I was not expecting that.

Tonight in Lifespan Development, Ted showed us a video that honored the life of Eliot Mooney. Eliot's parents found out that he had Trisomy 18.

Nine seconds into this video, I knew that I was not going to make it to the end without crying. And I did not expect that to happen when I walked into class.

If you are a frequent reader of my blog, you know that I have posted more than once about my sister. Rather than explain the story, which will bring me to tears once again, I will just post the links.

Most recently: Sept. 1 (Last year.)
Last March: Marilynn Ham and my sister

For a long time, I've felt very alone in this situation. I have never talked to my brother about it, and I've only known one other person who had a sibling with Trisomy 18. I have done enough research to know that it's not that uncommon, but I haven't known many people who are willing to talk about it. So I've felt stuck in my struggle with grief and confusion.

As the video went on, and the narrator told Eliot how old he was, I began to get jealous. He lived for 99 days. Over 3 months. My parents got five weeks. I sat in class and was angry with these parents, with that child, and with God, for giving them so much more time.

Then, as Eliot's death was announced (and I knew it would be, because I know the disease), and the narrator described the way God had worked and how we are only separated by the rest of our earthly lives, I realized that my jealousy and anger were completely ridiculous.
I had no reason to have those feelings. This family went through exactly what my family went through. And Eliot and Kate and all of the other babies who have died of Trisomy 18 are all together with Jesus. And all their parents can't wait to see them again. And many of them have younger siblings like me, who wish they had known them and who will run to meet them when they are at last united in Eternity. Maybe I'm stepping on some theological toes here, but I want to believe that we'll all have a big gathering at some point, all of us who have been affected by this disease. But I know that if that doesn't happen, it won't matter, because everything will be perfect anyway.

I am not alone in these circumstances. I can no longer live as a lonely victim.

I learned a profound lesson in 6 minutes and 11 seconds.

I was not expecting that when I walked into class tonight.
But I'm very glad that it happened.

another writing night at SG.

I'm sitting at my wobbly table. The chair is secure for once.
I'm watching my drink be made incorrectly. The person making it doesn't know that creme de menthe is what a person means when she says "mint." If she wanted peppermint, that's what she would have asked for.
So I'm getting a peppermint mocha instead of a mint mocha.
And I'm okay with that.

I love sitting at this table. If you're a regular reader, you probably know that.
I've got some things to say, so I'll just jump right in.

First: I have a confession to make.
I have spent the past few months thinking I was in some kind of love.
There's this guy I know. He's awesome. We are so much the same that it's scary. I won't go into detail here, because it would be pretty easy to figure out who I'm talking about, but just know that he's great and I love being friends with him.
The more I thought about him and thought about our similarities, the more I thought that maybe we could end up together. I got so consumed with this idea that I stopped actually thinking about the guy.
Last week, there was an awesome coincidence and I was so sure that it meant that we're supposed to be together. It drove me crazy all weekend, because I was gone and I couldn't talk to him. Let's be real. I couldn't talk to him anyway. How do you even start that conversation? "Um, hey [you]. I think we should date. We're probably going to get married, so let's start here." No. Not going to happen. Instead, I talked to the girls I was sharing a room with. I covered the whole "boy situation" in my life with them. And they told me that I was over-analyzing it. True. In the Olymipics (yep, I meant that) of over-analyzing, I would take the top spot, no competition. But I couldn't help it. In the past few days, though, I've thought more about it. And I've been thinking rationally. I know this guy reasonably well, but we don't hang out as much as it takes to make this kind of decision. I love the person that I have invented and tailored to my picture of a perfect future. I saw what I wanted to see and I pretended that that was okay. It's not. I have been so unfair to this amazing guy for so long. Not cool.
I'm not sure whether I'll talk to him about it. I know that I probably should. I mean, a post about it without a conversation and real, personal confession? That's pretty lame. But I'm good at that.

