Life Update August 2011

So, I haven't been very biographical when it comes to my posts lately, other than the series.
This is an update between the end of sophomore year and now (the beginning of junior year).

May: Spent a week and a half at home before crossing the Atlantic to spend two weeks in Great Britain. That will be a series of posts sometime. In short, it was amazing.
Came home and got some sad news.

June: Celebrated my Grandma Swanson's 80th birthday with our whole family.
Grandpa Swanson went into the hospital.
Grandma Swanson stayed with us for a weekend.
Grandpa Swanson died.
We went to Illinois for the visitation and funeral.
We went to Wisconsin for the graveside service and funeral.

July: My parents spent a week in Texas and Oklahoma for Missionary Church General Conference.
I spent that week alone in our house, carrying a knife with me every time I went upstairs.
I worked with our youth group.
I led worship on Thursday nights for our college group.
I was numb.
I was infatuated.
I was weary.

August: Repeat most of July.
Harry Potter marathon.
School.

And here we are at a new chapter.
Childhood has ended.
The reality of mortality has finally struck my heart and mind.
I have learned and I am learning.
I have grown and I am growing.
I am trusting and leaning and surrendering.

And that is a glimpse at how my life is right now.

Also, I'm sitting on our window sill breathing the night air, listening to Adele and cicadas and the cars on Logan St., smelling the cupcakes I made today, wishing I didn't have so much reading to do for classes, and waiting for friends to come over.

"The Church"

I am guilty of much of what I'm about to talk about.
I acknowledge this and I am trying to change.

The other night I was with a group of people. One of them shared that he had recently talked to a group of strangers about their experiences in "the church." For all of them, "the church" had been a negative experience. They said that "the church" was full of people who were nit-picky and pushed others away for not being perfect. My friend was so upset by this.

I think that many "church people" are upset by the "world's" view of "the church."
But we forget that we are a part of "the church."
We forget that it is "the church's" responsibility to show people Jesus Christ.
And that is not nit-picky.
God wants people to respond to His love.
People won't respond to His love unless it is shown to them.
And it is not shown unless it is unconditional.
Salvation comes before sanctification.
Salvation is for all.

The goal of Christianity is the peaceful annihilation of all other religions.
"The church" has turned itself into a religion. We have turned perfection into a religion because it is what we expect of ourselves.
And, I think, it is what God wants of us. (He knows that it is impossible, but that is why He gives us grace and mercy.)
But we as Christians cannot hold everyone to the standards to which we hold ourselves.
And we cannot forget that not everyone grows or learns in the same way and on the same timeline.
It is unfair for us to expect a non-Christian to understand that their sin is something that should be eradicated.
And baby Christians cannot be expected to immediately drop every sinful habit.
Dropping sinful habits is a part of sanctification.
And sanctification is a process.

But I think that we as "the church" don't always remember this.
At least not in American culture, where we expect everything to happen instantly.

We are "the church" that we so often criticize.
Let's stop criticizing and start changing.
Let's show love the way Jesus did.
Let's not be afraid to eat with tax collectors and sinners.

Let's show that "the church" knows that God is the judge and we are not.

highs and lows of this month.

highs:
-finishing my summer of working in a warehouse. (I had a great experience there, but it was time to be done.)
-celebrating one of my dearest friends who starts a new chapter in December when she marries the love of her life.
-finishing a Harry Potter movie marathon.
-shopping to live in a house.
-returning to school.
-cooking spaghetti for my friend Bri.
          -acting like a helicopter mom while Bri does homework. (she is sitting on our couch right now.)

lows:
Um. I can't really think of any major tragedies.
Except for the end of serious crushes.
So,
-realizing how much time I have spent on things that don't matter.


And thus ends the 30 day blogging challenge.
I've accomplished this.
And I suppose that counts as a high for the month.

days 28 and 29.

"Something that you miss."


Childhood.

