People tell me that I would be a great mom.
Actually, they tell me that I'm going to be a great mom.
I laugh every time. There are few things that make me laugh every time I hear them.
I first laugh because it seems like a foregone conclusion that I will be a mother someday, like I have no choice in the matter, like it's the game of Life and I have to stop to add children to my car.
Now, I'm not certain, but I think that children are optional. And I'm pretty sure that marriage is optional.
As of this moment, right now, 6:30pm on 29 December 2012, I, Hope Elizabeth Swanson, do not want to have children. Before you start to question me, before you start to cast judgment, before you whisper to me through your screen that "you'll change your mind," keep reading. If you have any love or respect for me, please, keep reading.
It's true that I love to bake and to take care of people and I am objective (which is a great asset for mothers of teenagers), but have you ever seen me around a young child? Probably not, because I tend to avoid them.
Until humans reach late adolescence, they are nearly incapable of thinking logically. They cannot step outside of situations and see the perspective of another person. I have a hard time not doing that. And that's one of the traits that people who know me really struggle with. I push back against arguments and question everything. I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm just trying to make you really believe what you say you believe. And if you find that I'm poking too many holes in your argument, you had better figure out how to patch them, or you're not going to have anything to stand on. People hate that, and I totally understand them, because I hate it, too.
So imagine the children I would raise. Because, let's face it, my husband had better be a superb arguer or I'll just get bored. I don't mean that I want to fight with my husband. I don't like to fight. I like to be difficult, because I believe it's that kind of difficulty that helps make people better. That's what works for me, so I need a life partner who can match me in that skill. The people I like the most are the ones who push back against what I say. That's the conversation that I love. That's what I need from my husband.
What would happen to the children raised in that household? They would become great arguers, maybe even politicians or diplomats or negotiators. I'd probably push them to study psychology in college, because they would be naturally good at it. They would be capable of disciplines requiring abstract thinking, like philosophy, and anything requiring logic, like mathematics. I'd make sure they were structured, but free to explore their interests. They would accomplish great things with their lives. But in the meantime, they would be in public schools, trying to argue with their fellow students, with teachers, with principals. I would be on the school's speed dial, if speed dial still exists in fifteen years. They would know the pain of ridicule. They would hurt people with their words, like I have. On their way to the top, they would accidentally trample those who should rise with them. They would miss opportunities to help others, because to help is too often to hurt.
The world doesn't need more children like that. The world doesn't need more children like me. There will be enough difficult children, raised by others who are arguers.
It isn't often seen now, but I have had problems with controlling my emotions, especially anger. I was terrible in middle school. So much screaming. It was awful, and I'm ashamed of it. Not many people see me angry now, whether because of brain development or because I've learned how to manage it. It's more likely to manifest in tears now, though I've been known to throw a punch or two. And that's where the problem arises. What happens when my children make me angry? I am so against spanking children, because I believe there are other ways that are at least as effective. (But raise your kids how you want. Seriously. You are the parents of your own children, and I have no right to criticize how you discipline them.)
I would never feel as guilty as if I hit my child in anger. Even as I think about it, I feel the shame. I would hate myself. I can't do it. I won't do it.
And finally, a trait that I like that would make being a parent difficult, although it's a little bit selfish: I'm a traveler. I hate being settled. When I get settled, like I am right now, I have to live up to certain expectations that I don't think are actually "me." I have changed so much in the past four years, I changed in the four years before that, and I expect to keep changing. I want to be able to pack up and move if I need to. That might mean that I won't get married. It will definitely mean that I will have few close friends. It will mean that I won't have much of a career. (I won't go somewhere if I don't have a job. I'm not that free-spirited.) If I don't get married, I probably won't have children. I just don't think that moving around like that is very good for children. My childhood was close enough, having my best friend move away at age 5, having another best friend switch schools, and having another best friend literally talk about me behind my back. Losing connections like that is not healthy. At least, it wasn't for me. Ever notice that most of my close friends are from elementary school? It takes a long time for me to build that kind of connection. So I'm not going to put other human beings through that if I can help it.
Friends, I believe that I can be fully human, fully female and feminine, fully myself, and not have children.
I also believe that God is good, is stronger than birth control, and will help me be the best mother I can be if He decides that I should have children. He won't leave me alone. Ever.
But, for now, I don't want kids. I'm happy to bake cookies for college freshmen and to hold babies whenever I get a chance and to smile at toddlers at the grocery store and to cheer on the girl at the bowling alley being tormented by her older brothers. I'm happy to play the role of big sister, aunt, grandma, and yes, even mother at times. But I like not having to take the kids home with me. (Okay, I live on the same floor as some of them, but that's beside the point.)
And yeah, I know that I might change my mind. I know that all of those traits can be managed. I know, I know, I know. Shut up and let me live my own life. I say that in the most loving way possible.
Actually, they tell me that I'm going to be a great mom.
I laugh every time. There are few things that make me laugh every time I hear them.
I first laugh because it seems like a foregone conclusion that I will be a mother someday, like I have no choice in the matter, like it's the game of Life and I have to stop to add children to my car.
Now, I'm not certain, but I think that children are optional. And I'm pretty sure that marriage is optional.