Second: I'm figuring out that part of why I have the tendency to fall in love with ideas is that I don't enjoy accepting certain part of reality. I want so badly to be 25 and madly in love. I want to have a job that I love. I want to be more pretty and more talented and more friendly and more funny and more outgoing and more and more and more. I want to be the girl that always gets the "look back." Not because he wants to check me out, but because he doesn't really want to walk away. I want the romantic comedy love story, but without all the gratuitous sex that is too often mistaken for love and having something in common, and without the tragic break up over something that is actually significant, followed by more sex that obviously means true love. But I guess that's what romantic comedy love stories are all about. I think I just want the speed and ease of it all. I don't want the cliche romantic gestures just because the guy thinks I want them. I want them because he knows who I am and does things because he knows I will love and appreciate them. I want a guy who won't get offended when I'm honest with him, which means that he will also be a guy with whom I can be honest. I'm not going to pretend to be more girly or more spiritual or more anything just because I think that's what a guy wants. I don't care what the average guy wants, because I don't want the average guy. I want the guy whom I can love unselfishly. I want to be loved unselfishly. And I don't think that that's too much to ask, because I know that I serve a powerful God who can do anything. And I'm pretty sure that He wants mutual, unselfish love in all of our relationships. That's the model He gives us. But for some reason, the things that I want and my thought patterns don't line up. Human condition. Something that I don't actually have to be stuck with. Something that God is reminding me to let go of. He has plans for my future, and they are good plans. But they are for the future. The time that I'm living in right now is the future He had for me years ago, and I need to live fully in the present. The more I look ahead, the more I will miss today.

Third: I want to do music with my life. It's what I believe I was created to do. I am not a music major. I will not become a music major. I will take at least 12 credit hours of music prefix classes, but I don't need a degree in music. I love my Liberal Studies major. I am getting a great education and I will graduate with options, if I should decide to pursue a career in anything else. But music is all I can see myself doing. I've said before that JJ Heller has my dream job. Sarah and Andrew Lawrence reminded me that I should not require a guy to play guitar before I meet him. Fine. I'm not promised the life that JJ and Dave have. But I do think that any career I have in music will be some kind of partnership with my husband.

Well, I could keep talking about this for a long time. But Friday Night Fire starts in 25 minutes and I want to get to Shiloh a little early.
Thanks for reading. I'm totally no offended if you laughed at my immature behavior. I have a lot of learning to do.

writing songs.

I have finished and performed two original songs over the past two years.
One of the requirements for Battle of the Bands that we're having in February is an original song.
I decided that I wanted to write a new one.
This decision came after an awesome weekend at conVERGE 2011, a student leadership conference for juniors and seniors in high school. (I was running a table for TOMS Shoes.)
I learned so much about God's unconditional love and His incomprehensible power and His unbreakable promises.
And that's what I wanted to write about.


But I kept getting distracted by the image of a certain someone's (and I refuse to publicly confess who) amazing eyes. They're a bright, piercing blue. I always get the sense that he can totally see into who I am. I've been around him a lot lately and it's driving me crazy. And he's a good looking guy even when you ignore the eyes (like that's possible) and he's funny and generally awesome, and I can't talk to him like the intelligent, articulate, normal person that I am. I am not accustomed to acting like a fool. I usually bring my A Game to this type of situation, even when I don't mean to. Don't get me wrong, I'm not falling all over myself. I'm just more quiet than usual when it comes down to times with potential for having real conversations.
So I'm sitting at the piano in a practice room, trying to get his face out of my head. This was a difficult few minutes. I even started a song about him. I know that when it gets to that point, and he has no idea, I have reached a very low point.


With great effort and discipline, I pushed those eyes out of my head. The unrequited admiration was a waste of time. There is a love that, too often, is ignored. It is an unconditional love. I can't do anything to earn it or to lose it. I cannot be so good that it increases, nor can I be so depraved that it diminishes. This love comes from the One who knows all my faults and fears and mistakes. He is the One who gave me my talents and asks that I offer them back to Him. When I realize the majesty of this love love, this faultless, pure, holy, limitless, powerful, merciful, graceful, joyous love, the only thing I can do is to respond with my life. I have been promised so much by my Great Father. He takes hold of my right hand (Is. 41: 13); He will give me peace in my surrender (Phil. 4:6-7); He has disgraced my enemies; He lavishes His unfailing love. That's amazing.