I miss the days when I could pretend that I'd never grow up.
I miss the days when I didn't have to deal with real problems.
I miss the days when I didn't know that electricity and water cost money.
I miss the days when I didn't know about all of the horrible things that happen in the world.

I miss the days when I didn't know that friends and family could die.
I miss the days when I thought sickness only happened in other people's families.
I miss the days when I didn't think anything would ever happen to me.
I miss innocence.

"Goals for the next 30 days."


1. Get up at 7:00am for MWF classes, 9:00am for Tuesdays, and 10:00am for Thursdays.
2. Use all 10 meal swipes every week.
3. Keep my desk, closet, etc. organized.
4. Actually make an effort when it comes to schoolwork, friendships, etc.

And tonight I will write the last post in this series.

"A problem that you have had."

Rejection.
And avoiding it.
And how I deal with it.

I spent the month of March trying for jobs and whatnot and didn't get anything.
And I didn't deal with it properly.

I really did believe that God had something else for me.
But I never admitted that I was terrified as to what that might be.
I never admitted that I was desperate to find out what was coming.
That much rejection had to be leading up to something amazing, right?

So I put on a brave face through it all.
It wasn't for a couple of months that I finally yelled it all out.
I finally admitted that I was angry about it all.

I avoid rejection, too.
I don't try.
I wait for offers that I know aren't going to fall through.
I've been lazy about school, searching for jobs, thinking seriously about the future.

But that's changing.
I'm learning how to confront my problems and emotions.
I'm learning how to take things into my own hands.

I'm learning.

"What kind of person attracts you?"

Confident, but not cocky.
Humble, but not self-deprecating.
Jesus-loving.
Musical.
Funny (the way I understand funny).
Smart, but not in an unfortunate way.

Like me, but not exactly like me.
Willing to put forth the effort it takes to maintain a relationship.
(I'm not good at this, so it takes a special person.)

I know it when I see it.

movies and fascination.

"Your favorite movie and what it's about."


Here's the problem: I don't have a favorite movie.
Does anyone truly have one favorite movie?

So I'll do top three (at most; not in order) in various categories.

Comedy: "Hot Rod," Okay, there really aren't many comedies that are more comedy than romance. And the ones that are are just plain awful ("Dumb and Dumber"). I don't even know why I like "Hot Rod."

Romantic Comedy: "Artois the Goat," "The Holiday," um. I'm drawing a blank now. I'm sure there's something. "The Holiday" is a stretch right now, even though it is a good movie.

Children's/Animated: "Jonah: A Veggietales Movie," "Aladdin," "Fantasia."

Drama/Action: "The Shawshank Redemption," "The Patriot," "Inception"

Other (fitting into several categories): "Stranger than Fiction," "Benny and Joon"

Horror: Oh wait. I don't watch horror movies.

Musical: "Across the Universe," "Moulin Rouge," "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"

Series: The Harry Potter series, the Lord of the Rings series, the Pirates of the Caribbean series.

"Someone who fascinates you and why."


Oh dear.
How can I do this without being too obvious?

I can't.
So I won't.

I suppose I'd say that Hitler is fascinating.
I mean, how can one person harbor so much hatred?

And isn't it strange and terrifying to think that, if we chose, any of us could do that sort of destruction?

I am destructive every day.
I judge and tear down and murder.
(In Biblical terms, you know, the whole hatred equals murder part of the Sermon on the Mount.)
I just do it all inside my head or under my breath.
I get upset with people for driving too closely behind me.
I get annoyed with baristas and cashiers and my own parents.

Is my hatred different from that of Adolf Hitler?
Just because it is not expressed in such gruesome and widespread ways?

Perhaps it is, because I acknowledge that what I do is wrong.
Perhaps it is, because I know that I am covered by the grace of God.

But, perhaps it is not.
Sin is sin?
Murder is murder?

Does God look at my silent murder differently from Hitler's mass murder?

(These are not really meant to be hypothetical/rhetorical questions. I'm okay with thought-out responses.)

