"A Time You Thought About Ending Your Own Life."

I don't think about ending my own life.

I think about how my life might end.
I think about terminal illness, horrible car wrecks, getting stabbed by a home invader.

But I don't want to end my own life.
That's not my job.

That's all for tonight.

Tomorrow will be better.

"Your views on religion."

This is a weird question.

And I don't really want to answer it, but I'll try.

I don't want to tell you what I believe.

So here's the deal.
The word "religion" makes it sound like it's all about legalism and rituals and insincerity.
And I don't like that.

And yeah, I believe that Jesus is the only way to Heaven.


That's all for today.

"Your views on drugs and alcohol."

I like caffeine.
Okay, I'm addicted to caffeine.
My body requires a certain amount each day, or I end up with a headache.

Medicines:
("All medicines are drugs, but not all drugs are medicines.")
I don't take over-the-counter pain relievers (Tylenol, ibuprofen, etc.) unless I have a true migraine or am too irritable to deal with whatever pain I'm feeling.
But that's more about my own pride than about being opposed to medication.
I am not opposed to chemotherapy or epidurals or Vicodin.
I hate that pain and death and disease exist.
I believe that the medications that can prevent or cure disease are gifts from God.
But they should be used responsibly. Antibiotics should be prescribed carefully. And they should be taken as directed in order to prevent those terrifying superbugs that we hear about.

Other drugs (illegal drugs):
Not for me.
I like to be in control of my mind and emotions.
And I wish that everyone felt that way, but I know that it is sometimes easier to turn to substances.
If these substances were less addictive, if they were less controlling, if they were less gripping of the lives of those who use them, I might be more positive.
But I have seen how lives are ruined, how families are torn apart, how children are left broken-hearted as a result of illegal drugs.
And I am not okay with that.

Alcohol:
This one is a bit of a grey area for me.
I was in the UK two months ago, where the consumption of alcohol is legal for those over the age of 18.
If I had been willing to break the Community Life Covenant I signed with Bethel, not to mention my parents' trust, I would have tried it.
But that would have left me with two years of waiting for another drink.
I don't know how I would feel about that, and it has bothered me since.
I have been in situations in which I could easily take a drink, and I am tempted.
I will wait. I have to wait until I graduate, unless my parents allow it before then.
I turn 21 on Good Friday next year.
It's a good thing I have a bad attitude about the way most people approach Christian holidays.
(But that's another post.)
I am opposed to drunkenness, not drinking.

Umm...yeah. That's what I've got.
I know there are some holes in this post.
They can probably be explained, but I'm tired.

"Where you'd like to be in 10 years."

Portland, Oregon.

The Hopeful Epicurean.
Certified in all the necessary ways to own a bakery/coffee shop/community outreach center.

Married.
Pregnant.

Just the right amount of stress.

Part owner of a lake house.
Excited for the time that I will spend there with my best friends and their families.

Involved in a church.

Or maybe I want to be in Jamaica.
Or China.
Or England.
Or Australia.

But the rest still applies.
Except for the lake house, maybe, because that would be difficult from thousands of miles away.

Really, though, I want to be exactly where God wants me to be.

"Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is."

Well, I'm single.
That is what God has for me right now.
Or, He's waiting for me to take a step.

You see, I don't want to be single.
There is a guy I know.
And I like like him.
And not for who I want him to be, but for who I know him to be.
This is a big deal.

My dad was the first person to know.
And I told him when we arrived at our hotel after visiting the cemetery where many of my ancestors, including my grandfather, are buried.
(My parents got engaged after a visit to that same cemetery, so I thought it was a good time to tell him.)

I've been telling God about this all summer and, as far as I can tell, He hasn't given me any clear answers.
Last week's sermon included a point about taking steps in the direction of our prayers.
So I've been wondering about that this week, because I often want to sit this guy down and say "here's the deal. I like you. I don't care what you want to do with that, but you need to know."
I wonder if that's all it would take, if that would be the beginning of our "happily ever after."
Or if it would be the ending of what might turn out to be a silly crush.
I don't know and I'm confused and impatient.