So I started writing about this. Two of JJ Heller's songs ("What Love Really Means," and "True Things") have been awesome reminders to me lately, and they got the lyrics flowing, but the Spirit had something to say to me and through me, so I can't really take much credit or give it to JJ.


The song isn't finished, but I'm super excited about where it's going. This is part of a verse and the chorus that I have so far.


"You look at me
and You know my faults,
and You know my fears,
and yet You love me.

And it's not because of anything I did
Or any prayer I prayed,

It's just because

You made me who I am
I am a child of God
And nothing else matters.

It means I'm not what I'm doing now,
Or where I'll go tonight.
I'm finding out who I am."


I love how much I am loved. I love that I am loved with a perfect, unconditional love. I love that I can't do anything to change that love. I love the One who loves me.

observations from a week back at school.

Today marks one full week of being back in classes.
It's weird. I am going to be working hard this semester.
But I'll write about that at another time. This is a list post.

1. Chad Meister speaks like an exaggerated version of Fred Armisen's version of Pres. Obama. I mean that in the best way possible.
2. Taking Philosophy, Sociology, Old Testament, and Psychology at the same time is stretching my brain. In a good and overwhelming way.
3. I miss William Cook. Walking into the Great Room knowing that he won't be there to give me a hug is weird and sad and lonely. And he knows it. (But he's going to totally beast this semester in L.A.)
4. A few hours of awesome fun and good conversation with someone doesn't make that person as much of a friend as you would think.
5. JJ Heller has my dream job. Like you wouldn't believe. That is what I want to do. Making music for Jesus is what I was made to do. Partnering with my husband in doing that lines up exactly with my view of marriage.
6. God is gracious. He held the snow off for (most of) us to get back to school, and then He dropped a couple feet on us so we have to stay here together.
7. The feeling of 3:00am hasn't changed.
8. Just because you didn't really talk to some of your friends last semester doesn't mean they won't leave a whole in your life when they're on the other side of the world. (This is especially for Sarah, Matt, and Calvin.)
9. Sometimes the students on tours will actually ask questions.
10. P90X is working muscles I didn't know I had. My hips have been hurting for two days. I can't do much of anything without pain.
11. Even when you have a pretty clear view of your future, you can't always talk about it. Even though it's all you want to do.
12. Couples are weird. Non-couples are even weirder. Just admit that you're dating already. You're holding hands. You're a couple. Or you're making a huge mistake.
13. Sometimes ignoring someone's presence is the kindest thing you can do. Especially when you spent most of a year in internal conflict over that person.
14. The laundry room is a great place to be in the middle of the night.
15. Being washed whiter than snow is an amazing image. Snow is really, really white.
16. I didn't have a song until You came along.
17. My laundry is finished, I have class in 6 hours, and I will be at Huntington University all weekend. I need to fold my clothes, finish packing, and go to bed.

break.

This is going to be a weird list. I can't really think of how else to write this one.

1. Got home at 4:00 on Friday.
2. I've slept as much as I didn't sleep during finals week.
3. Last night was the first of Christmas gatherings. It was with my very best friends that will be a part of my life for as long as I can see into my future. I received some delicious Starbucks Caramel coffee and a mini French Press. We laughed our heads off and remembered all the way back to thirteen years ago. It was a beautiful night.
4. I am in the middle of the complete series of "Greek."
5. I'm watching the third series of "Gilmore Girls" thanks to Abigail.
6. I still need to buy all but four of my books for next semester.
7. I have to make finish the logistics for the May Term trip to England.
8. I get to see my mom's family on Christmas Day.
9. I get to see my dad's family a couple days later.
10. MY BROTHER AND SISTER-IN-LAW ARE COMING TO FORT WAYNE AT THE SAME TIME!!
11. The Second Annual New Year's Eve Progressive Dinner is happening, and I will not cut my leg while shaving this year.
12. I will come to the end of the year and I don't think I can cross anything off the list I made on January 2.
13. I'm okay with that.
14. I have been trying to read 1984 for a month. Of course, it's been the month leading up to finals, so I'm not feeling too bad about it.
15. I ended up with a B+ in Math and a B+ in Linguistics, an A in Speech, an A in Choir, and an A in Photography (even though the professor simply did not understand my final project). And I passed Lifelong Physical Awareness and Bowling.
16. I am going to set goals for the Spring semester, and I'm going to accomplish them.
17. I want to be like Lorelai Gilmore when I grow up, except for the failing love life, the bitterness toward my parents, and the teenage pregancy.
18. Lorelai Gilmore is eating takeout Chinese food, and it is making me very hungry.
19. I have stayed up too late for too many nights in a row.
20. I'm waking up at 10:30am.
21. Good night, dear readers.