This is an iffy post, especially because it will show up when those who are checking out Bethel Blogger applicants look at my page.
But this is an honest post.
And is nothing like any post that I would put on a Bethel Blog.

Readers.

So, I was just looking at my stats.

I have had readers in Germany, Canada, United Kingdom, South Korea, Japan, Russia, India, Iran, Ireland,  and Australia.

This is a little overwhelming.
How did my blog end up in Iran?

Readers, y'all are awesome.
Even if you ended up here by accident.

Or by searching "marilynn ham"+"wedding."

So, dear reader, where are you from?

"Something you'd like to learn."

Love.
Real love.
Unconditional love.

Because I can't really know it.
I can't really understand it.
I simply can't comprehend what it means to love without condition.

At some point, something's gotta give.
That's part of being human.

I can say that I love the sinner and hate the sin, but a part of me, deep down, knows that that is not entirely true.

I wish my heart wasn't so full of judgment and condemnation.
I wish that I could be more like God when it comes to love.
Yes, I believe that God judges. But He is the only One who has that power and authority.
I can point out when behavior is inconsistent with the teaching of Scripture.
But I don't get to decide Eternity for anyone else.

Too bad I won't every truly learn this.

But I'm thankful that it's how God loves me.

Television and Change.

"One of your favorite TV shows."

"Food Network Star."
It is WONDERFUL!
It takes normal people who have a passion for food and turns one of them into a TV host. How cool is that?

Go Sandwich King!! (Even though I loved Susie.)

"How have you changed in the past 2 years?"


Well, I have become more outgoing.
I have grown in my freedom in Christ.
My style has changed. (I call myself 'pseudo-hipster.')
My priorities have changed. (I understand that what I do now affects the rest of my life.)
My passions changed from English and Spanish to baking and coffee.
I have learned that God always comes through and the answer is not always what I wanted it to be.

I have made it through 21 days worth of blog posts (without Sundays, except for that one).
The next nine days are going to be really fun.

parents and education.

Disrespecting your parents.


Well, my parents read my blog, and they'd have quite a bit to say about this.

• Willingness and desire are different things. The way the question is asked will determine the answer.

I wouldn't say that I always make a conscious effort to not disrespect my parents, but I do feel guilty when I make a conscious decision to disrespect them.

How important you think education is.

VERY! That's why I'm staying at Bethel and getting my Bachelor's instead of just jumping into a baking program.

I'm learning. I'm experiencing. I'm growing. I'm living.

Yeah.

"Your beliefs."

I believe in one holy God, who exists in three Persons.

I believe that God the Father sent His only Son, Jesus, to live as a man.
I believe that Jesus experienced what we experience: pain, temptation, sadness, joy, and death.
I believe that he did not sin.
I believe that three days after he was killed like a criminal, he rose and walked among men again.

I believe that he ascended to Heaven to return to the right hand of the Father.

I believe that the Holy Spirit of God lives within those who have accepted Christ as their personal savior, and who desire relationship with him. The Spirit serves as Guide, among other things. He convicts and comforts.

I believe that, when I die, I will be judged. And I believe that I will spend Eternity in Heaven.

I believe that truth is not relative.
I believe that there is only one way.

I believe much more than this, but this is simple. This is understandable.
This is not meant to change your mind. It's more important that your heart is changed.

That is what I believe.

"Your highs and lows of this past year."

Highs: conVERGE.
Renewal on campus.
Learning about grace, peace, and unending love.
Two weeks in England.
Realizing how much I love baking and how much people love baked goods.
And that there's a future in such a business.

Lows: My grandpa died.
I interviewed and auditioned for a bunch of stuff and didn't get any of it.
I started faking everything.

It really hasn't been a good year. But after three awesome years in a row, I suppose I'm due for a bad one.

"Your views on mainstream music."

I tend to not know what's going on.

I like songs more than I like the people who write them.
Excepting Adam Young. I love him and his music.

I like music that presents Truth.

I don't like music about trash (and I don't mean that literally).