Do I wait for him to pursue me?
Because that's how it's "supposed to be," the guy chasing the girl?
I won't do it for the sake of tradition.
I just don't know what to do, and it's leaving me feeling unsettled.

Before this summer, the single life had its ups and downs.
I'd be really happy being single, and then I'd be mad about it.
I'd get super jealous of those couples who'd flaunt their couple-ness.
I wanted date nights for the sake of having date nights.
And then I thought about how difficult it is to be in a relationship.
It's not always cute and cuddly. It's not supposed to be.
It's work, and sometimes the mere thought of having to work like that just wears me out.

Now I want a certain person to ask me out to dinner, or even to dance.
(See what I did there, Owl City fans?)
I've wanted a reason to dress to impress, not that he'd care.
(But I know he'd notice.)

So, I'm single.
I'm not super happy about it.

And my lips are sealed.

Can I commit?

Two years ago, I graduated with Janelle Hoering.
In April, she became Janelle Delagrange.
Next March, she will be Mom.

I don't think that we have ever actually spoken, but we're facebook friends.
And I read her blog sometimes.
Because mrs. delagrange has words.

Janelle is the first person with whom I graduated whose marriage and pregnancy I can respect.
Mostly because it was done in the correct order,
but also because she and her husband believe for the same reasons that I do that there is a correct order for such things.
And because I know that, even though it wasn't necessarily what they had planned, they are trusting God in every step of their journey.

A couple months ago, Janelle started a daily blog.
It was like one of those "Take a picture every day for fifty days" kind of list things.
30 days.

Day 01 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10 years.Day 03 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.Day 04 – Your views on religion.Day 05 – A time you thought about ending your own life.Day 06 – Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.Day 07 – Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.Day 08 – A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.Day 09 – How you hope your future will be like.Day 10 – Discuss your first love.Day 11 – Put your iPod on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that pop up.Day 12 – Bullet your whole day.Day 13 – Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.Day 14 – Your earliest memory.Day 15 – Your favorite Tumblrs.Day 16 – Your views on mainstream music.Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past year.Day 18 – Your beliefs.Day 19 – Disrespecting your parents.Day 20 – How important you think education is.Day 21 – One of your favorite shows.Day 22 – How have you changed in the past 2 years?Day 23 – Something you’d like to learn.Day 24 – Your favorite movie and what it’s about.Day 25 – Someone who fascinates you and why.Day 26 – What kind of person attracts you.Day 27 – A problem that you have had.Day 28 – Something that you miss.Day 29 – Goals for the next 30 days.Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this month.

I'm going to start this tomorrow. And by the time I'm done, I'll be almost ready to go back to school.
Maybe I'll feel like I accomplished something this summer.

P.S. I just started reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan.
I'm really excited about it.

I feel like somebody's mother.

Dear Grabill Missionary Church graduating class of 2011,

Eleven years. That’s how long we attended First Missionary Church. In that time I met a lot of awesome people, but it wasn’t until our last few months that I made real connections. And then we left and I can count on my two hands the number of people from that church with whom I’ve had real conversations in the past three and a half years. And I can count on one hand the number of people in my age group who displayed real spiritual growth in the entire time we were there.

I was halfway through my junior year of high school when we came to Grabill. Y’all were freshmen. You didn’t know what you were going to do with your lives, you didn’t know much about yourselves or about each other. But, for some reason, I became friends with you. I was closer with people from your class than I was with my own class. I ended up with more male friends than female friends in the youth group, and that worked for us.

During that first summer, I was still trying to figure out my place in youth group. I wasn’t very outgoing or talkative; I have always been pretty content with doing my own thing. And not having my driver’s license really limited my options. But I did my best, and we laid some pretty solid foundations for friendship, including the discovery of the softness of my chin.

