Jesus is NOT my Valentine! (and other stories)

1. JESUS IS NOT MY VALENTINE!
You call a guy your Valentine for one day. Then he isn't your Valentine anymore.
Often, the person you call your "Valentine" is your boyfriend on any other day.
Jesus is not my "boyfriend."
A "boyfriend" is what you have to figure out whether you want to marry the guy.
But I know that I'm betrothed. I'm headed to the wedding supper of the Lamb when this life is over.
That isn't changing, even if I do end up with an earthly marriage.

So, why do you say that Jesus is your Valentine?
Because you really do wish that you had a boyfriend but you want to put on a brave face for your Facebook friends and Twitter followers?
Because you're trying to convince yourself (and others) that Valentine's Day is silly?
Or because you know that you are loved?

Look, I'd be lying if I said I didn't care that I didn't have anything close to a Valentine today.
But I want a real relationship more than I want someone to be special for today only.
And that's how I intend to treat Jesus.
He's the Lover of my soul.

Think about that.

2. My friends don't know how mean I am; everyone else thinks I hate them.
My close friends, the ones who really know me, are often shocked when I talk about being mean. I very rarely try to be hurtful. I am only deliberately mean when I'm trying to push people away. And that pretty much only happens when I'm trying to get a guy to stop liking me.

But it has come to my attention (really, I got called out on it) that I come across as a very rude person.
I appear to tear people apart without realizing it. And I have hurt people in the process.

I have never been "the cool kid." At least, no one has ever made me think that I have been.
I learned early on that the "cool kids" were the ones who made fun of other kids.

I am empathetic. I am capable of feeling what others are feeling.
But I have never been able to get away with pitying myself. I have never been able to get away with selfishly complaining about what others have done to me.
My parents have always pointed out what the other person might be thinking.
And we Swansons are great arguers.

But I'm a little twisted, and I don't choose empathy first.
I immediately go into problem-solving mode. I don't have patience for self-victimizing.

I am caustic, but only on the outside.
I cannot make my face display the sarcasm that I mean.
And it is not fair for me to expect everyone to understand that right away or to stick around long enough to get used to it.

I apologize for the pain I have caused.
I assure you that it was not intentional, but that is no excuse.

3. I'm stuck in a rut.
I go to classes, come home, eat, watch tv, do homework, go to SG and pretend to do homework while not actually getting much done, tweet about it, spend way too much time on Facebook, blah, blah, blech.

I can't really figure out why I do it. I know why it started, but now it's getting out of hand.
The monotony of my life is getting out of hand. Paradox? Maybe. But I'm losing my mind in it.
The things I set out to do aren't happening. I'm mostly okay with that. But I'm not doing anything to make things happen, so I can't complain.

But I'm tired of it.
The routine is changing.
Get ready.

Time to start this Wednesday.

I never talk about Valentine's Day.

Okay, so it's not really never, but I tend to keep pretty quiet on the subject.

This is a processing post, because I want to figure out how I really feel about Valentine's Day.
Welcome to my life.

If you're a long-time reader, you know how I feel about chivalry.
But that's not the whole story.

I think I like the idea of romance.
I like the idea of being liked enough for someone to know me and know what I like.
But I'm really picky about these things, so knowing me well and being able to read me (which I make difficult) is imperative.

I hate chick flicks. More accurately, I hate what chick flicks have done to our view of men and manhood. The idea of "love" that they portray is sickening: Boy meets girl. Boy and girl flirt/go on dates/agree to not fall in love. Boy and girl sleep together. Boy and girl are in love. Ex-girlfriend/boyfriend comes to town. Boy cheats/girl cheats. Boy and girl break up and try to see other people. Girl/boy realizes that she can't live without boy/girl. Big romantic scene (often in the rain). Boy and girl kiss like their lives depend on it. "I love you." End credits roll. Oh, and all of this happened in a few months at most.


Hey, that's not real life.
At least, not in my experience.
It doesn't make for a healthy relationship.


The guys in these movies are unlike any that I have ever met.
They are either very intelligent ("he can take care of me") or they're idiots ("I can fix him/he's so precious"). They are either smokin' hot (like Ryan Gosling) or lovably chubby (Seth Rogan). The former gives guys a standard to live up to that makes them either insecure (if they don't think they've got it) or super cocky (if they think they look better than Ryan. ha.). The latter character tends to be the idiot who has has a few shining moments of seriousness. Most girls I know aren't patient enough to wait for those moments, regardless of the guy's level of attractiveness.
So, ladies, let's look around at the guys we know and accept the fact that they can't and won't be Noah Calhoun. Give them a break. They try in the ways that they know. Give them a chance.

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the idea of being loved.
I am not anti-Valentine's Day, nor do I pretend to be while I actually secretly wish someone would buy me flowers. Let's be real, I would be glad to get flowers from someone other than my parents.
I would love to be someone's Valentine, but not just anyone.
I am not so desperate to be in a relationship that I'm going to fall for the first guy who shows interest.
Nor will I show my cards and tell you who I want to be my Valentine. But I do have at least one Someone in mind.

But, when Tuesday rolls around, I will probably treat at it as just another day. And  I will go to bed and hope that things will be different a year from now.

I don't think I've really settled how I feel about Valentine's Day.
And I suppose that's okay.

In case you're wondering or you think that you might be that "Someone" I have in mind: I like calla lilies, daffodils, roses, and Gerber daisies (I do not like bouquets that have baby's breath); dark chocolate, and flavored coffee.