself doing. I've said before that JJ Heller has my dream job. Sarah and Andrew Lawrence reminded me that I should not require a guy to play guitar before I meet him. Fine. I'm not promised the life that JJ and Dave have. But I do think that any career I have in music will be some kind of partnership with my husband.
Well, I could keep talking about this for a long time. But Friday Night Fire starts in 25 minutes and I want to get to Shiloh a little early.
Thanks for reading. I'm totally no offended if you laughed at my immature behavior. I have a lot of learning to do.
2 comments:
i thoroughly enjoyed this, and it inspired me to make a blogspot. :)
I love this because you are so gutsy and you lay all of this right out freely without shame. However, I think that I am pretty Olympian in my own ability to over-analyze.
Honestly, your point two is almost to the "T" exactly what I do. I would write about it, but you just did. Thank you
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