Over the next school year, I think we all did a lot of growing up. I was totally over being in high school, especially since I knew that I was going to Bethel. But that was the story of almost my entire class.

And then summer came again, and it was wonderful. Between the best CDYC ever and an incredible mission trip, plus extra hanging out, I got to know your class and the class of 2012. The summer of 2009 was one of the best summers I’ve ever had. Serious conversations were had, walls came down, God worked like crazy.

In August, I went off to college and you became juniors. You were as old as I was when we met. That in itself was just plain strange to me. And you guys had to learn how to be leaders, since there were only a few guys in the class of 2010 who were around regularly. It was very cool to hear about the ways that y’all were stepping up in youth group.

Summer rolled around again, and I only spent time with a few of you. But that was a lot of really good time. Laughter, advice, arguments, music, car rides, “just lunch,” Starbucks, surprise visits to the hospital, painting, movies, driving, and the list goes on.

And then, all of a sudden, “my freshmen” were seniors. I was not ready for that. But I think you were, and you have blown me away with how much you have grown in the past three and a half years. Your hearts for God and your love for His children are so cool to see. It has been a year of ups and downs for a few of you, but I have seen how that has made you stronger. God is begging you to draw near to Him. No matter how well you think you can do it on your own, complete surrender is the only hope. There is no place for fear when you are in God’s perfect love, so stop being afraid to let go. You will have to make sacrifices, but they will be rewarded in ways that you never imagined. Seriously.  I know this one.

Three months. That’s how long you have until school starts for most of you. That is not much time, but don’t feel pressure. Enjoy the fact that you made it through some of the craziest years of your life. Enjoy the fact that you don’t really need to remember the things that you just tests over, because you’ll re-learn it all in your college courses. Enjoy the fact that it’s freaking summer and you are high school graduates.

People are going to ask you a ton of questions about how you feel about being done with high school and how you feel about going to school. You will have to tell everyone about six times where you’re going and what you’re studying. They’ll ask you what you plan to do after you graduate. They’ll give advice about sleeping and relationships and how it all won’t really matter unless you (fill-in-the-blank). I sit two years beyond your experience, wishing I had actually listened to some of what they said to me. I spent much of my first two years of school hiding in my dorm room. I haven’t made a lot of solid friendships. I haven’t put much effort into it. Don’t be like me. Don’t be satisfied with the life you have right now.

For those of you who are going away, it’s going to take some effort if you want to maintain your friendships from home. But it’s possible. My best friends are still the ones I’ve had for years. Those of you who are staying in town have just as much potential to make new friends as the rest of us. It’s just going to take more effort. It’s worth it, though.  Your classmates are just like our classmates, they just don’t live down the hall. So hang out with them. Otherwise, you can very easily slip into some crazy loneliness, and that’s no fun for anyone.

And get plugged into Next Level. It’s a great group of people who are so ready to welcome you and encourage you and befriend you. That goes for everyone. I would have been pretty lost last summer if it hadn’t been for that group of people. Come join us on Thursdays at 7 in the Youth Basement. All summer.

And when school starts, remember the things that Pastor Bill said on Graduation Sunday. If you missed it, you can listen by clicking on this whole sentence. (I recommend this.)
Sometimes, grades do matter. If you’re going to grad school or to get a really competitive job, your GPA will have an effect on what happens. Learn how to balance the areas of your life. You won’t be able to do it all, but you can do a lot.

I love you guys. I can’t believe you’re so old. This year will be just like it was when I came to GMC; I’ll be a junior, you’ll be freshmen. But it will be nothing like it was then, because we are different. I’ll see some of you every day, and the rest of you almost none at all. (Please come visit us at Bethel. I’ll make food for you in my kitchen.)

I’m proud of you. I’m so excited for what God has done in your lives in the past three and a half years, and what He has planned for the next three and a half years. Let Him.

Love,

Hope