full circle.

I was home alone for the entirety of Memorial Day weekend.
Hannah and Susannah were both headed to weddings and Amber was cat-sitting/working/hanging out.
So I had the apartment to myself.

H was gone by the time I got home from class, I got back from my Chipotle interview (it's been a month and I haven't heard anything. I've given up hope.) just in time to say good-bye to S. Am was on her way out, too. So from the early evening on Friday until late Monday, I mostly watched movies and slept.

But Saturday was a little bit different.
I was incredibly bored and was starting to feel rather lonely.
But I didn't want to be with people nearly as much as I simply needed to get out of the house.
I talked to my mom on the phone and she said I could come home.
I almost did. But I didn't really need to.

I decided to drive to Goshen to find our old house.

I wasn't sure what I was expecting from that trip.
I needed to drive. I needed to cry. I needed to remember.
I put the address in the GPS.
I have never forgotten that address and I don't think I ever will.
I started driving.

As I got closer, I started to get nervous.
Would anyone be outside, wondering what I was doing?
Would I recognize anything as I got closer?

Not really.
Yes.

The church where I first took Communion, soon after I asked Jesus into my heart.
The sign marking the subdivision.


The house with the big front window.
My house.
59000 Lower Drive.

But everything looks different after nearly sixteen years.
The trees are all taller and the houses look so much smaller.
The street I first rode a two-wheeler across seemed a mile wide when I was five.
Now it felt barely wide enough for my car.

I remember riding my bike around the block. There were hills that seemed like mountains back then.
As I drove around the block I tried to find them.
Nothing.
I couldn't believe it.
I felt like the neighborhood had failed me.

When I got there, I realized that I was expecting to feel like I had come home.
I was desperately needing something familiar.
It seems like it's been such a long time since anything has felt like home.

Last school year was rough.
More than I think I've ever written.
It was so different and difficult and I was so ready for it to be over.
But in the last month of the semester, everything seemed to be getting better and I knew that I would miss it.

Then I went home for less than a week before May Term started.
But I was home alone during the day and up late every night organizing my possessions.
I didn't have much time to spend with my parents, and that is what I was so desperate for all year.
And I know that it was partially my fault.

I moved into an apartment with three people.
I had met Susannah only once and for about five minutes.
I barely knew Hannah and Amber at all.

I didn't know what to expect.
But I knew that if it turned out to be terrible, I could look forward to July 10.
That was always the date I would be moving out, whether anyone else knew it or not.

It has definitely not been terrible.
I have loved talking, cooking, laughing, watching movies, going to weddings, and sharing life with these women.
I have not loved how much we've been all over the place and not in the same house for the past few weeks.

I have not loved how much my people skills have diminished because of my lack of human contact (my own fault).
I have not loved how lonely I have made myself feel.
I have not loved my lack of money skills.
I have not loved the mess that is my side of the bedroom right now.

But I've gotten off track.

I'm going home on Tuesday.
And by "home" I mean Fort Wayne.
But that doesn't really feel like home.
Home is my family.
Home is the friends I've had forever.
And that means that home is spread across the Midwest.
And a Katie-sized piece of home is finishing her time in Macedonia.

I'll be with part of my family for a few days.
Then I'll come back, pack up the rest of my stuff, go to a waterpark, and go to Fort Wayne for a week.

Then I leave the country for two weeks.

And then I'm finally in one place for three weeks.
Except for Sarah and Matt's wedding.
I'll be in the Cleveland area for that weekend for a mini-vacation.

I will spend time with my parents.
I will spend time with my dear friends.

Someday I will make it to The Chief to eat Blue Moon ice cream.
Someday I will go to Lake Michigan.
Someday I'll actually finish a Jane Austen book.
Someday, I'll be Somewhere that feels like home.

And it will be, for Eternity.
Homesick doesn't even begin to cover how much I'm looking forward to that.