"Brothers and sisters, think about the things that are good and worthy of praise. Think about the things that are true and honorable and right and pure and beautiful and respected."
Philippians 4:8 (NCV)

Yeah, that's how I feel about music in general.

playing catch up.

I wasn't going to post on Sundays, but I have been slacking this week so I'm going to get caught up.

Post for August 4: "Somewhere you'd like to move or visit."
I'd like to move to Jamaica for at least a year. I spent a week and a half there in 2007 and fell in love with it.
There is so much need for God's Truth among the people, and I would love to be a part of that.
It is such a beautiful place that is known so well for its resorts and honeymoon potential, but a huge amount of the population is in poverty, living in 14'x14' houses.
I want to shine a light.

I'd like to move to England for at least a year. To learn and work and teach and show that "church" doesn't have to be sleep-inducing. Of course, that could be a dangerous thing with the whole "the reigning monarch is in charge of the church" thing. But for crying out loud. No one speaks Latin. Sure, it's beautiful when a choir sings in a cathedral with a high ceiling. But what teenager, living in a world of Lady Gaga, wants to sit through that? Not many that I know. I want to break tradition. I want to show that low church non-traditions are just fine with God.

I want to visit every country in Europe. Every single one. I'd be willing to spend a year doing that.
And I want to visit China, Russia, India, Brazil, Australia, New Zealand, and Guatemala.
And every state in the Union, plus Puerto Rico.
Yeah. I want to travel.

Post for August 5: "Your earliest memory."


I remember a lot from my childhood. I remember using God's name in vain when I was about four. My mom and brother freaked out and told me to never do that again. I didn't until late elementary school. Then I went through a "trying to fit in" phase that lasted through middle school.

I remember my brother shoving a handful of shaving cream into my face on my fourth birthday.

I remember so much about my first best friend (my first love).
I remember scraping my hands while we drew with chalk on his back patio.
I remember getting stung by a bee on my eyebrow and going to his house.

I remember learning to ride a bike by riding across the street and back, turning around in the driveway.
I remember my brother teaching me to rollerskate at my grandparents old house.

Post for August 6: "Your favorite Tumblrs."


I don't use Tumblr as much as I could. I have one, but I don't do much on it that doesn't happen automatically.
So I don't have any favorites. I don't care enough to check anyone's on a regular basis.

Okay, I'm caught up.

days behind.

Three posts in one day.
1. "Discuss your first love."

We were five years old.
He had red hair.
He lived behind our next door neighbors.
He was my best friend.
And I guess I loved him.

And then his family moved to Michigan and we moved to Fort Wayne.
We visited them but the friendship between our families fiizzled a bit.
We still exchange Christmas cards and graduation party invitations.
And I still wonder what it would be like to meet him as he is now.

2. "Put Your iPod on Shuffle and Write 10 Songs That Pop Up."

Okay, so I'm going to use iTunes and write the first 10 songs that pop up.

First: "Mundi Renovatio" as sung by the IPFW University Singers at IMEA 2009
Second: "Home for the Holidays" as sung by the Fort Wayne Youth Chorale in 2005.
Third: "Anything is Possible" by ZOEgirl
Fourth: "Rooftops" by Landon Pigg
Fifth: "Theme from 'Mission Impossible."
Sixth: "Vincent" by Josh Groban
Seventh: "Here We Come A-Caroling" from a CD I got at Goodwill
Eighth: "Because of Your Love" by Phil Wickham
Ninth: "Angels" by Owl City
Tenth: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" as sung by Rascal Flatts.

3. "Bullet your whole day."

• woke up around 7:15
• got ready for work (prepared lunch, got dressed, etc.)
• rode to work.
• filled orders.
• ate lunch.
• sorted makeup
• cleaned up
• came home
• relaxed (while watching "Greek.")
• ate Ramen
• started making packing lists for school.
• took a shower.
• and here I am now, writing a post, watching "Greek," thinking about school, getting ready for a mad cleaning/packing dash. or some reheated lasagna.

And now I'm caught up. I think.