Christmas List

Yeah, I'm going there.

1. external hard drive.
2. Adobe Photoshop Elements 9
3. iTunes gift cards
4. Amazon gift cards (for school books)
5. animals for families in third world and developing countries
6. a trip to Canada for Spring Break (itinerary, people to go with, transportation)
7. printer paper
8. Jelly Bellies
9. root beer and cream soda in glass bottles.
10. the full run of "Lost" on DVD
11. a minivan
12. padded case for a 15"-16" laptop


ummm...yeah.

winter has returned.

It has been snowing almost non-stop for two days. Sometimes it's almost completely white outside, other times is just a glittery mist, but it just keeps accumulating. And my heart is intermittently happy and disappointed and troubled.

I love snow. I think I always have.
When we lived in Goshen, playing in the snow was one of few activities my brother and I could do together without fighting. He could be the big brother and help me. He was able to build up small hills so we could sled in our front yard. I wanted to be just like him.

Now I appreciate the beauty of snow. In my mind, it's one of God's reminders that life goes on. This year will soon be over, another will begin, spring will come again. The death and darkness must seem victorious for a while, but that will make the new growth and rebirth all the more beautiful. After the seemingly unending winter in Northern Indiana last year, something I had forgotten about in all my years in Fort Wayne, the first glimpse of blue sky, the buds on the trees, the green grass, the return of the birds: they brought smiles to my face like they never did at home. Snow is awesome all on its own, though. It sparkles. It gives countless opportunities for fun and for pranks. It stays on my nose and eyelashes. It's millions of tiny little works of art.

I also find snow very romantic. It makes me lonely. I have spent one Christmas Day in a relationship. It was seventh grade. I wasn't the best girlfriend. I never have been, which is why I'm hesitant to actually get close to guys. He gave me a necklace and some candles for Christmas. We had only been "dating" for a couple weeks, so I wasn't expecting anything. I didn't give him anything. Not for Christmas or for Valentine's Day. He gave me a box of candy for Valentine's Day. He was probably the sweetest, funniest, kindest guy I've ever called my boyfriend. Now he's openly gay. I haven't talked to him in several years, but I think he's doing well.
The last time I was "dating" someone around Christmas, I got bored. I got sick of the guy. I was a jerk. I feel terribly about it. I think both of our lives would be very different if we had stayed together. But we didn't.
Now that it's cold outside and I hear all of the songs about being "snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be," I remember how I walk the snowy sidewalks on my own. No physical arm has ever been there to call my own and hold onto so I wouldn't fall on the ice. I don't want to hear all of the "you don't need a man, girl.," "Who needs men? They're all jerks anyway." or, "God will bring you a guy when it's the right time." (Seriously. If you write a comment like that, I will delete it. It will make me angry. I will dislike you for a while.) I have thought and prayed through all of this. Being single just doesn't seem to be the right thing for me now. Not because I don't like it, but because it just feels weird. It's a weird feeling I've had before. Unsettled, searching for more (not in the wrong places. I have searched and found in the Right Place and I'm not looking to replace that in any way.). I am experiencing a new kind of loneliness that I don't feel is wrong in any way. I just wish I knew some things for sure.

That's where I'm going to stop for tonight.