Last night we had a choir concert in Osceola. I struggled to engage with the music for most of the program. I've been in a funk for the past few days, and it has affected everything from basic neurological function to my ability to keep from crying. Part of the problem is a lack of sleep, sure.
However, there is something deeper.
Two Tuesdays ago I had an interview for an RA job next year.
Last Tuesday I had an interview for an internship this summer.
Last Tuesday I also auditioned for Voices of Triumph, an a capella ensemble.
The first interview went very well. I left feeling confident, and had affirmation from several friends and acquaintances that I would be a great RA. I wanted this job not just because it's a job, but because an RA does everything that I have been equipped for.
Before the interview last week, I prayed that God would help me to speak clearly. As I listened to the questions and tried to answer them, I wasn't speaking what I really felt. I was giving the answers that I thought were true and that sounded good. After I hung up the phone, I realized that God had not helped me to speak clearly. I knew, and have always known, that His way is the best. I wasn't sure what to think about the situation. I had felt pretty confident about it for the past couple of months, but for the next two days, I just waited.
The VOT audition was half awesome and half terrible. The solo piece was great. I sounded, to my own hearing, wonderful. The sightreading, something that I have been doing for years and was good at, was an absolute train wreck. I really don't know how else to describe it. It was a humiliating experience, and I was angry with myself because I should have done very well. But I haven't had to work on it for the past couple of years and didn't make much of an effort to prepare.
Wednesday: Looked at the VOT list and saw that my name was not on it. But those who did will make it an amazing ensemble. I'm just fine with it, and I say that without a trace of insincerity, bitterness, or sarcasm. But there were tears. I sat in a practice room for a while, and a friend of mine came in and asked how I was doing. I started crying. He knew what was going on and gave me words of encouragement. That is what he always does, and I am so thankful for his presence in my life. More crying.
Thursday: Checked email and found out that I did not get the internship. I had been depending on it for so long, and now I feel lost as to what I will be doing this summer. (If anyone knows of a job, please let me know. Something with youth, music, and Jesus would be ideal.) But, as I have thought more about it, it would not have been a good fit this year. I'm too close. I talked to both of my parents on the phone, and then wandered around aimlessly for a while. I ended up running into a guy who gave me a hug and then made me laugh. It was exactly what I needed.
Friday: Opened my mailbox to see a letter that told me that I'm an alternate RA. If someone quits, I will be considered. I'm just confused about this, so I'm trying not to think about it. Because I don't know what to think or feel, I don't know how to talk about it, so I haven't been able to process it out loud. I have been thinking about housing for next year, and I will do so as though I do not have the job. Jamie and I were just talking about how excited we are about the potential roommates that we've been to. It will be a great situation if it works out.
And so I'm just very uncertain about my life right now. I know that it is in God's hands and that He has a plan and that He will reveal it to me. I just feel like a trapdoor opened under my feet and left me with nothing to hold on to. All of what I thought was in my future is now gone.
This was a day of many tears.
The closing song for our choir program this semester is "Abide With Me." The last verse that we sing is "Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes. Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies. Heaven's morning breaks and earth's vain shadows flee. In life, in death, abide with me."
It was as we sang these words that I finally had a moment of clarity. God shone through the gloom of my life and reminded me that He is holding my right and and that I have no reason to fear.
Let it be known that I have no hard feelings toward any of the people involved in making the various decisions in the past couple of weeks. I say this with complete sincerity and peace in my heart. God is good.
However, there is something deeper.
Two Tuesdays ago I had an interview for an RA job next year.
Last Tuesday I had an interview for an internship this summer.
Last Tuesday I also auditioned for Voices of Triumph, an a capella ensemble.
The first interview went very well. I left feeling confident, and had affirmation from several friends and acquaintances that I would be a great RA. I wanted this job not just because it's a job, but because an RA does everything that I have been equipped for.
Before the interview last week, I prayed that God would help me to speak clearly. As I listened to the questions and tried to answer them, I wasn't speaking what I really felt. I was giving the answers that I thought were true and that sounded good. After I hung up the phone, I realized that God had not helped me to speak clearly. I knew, and have always known, that His way is the best. I wasn't sure what to think about the situation. I had felt pretty confident about it for the past couple of months, but for the next two days, I just waited.
The VOT audition was half awesome and half terrible. The solo piece was great. I sounded, to my own hearing, wonderful. The sightreading, something that I have been doing for years and was good at, was an absolute train wreck. I really don't know how else to describe it. It was a humiliating experience, and I was angry with myself because I should have done very well. But I haven't had to work on it for the past couple of years and didn't make much of an effort to prepare.
Wednesday: Looked at the VOT list and saw that my name was not on it. But those who did will make it an amazing ensemble. I'm just fine with it, and I say that without a trace of insincerity, bitterness, or sarcasm. But there were tears. I sat in a practice room for a while, and a friend of mine came in and asked how I was doing. I started crying. He knew what was going on and gave me words of encouragement. That is what he always does, and I am so thankful for his presence in my life. More crying.
Thursday: Checked email and found out that I did not get the internship. I had been depending on it for so long, and now I feel lost as to what I will be doing this summer. (If anyone knows of a job, please let me know. Something with youth, music, and Jesus would be ideal.) But, as I have thought more about it, it would not have been a good fit this year. I'm too close. I talked to both of my parents on the phone, and then wandered around aimlessly for a while. I ended up running into a guy who gave me a hug and then made me laugh. It was exactly what I needed.
Friday: Opened my mailbox to see a letter that told me that I'm an alternate RA. If someone quits, I will be considered. I'm just confused about this, so I'm trying not to think about it. Because I don't know what to think or feel, I don't know how to talk about it, so I haven't been able to process it out loud. I have been thinking about housing for next year, and I will do so as though I do not have the job. Jamie and I were just talking about how excited we are about the potential roommates that we've been to. It will be a great situation if it works out.
And so I'm just very uncertain about my life right now. I know that it is in God's hands and that He has a plan and that He will reveal it to me. I just feel like a trapdoor opened under my feet and left me with nothing to hold on to. All of what I thought was in my future is now gone.
This was a day of many tears.
The closing song for our choir program this semester is "Abide With Me." The last verse that we sing is "Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes. Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies. Heaven's morning breaks and earth's vain shadows flee. In life, in death, abide with me."
It was as we sang these words that I finally had a moment of clarity. God shone through the gloom of my life and reminded me that He is holding my right and and that I have no reason to fear.
Let it be known that I have no hard feelings toward any of the people involved in making the various decisions in the past couple of weeks. I say this with complete sincerity and peace in my heart. God is good.