As of this moment, right now, 6:30pm on 29 December 2012, I, Hope Elizabeth Swanson, do not want to have children. Before you start to question me, before you start to cast judgment, before you whisper to me through your screen that "you'll change your mind," keep reading. If you have any love or respect for me, please, keep reading.
It's true that I love to bake and to take care of people and I am objective (which is a great asset for mothers of teenagers), but have you ever seen me around a young child? Probably not, because I tend to avoid them.
Until humans reach late adolescence, they are nearly incapable of thinking logically. They cannot step outside of situations and see the perspective of another person. I have a hard time not doing that. And that's one of the traits that people who know me really struggle with. I push back against arguments and question everything. I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm just trying to make you really believe what you say you believe. And if you find that I'm poking too many holes in your argument, you had better figure out how to patch them, or you're not going to have anything to stand on. People hate that, and I totally understand them, because I hate it, too.
So imagine the children I would raise. Because, let's face it, my husband had better be a superb arguer or I'll just get bored. I don't mean that I want to fight with my husband. I don't like to fight. I like to be difficult, because I believe it's that kind of difficulty that helps make people better. That's what works for me, so I need a life partner who can match me in that skill. The people I like the most are the ones who push back against what I say. That's the conversation that I love. That's what I need from my husband.
What would happen to the children raised in that household? They would become great arguers, maybe even politicians or diplomats or negotiators. I'd probably push them to study psychology in college, because they would be naturally good at it. They would be capable of disciplines requiring abstract thinking, like philosophy, and anything requiring logic, like mathematics. I'd make sure they were structured, but free to explore their interests. They would accomplish great things with their lives. But in the meantime, they would be in public schools, trying to argue with their fellow students, with teachers, with principals. I would be on the school's speed dial, if speed dial still exists in fifteen years. They would know the pain of ridicule. They would hurt people with their words, like I have. On their way to the top, they would accidentally trample those who should rise with them. They would miss opportunities to help others, because to help is too often to hurt.
The world doesn't need more children like that. The world doesn't need more children like me. There will be enough difficult children, raised by others who are arguers.
It isn't often seen now, but I have had problems with controlling my emotions, especially anger. I was terrible in middle school. So much screaming. It was awful, and I'm ashamed of it. Not many people see me angry now, whether because of brain development or because I've learned how to manage it. It's more likely to manifest in tears now, though I've been known to throw a punch or two. And that's where the problem arises. What happens when my children make me angry? I am so against spanking children, because I believe there are other ways that are at least as effective. (But raise your kids how you want. Seriously. You are the parents of your own children, and I have no right to criticize how you discipline them.)
I would never feel as guilty as if I hit my child in anger. Even as I think about it, I feel the shame. I would hate myself. I can't do it. I won't do it.
And finally, a trait that I like that would make being a parent difficult, although it's a little bit selfish: I'm a traveler. I hate being settled. When I get settled, like I am right now, I have to live up to certain expectations that I don't think are actually "me." I have changed so much in the past four years, I changed in the four years before that, and I expect to keep changing. I want to be able to pack up and move if I need to. That might mean that I won't get married. It will definitely mean that I will have few close friends. It will mean that I won't have much of a career. (I won't go somewhere if I don't have a job. I'm not that free-spirited.) If I don't get married, I probably won't have children. I just don't think that moving around like that is very good for children. My childhood was close enough, having my best friend move away at age 5, having another best friend switch schools, and having another best friend literally talk about me behind my back. Losing connections like that is not healthy. At least, it wasn't for me. Ever notice that most of my close friends are from elementary school? It takes a long time for me to build that kind of connection. So I'm not going to put other human beings through that if I can help it.
Friends, I believe that I can be fully human, fully female and feminine, fully myself, and not have children.
I also believe that God is good, is stronger than birth control, and will help me be the best mother I can be if He decides that I should have children. He won't leave me alone. Ever.
But, for now, I don't want kids. I'm happy to bake cookies for college freshmen and to hold babies whenever I get a chance and to smile at toddlers at the grocery store and to cheer on the girl at the bowling alley being tormented by her older brothers. I'm happy to play the role of big sister, aunt, grandma, and yes, even mother at times. But I like not having to take the kids home with me. (Okay, I live on the same floor as some of them, but that's beside the point.)
And yeah, I know that I might change my mind. I know that all of those traits can be managed. I know, I know, I know. Shut up and let me live my own life. I say that in the most loving way possible.
3 comments:
"Until humans reach late adolescence, they are nearly incapable of thinking logically."
Favorite line, probably because I've spent break with a bunch of these tiny humans. I love this post, Hope. It just makes a lot of sense. God's got a wild ride in store for you, I'm sure, and I think your attitude towards marriage and children is a really great one. But you know, I think the world could probably stand a couple more Hopes somewhere way down the road. :-)
Your words make me feel really reflective. I know that had I written my story at 21 it would not be this one- no way, no how.
I can't wait to see what's in store for you...
(And great arguer... were you raised by arguers?)
I love this post. I love that you know what you want and don't want. I'm notorious for not knowing what I want and I admire people who know.
I also found myself imagining this as a post Sofia might write in about 13 years. And that was especially cool.
(Happy New Year, and minus four teeth).
Post a Comment