Tonight I opened doors for a few different guys at a couple different times.
The first time, the guy's hands were full. He thanked me for holding the door.
The second time, I was with two friends. (That sounds like the first guy was not a friend. He was. He is. Whatever, I'm tired.) I got to the door first and opened it. One of them walked in and it wasn't a big deal. The second friend insisted that I enter the room before him. He used chivalry as an explanation.
This annoyed me, and I wasted no time in expressing my frustration. I opened the door because I was the first one there. I was being nice. And I fully intended to hold the door for both friends. I almost always hold doors open. It's a way of serving people. Sometimes they thank me, sometimes they don't, sometimes it gets awkward. But it's something I don't mind doing.
When a guy tells me that he should open the door for me just because I happen to be female, I don't really find it that impressive. If I'm on a date, sure, I'll let the guy open the door. But if he doesn't, that's fine. I'm not a huge fan of traditional (stereotypical) gender roles. I don't think that doors should be opened for me because of genetics and anatomy. I think that doors should be opened for me because people are being friendly.
If I open the door for you and you happen to be male, don't argue or stand there waiting for me, just go through the freaking door. I made an effort and I think it should be appreciated.
Chivalry, according to Dictionary.com, is "the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms." The rest of the definitions also pertain to knighthood. Boys, we live in the 21st century. We live in the United States. As much as we want to believe that our "knight in shining armor" is coming for us, I think we're all resigned to the idea that he doesn't really exist. At least not in the way he's presented in the modern kind of fairy tales. Prince Charming isn't out there, either.
Maybe I'm just a cynic. Okay, I'm definitely a cynic. But I do believe in love. Real love. The love that is an action, not a feeling. The love that "wills good of another" (Dale and Jonalyn Fincher). I'm not expecting someone to come sweep me off my feet and carry me away. Honestly, if someone sweeps me off my feet, I'll probably be wary of his intentions. Been there, made that mistake, learned from it. I'm waiting for someone who will see me and accept me as an equal partner in a relationship.
When the Finchers were at Bethel, the girls had a special session with Jonalyn. She said something that I think about every time someone thanks a guy for holding a door, just because he's a guy. She said to thank him because what he did was kind and friendly, rather than because it was chivalrous. I think it was about projecting an image on him and forcing him into a certain role. Even if it wasn't, I like that reasoning. I don't want any guy to think that, in order to be "masculine" and fulfill his role as a male, he must have certain characteristics and tendencies.
That's what's been on my mind for the past couple of days.
Good night.
8 comments:
you are your mother's child :-)
Enjoyed the thoughts.
I'm amazed that, as a guy, how many women are suspicious of me holding the door for them. They approach it warily, holding out their arm to catch it in case I let go. Apparently many women are used to this from men these days. Sadly.
And I like the idea that women can hold the door for me. After all, if the door isn't heavy, why not? Women are allowed to cook elaborate meals for men, spending hours, holding heavy pans... why not let women hold doors for men when they choose. It only takes 10 seconds and is lighter than leveraging a crock-pot.
I like C. S. Lewis' definition of chivalry: "stern in battle; meek in the hall." Since you are holding doors in the "hall," I don't see why meekness in walking through them should be avoided.
I'm not a fan of women in battle, not because men are built for battle (contra Eldridge, Robert Lewis, etc) but that's because wars are already ugly with men. No need to make it uglier by bringing in every segment of society to see the muck.
Finding your equal in romance... I'm with you 100%!
Thanks for your reflection.
I love taking after my mother.
Dale, thank you for your additional thoughts. You and your wife have greatly influenced this line of thinking, and I definitely appreciate you for that.
Women in battle: I don't really have a stance on the subject, but I never thought about that reasoning. It makes sense.
Finding my equal: I would hope you agree, since I got the terminology from you. :-)
You know, of course, why women are sent through first? Back when we were creating chivalry, going through doors was dangerous. Which may be why I hold the door regardless of gender.
However, I know from looking in the mirror that service can be its own form of power.
jns... so are you saying that women went through the door first because men were cowardly?
And on the second paragraph... huh?
I think it's sort of about preferences...Matt is very into chivalry...he opens doors for me and walks on the outside of the sidewalk...but he acknowledges that i can change a tire or a headlight bulb myself too. I like being taken care of...because I was a single parent even before I was single an a workhorse...so having someone willing to do heavy lifting or whatever is a nice treat for me...but he also does the dishes and the laundry...so for us, it's more a practical chivalry, I guess. His mother taught him to be a gentleman, the perfect catch...as it were. Good thing his weirdness covered that up until he found me ;-)
Dale-
Not so much cowardly as regarding women as dispensable. Not good either, and not why I do it. But still.
On the second paragraph, I forget that people read comments without having heard my speeches. It is possible for service to not be about humility but to be about pride. Particularly within organizations, like the church, where service is the preferred action, we can build status and power by being servants, at least publicly.
If I always hold the door, for example, it costs me nothing but it builds a reputation for being a serving caring person. If I am always the last one helping, it can look like service, but can in fact be about gaining points for being always there.
Here's the simple way to say it: if the first will be last and the last first, I want to look like I'm the last.
Cynical, I know. Pride works that way.
when i first came to Bethel, the first time a guy opened the door for me...I wanted to fall flat on my face with surprise. I had never met so many boys that opened doors for other people. Of course, I definitely like opening doors for myself especially when I am leading the group. It makes absolute sense that I open the door when I'm leading. I've had the same thing happen where the guy would not go through until I had. It's all an interesting concept.
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